The economy has really been bumming me out lately. You see, I really like dogs. Especially when dogs are puppies. I’ve been meaning to buy a new puppy, but with the stock market behaving so erratically, I haven’t been able to afford one. At least not a whole one.

I just wish there was some sort of discount pet store near my apartment in Queens. You know? Some super shady place on Steinway Avenue where I could get a puppy–a living, breathing puppy–for $0 down and only $20 a month.

Oh wait…

Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

Anyway, I got two puppies for free and named them the Lehman Brothers. It’s going to suck when they get repossessed.

You got to love Animal Planet’s sassy new dog show commentator. (I can’t stop watching this video.)

Oh yeah? Well I think it’s funna be da English Foxhound, mark-ass trick.

Also…come to this tonight, won’t you?

Thanks!

This weekend I was watching Animal Planet and happened to catch their coverage of the 2008 World’s Ugliest Dog Competition, which I believe was hosted by MADtv’s Debra Wilson (aka T-Pain without the top hat and goatee.) If you’ve never seen or heard of the World’s Ugliest Dog Competition before, it’s a beauty pageant for dogs, except all the dogs are super ugly and almost always severely handicapped. Retarded, a lot of them are retarded. It’s basically like the Special Olympics for dogs, only it’s entirely superficial and kind of mean-spirited. Anyway, the winner was a dog named Archie, but I found myself rooting for Elwood and Munchkin.

What made this year’s competition extra exciting was it’s unpredictability. The perennial champion, a very ugly dog named “Sam,” had just died, so it was anyone’s game. And, of course, Animal Planet made a heartwarming memorial video about the recently deceased Sam:

That video isn’t weird or racist at all. In fact, I’d go so far as to say Tiger Woods is the Sam the ugly dog of golf.

Exhibit A:

(NOT PHOTOSHOPPED)

Okay, so then immediately after the World’s Ugliest Dog Competition was the Animal Planet reality show called “Groomer Has It,” which is a reality show about people who apparently want to be dog groomers. The front-runner is a gay stereotype named “Artist.” Please watch this clip of Artist:

Tiger Woods is the champion of self-grooming gay blind dogs.

Sorry, everyone. I’ve been too busy to write on my website last few days. I’ve been redoing my will. Originally, I thought I wanted a traditional Irish wake (like I’d seen on The Wire), followed by a New Orleans jazz funeral procession, followed by a viking funeral…then have my ashes recovered, mixed with clay, and have an artist make a life-size replica of my body…and have that buried in a traditional Jewish cemetery.

But then I found www.perpetualpet.net. Now I know I want my dead body to be “carefully prepared and posed” then “placed into a sealed vacuum chamber at extremely low temperature,” so “all the moisture is removed, leaving the tissues otherwise unaltered” and “subject to the same care and treatment as other valued possessions.”

Look at the satisfied customers of the freeze-drying process:

ROCKE!

That dog is totally DEAD! Can you believe it?

ZAK!

That dog? SO not alive. He looks like he is, but he’s not!

PEACHES!

Come here, boy! Come on, Peaches! Come over here, you silly little baby! Oh, that’s right! You can’t! Because you’re dead!

CISCO!

R.I.P. Cisco: Forever chill.

This is how I want to be frozen for all eternity:

Ugh, look at me. I’m such a douchebag.

ALSO…YOU GUYS…COME TO TOTALLY JK TONIGHT, OKAY?

Sorry to go back to the Rock The Cradle thing again (the story just won’t die!), but I still don’t understand why my favorite singer in the world, Ben Taylor, son of James Taylor and Carly Simon, didn’t sign up to be a contestant. He’s madd chill. And he totally owns a MacBookPro.

As well as a trampoline (boing!)

Plus, he’s got an Ab Gazebo that his dad built for him. (Best 30th birthday present ever!!! )

Ben Taylor has written some great songs done so many crunches in that gazebo.

This song is on his myspace. It’s Ben Taylor’s version of Snoop Dogg’s “Sensual Seduction,” screwed & chopped & folk-tified.

I like the little laugh at the very end. You can almost see him rolling his eyes like, “Silly black people…” He should go on tour with these guys.

Anyway, I’m sure his parents are really proud of him. Totally met all expectations. I suppose that’s why he didn’t feel the need to go on MTV. He doesn’t have anything to prove to anyone, least of all his girlfriend (who some say is the prettiest girl in the universe).

