Say hello to my lipid friends…
Thursday, January 31st, 2008Shocking news today. As reported by mediatakeout.com (a.k.a. “The Most Visited Black Website in the World” (a.k.a. my “homepage”)), actress/comedienne Mo’Nique has been accused by her ex-husband of taking, and even selling, cocaine. This was his quote:
Not only was [Mo'Nique] an avid marijuana user, but she also did cocaine. And what’s worse, she began making money dealing coke … [After we separated] Mo’Nique threatened my life! She said if I ever told anyone about her lifestyle, she’d hire someone to kill me.
This is how I think it went down:
Mo’Nique: “If you ever, and I mean EVER, tell anyone that I’m a fat disgusting slob with an overabundance of fraudulent self-confidence, I’ll hire someone to kill you.”
Mo’Nique’s ex-husband: “Yikes. I just asked you what you wanted on your pizza.”
Mo’Nique: “Oh, my bad! Could you ask them to put ten other pizzas on my pizza? Thanks.”
That’s actually a excerpt from the new Mo’Nique biopic I just wrote and directed. Here’s the poster:
It’s kind of homage to DiPalma’s classic, except re-done using the real-life story of Mo’Nique, who plays herself in the film. This is the basic plot: We see a young Mo’Nique (short for “More Unique”…just kidding, it means nothing) making her way through the biz, using her wit and heft to eventually take control of the UPN. Then one day, she buys a bunch of cocaine thinking it’s just very expensive powdered sugar. But, after her donuts do nothing but numb the inside of her mouth, Monique quickly realizes her mistake. She mixes the remaining cocaine with poison and sells it all back to a bunch of skinny bitches, who are all soon killed by the concoction (justly, in Monique’s opinion). She then takes the drug money and buys a ton (2000 lbs.) of regular, inexpensive powdered sugar and lives happily ever after. She also farts a lot. (The first draft was actually called ‘Fartface,’ but we went with ‘Scarf-face’ because Tyler Perry thought it made more sense because she scarfs so much food into her fat face.)
I think it’s going to be an awesome movie. Here’s a sneak preview:
All 2008 be doin’ is trimmin’!
Thursday, January 3rd, 2008Happy br’08, everyone. Hope you all had a pleasant and familial holiday season, full of joy and life lessons. Myself, I learned that baby-back ribs do NOT work as a New Year’s hangover remedy. (You just compound your headache with so much diarrhea.)
We’re three days into ‘08 already, and I’m happy to say that I’m staying good on my New Years resolutions, which were:
1. Never leave my apartment, no matter what.
2. Get so fat and also sad.
3. Get real-life gang members to leave comments on my blog.
4. Consider becoming a Hispanic person.
So far so good. A result of resolutions #1 and #2, I’m back to my old habit of watching a lot of Maury. And, as a result of watching a lot of Maury, I was introduced to–and soon fell in love with–an enormous black woman named Yolanda. I don’t want to give anything away, but just know that Yolanda is the new Monique.
It’s one thing to go on Maury. It’s an entirely different thing to go on Maury and test out your stand-up routine. (The best part is when Tahrey goes, “That was funny. That was funny. I’ll give you that.”)
Also, this commercial is on all the time and it’s great and I think I’m Hispanic now?
So 9-11 right now
Tuesday, September 11th, 2007
U got P.L.I.P.P.S.
Monday, July 30th, 2007Today I am introducing a new segment to my blog called “U got P.L.I.P.P.S.”
P.L.I.P.P.S., for those of you who don’t already know, is a disease I made up. It’s a lot like A.I.D.S. and cancer, only worse. You can only get P.L.I.P.P.S. if you are a huge, obnoxious douche-bag who is famous for no reason and I hate you.
(Also, I have no idea what it’s an acronym for.)
I am currently the only person in the world qualified to diagnose PLIPPS. But, being the good Samaritan I am, I will occasionally use my blog as a platform to identify those inflicted with PLIPPS as a matter of public safety.
Hopefully, over time, others will be able to diagnose PLIPPS for themselves. And in turn, more people will be diagnosed with, and hopefully die of, PLIPPS.
So here goes…
The first person to be publicly outed with PLIPPS is none other than TV’s Brody Jenner.
I was watching MTV Cribs this weekend, and this motherfucker was on giving a tour of his scenic $24,000,000 Malibu house.
Only, it wasn’t really his house…it was his parent’s house. Only, it wasn’t really his parent’s house, it was his stepdad’s house. Only, it wasn’t really his stepdad’s house, it was his mom’s house, which she got via a divorce settlement from his stepdad.
Did you follow that? This dude was on national TV, without any shame, parading around an amazing house that he gets to live in solely because his mom is an evil, money-grubbing cunt.
If you don’t think that alone deserves a slow, painful death from PLIPPS, just look at Brody Jenner’s wikipedia page and tell me you don’t want him dead.
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Brody Jenner (born August 21, 1983), a reality television celebrity and model, is the younger son of Olympic decathlon champion Bruce Jenner and actress Linda Thompson.
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He is a stepson of songwriter David Foster and a stepbrother of Kim Kardashian.
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Jenner dated actress Kristin Cavallari of Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County for about one year.
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Weeks after his break up with Cavallari, in August 2006, he began seeing longtime friend, Nicole Richie.
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Multiple internet gossip columns, and Richie herself through her MySpace blog, have suggested that the relationship between Jenner and Richie was staged for publicity purposes.
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Most recently, Jenner has been romantically linked to Haylie Duff.
I just barfed on my keyboard. No joke. By the way, I just decided that all the people on his wikipedia have PLIPPS too, even the person who spent the time writing it.
Buggin’
Wednesday, June 6th, 2007Michael Jordan is not handling his divorce well.
Remember how happy he was when he was married?
Now look at him:
No wonder Matthew Perry left him. He was already so competitive and agressive. Now it looks like he’s drunk and abusive to boot. (Although, Kevin Bacon was probably asking for it. No one likes a grape tosser.)
The next Hanes commercial has MJ smashing and snorting oxycontins with Crispin Glover.
It’s a shame. He once was the G.O.A.T.
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