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I’ve been too busy writing ransom notes:

(thanks Matt)

Alright. Alright. I admit it. I’m back on the Huckabee bandwagon.

Last week I said I was voting for Tom Tancredo (who I still think is the most qualified and best looking of all the candidates), but right now it doesn’t look like his campaign has much of a chance, which is a shame because he seems to be the only person running who knows the danger of Mexican Jihadists who like to go on shopping mall rampages.

Huckabee, meanwhile, is surging and looking more and more presidential everyday. And by “presidential” I mean “like a deflated tire.” (If Huckabee wins, it’ll be just like my screenplay President Thinner, which was an unauthorized sequel to Steven King’s Thinner combined with a retelling of the 1995 classic The American President.) I’ll listen to any candidate who has overcome morbid obesity. I’ll consider anyone in favor of AIDS colonies. And I’ll fucking endorse any man with a fat ugly son who likes to lynch stray dogs in the woods at Boy Scout camp.

This is a picture of Fat Mike Huckabee next to Skinny Mike Huckabee:

And here’s one of Skinny Mike Huckabee next to a sea turtle:

I really love the new campaign ad from Huckabee. Some people say he’s trying to subliminally use Christian religious symbolism, but I don’t see it.

I have no idea what you’re talking about. There’s nothing creepily religious about that at all.

Here’s Mike Huckabee on MSNBC addressing the “floating cross” controversy:

Mike Huckabee:

“It is a bookshelf people. A. Book. Shelf…Actually, what you didn’t catch was with my eyes I was signaling…a very secret code to all the Evangelicals out there.”

Actually, Governor Thiiiiinnennneeeeeerrrrrrrr, I did catch that.

If there’s one thing I hate, it’s racism.

However, if there’s one thing I love, it’s meta-racism.

If you haven’t heard it yet, this is the phone call that’s gotten Dog the Bounty Hunter kicked of his hit television show, Dog the Bounty Hunter. To be honest, the phone call is more psychic than it is racist. And it’s sooo racist.

(Warning: the audio is NSFW. Unless you work at the Ku Klux Klan.)

Priceless. Also, EEK².

That shit is like a Mr. Show sketch. (Peace be upon it.) It’s the “Pre-Taped Call In Show” of racist celebrity meltdowns.

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Did you read/hear/barf about the French woman who received the world’s first partial face transplant? Seriously. A face transplant.

Basically, what happened was this French woman was sleeping when, all of the sudden, she woke up and discovered her dog had eaten most of her face/off. Doctors quickly replaced her face with Nicolas Cage’s face. She was then sent to giant magnetic prison in the middle of the ocean.

This is what The Guardian says happened:

After a bad week, the seamstress had taken a large dose of sleeping pills “to forget”.

Wait, stop right there. To forget? This is already an amazing story.

Reporter: So, how’d you lose your face?
No-face Lady: Well, it all started when I took a large dose of sleeping pills.
Reporter: And what was your reason for taking such a large dose of sleeping pills? 
No-face Lady: Oh, you know. “To forget.”

I could seriously walk away from this story right here and be totally satisfied. But, no. The story only gets better (not better).

She woke on her sofa and tried to light a cigarette, and then noticed blood and the presence of her dog beside her. Looking in the mirror, she discovered her terrible injuries. 

AAAAAAAAHHHH! She didn’t know she didn’t have a face until she tried to light a cigarette? What clued her in exactly? The not having lips part? Jesus. I bet she hates that dog.

She said she had “no hatred” for her labrador-cross Tanya, who she felt had been trying to save her.

Correct. I just looked up the word “save” in a dog dictionary:

save: /seɪv/
–verb (used with object)

1.to rescue from danger or possible harm, injury, or loss
2. to keep safe, intact, or unhurt
3. to rip off and eat a human’s face
4. to avoid the spending, consumption, or waste of bones

Anyway, she got a donor face and the rest is medical history:

BTW, the donor face came from a woman who killed herself. So…therefore…I can’t handle reading science news anymore.

All things considered, you have to admit she looks great (”great” means “permanently photoshopped,” right?). Although, I think it was pretty rude of the surgeons to graft a voice bubble like that, dontchya think? (JK, you guys! I did that part myself! [COMEDY!])

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I’m not the first person to say this, but Michael Vick is an asshole.