Scientists have discovered a magical new powder with amazing regenerative properties.

Good news: It totally works!

Bad news:

Late last night, I was alone in my living room gathering star bits, when I received this email regarding something I wrote about Michael Douglas’ fucked up son last October.

Dear Joe:
I think what you posted about Michael Douglas’s son is really awful and that it would be cool of you to take down those comments on the mug shot at least. I love comedy, but that is really practically heartless. We don’t really know whose drugs those were and it’s not fair to judge someone so harshly. If they really are his drugs and he is on drugs, then he is probably at rock bottom and comments like yours could be what push him over the edge. He had an uncle who died of a drug overdose and this things is really a family tragedy and no laughing matter. It is so easy to make fun of people when they’re down, and not any sort of sign of comedic skill.

Will you please take it down? It would say a lot about you…
[Redacted]

Dear [Redacted],

Thank you for the email. I’m sad to say I cannot take that post down for you. Mostly because I don’t know how to do that. I’m sorry. But, please know that I do respect and understand your concerns. We live in a society where Hollywood fuckups are innocent until proven guilty. One shouldn’t rush to judgment, especially if one writes such an important and influential “blog” as joemande.com. (barf)

Therefore, what I decided to do for you is go back and fix the mugshot in question. I sincerely hope this helps Cameron Douglas not kill himself.

You’re welcome. Best of luck.

For the past few months, I’ve been getting free issues of Complex Magazine in the mail. I have no idea why or how they started showing up, but I know for a fact I’m not paying for them. So weird. The first time it came, I actually tried reading it while I was on the toilet. But I had to stop because it made me so stupid I forgot how to poop. Since then, I’ve promptly thrown the magazine in the garbage as soon as I took it out of my mailbox. The end.

…or is it?

When I got the December/January issue yesterday, something about the cover story intrigued me…

Hmmm…let’s see…is Lil’ Wayne crazy? I don’t know. But, considering your pull quote is “I’m a Martian, and if you understand me then you’re Jesus Christ,” I’m going to go ahead and say YES. Yes, Lil Wayne is crazy.

Want more proof? Read the following quotes from Lil’ Wayne’s retarded extensive interview with Complex Magazine (note: they’re unbelievable):

(more…)

Michael Douglas’ son, Cameron Douglas, is facing charges for felony drug possession.

Eek. See what drugs do to you, kids? They make you look like a younger, sadder, more-Frankensteiny version of your movie star father.

If you ask me, none of this would have happened if Michael Douglas were around more for his son as young boy, to kind-of-but-not-really make pancakes for him and whatnot.

The official trailer for Yeti: A Love Story came out today.

So. Fucking. Embarrassing.

I seriously want to kill myself after watching that. But, if I did, my participation in that movie would be the last thing I ever got onto IMDB. And, therefore, I must carry on.

Here’s the description that went along with it:

It’s “King Kong” meets “Brokeback Mountain” in “Yeti: A Love Story”, a gay themed horror-comedy about a homicidal and wildly homosexual mountain yeti!

Me: “Seriously, Dad, just because I’m in a movie about a gay bigfoot who rapes boys in the woods, that doesn’t make me gay.”
My Dad: “…”
Me: “I don’t even get raped in the movie. I get shot in stomach as I run through the woods in my underwear.”  
My Dad: “…”
Me: “To get away from the gay bigfoot!”

My sincerest congratulations to Adam and E-Rock for getting national distribution on Yeti. I just wish you guys would please go back and pixelate my face out.

I’m not normally a gossip, but I have some very juicy inside-info about a new HOLLYWOOD POWER COUPLE!

My sources* tell me that skanktress Lindsey Lohan is bedding the best rapper alive, Lil’ Wayne!

Move over, TomKat and Brangelina! It’s Lindl’ Wayhan! It’s a match made in heaven prison.

My sources* tell me that this relationship is the real deal, people. They are totes goo-goo-ga-ga for each other. And when they’re apart, they go so far as to coordinate their felony arrests! How romantic is that? Like, last night Lindsay got busted for drunk driving and cocaine possession in Santa Monica while Lil’ Wayne getting charged for gun possession in New York City. TOO CUTE!

A Santa Monica Police representative said that ”Lindsay looks really happy,” and “Cocaine was found in her pants pocket.” 

Meanwhile, an NYPD officer told me privately that, ”Lil’ Wayne wants to marry that girl,” and “Another person, so far uncharged, stuffed 7 pounds of marijuana down the tour bus’ toilet as officers approached.”

Are those wedding bells I hear? No, wait, sorry. Those are sirens.

(Thanks to Greg Johnson for the Drudge sirens.)

Besides substance abuse problems, they both have daddy issues too!

For real, though, please let me know if/when ”FREE WEEZY” t-shirts become available on-line, because I’m going to want to order at least ten of them.

*= wishful imagination

Did you hear about that Chris Benoit guy who strangled his whole family and killed himself last week? Yikes! Who saw that coming?

Weird, he looks super stable.

This quote was in Time Magazine:

He then added, “I mean, Chris was normal guy…who took steroids and strangled people for money. That’s the Chris I know. But, going berserk and choking those close to him? I just don’t see it.”

Cheese heroin? Are you kidding me? I’m so glad that didn’t exist when I was a teen.

Drug Dealer: Hey kid, wanna buy some heroin for two dollars?
Teenage Me: Not really.
Drug Dealer: What if I told you it was cheese heroin?
Teenage Me: Ha! What is that? Like, cheese that gets you high?
Drug Dealer: Cheese that gets you super high.
Teenage Me: I’ll take ten, please. Thank you.

You know how kids get when they see balloons of cheese heroin.

Authorities hope to stop the fad before it spreads across the nation.

…Like delicious Philadelphia cream cheese.

…On a meth bagel.

That dude is great. His favorite band is The String Cheese Heroin.

(I could do this all day.)

“Cheese heroin” is a blend of so-called black tar Mexican heroin and crushed over-the-counter medications that contain the antihistamine diphenhydramine, found in products such as Tylenol PM.

First of all, who’s on black tar heroin and thinks to himself, “I could really go for some extra-groggy heroin right about now.”

Secondly, why wouldn’t you just call it Heroin PM?

Drug treatment centers in Dallas say teen “cheese” addicts are now as common as those seeking help for a marijuana addiction.

Drug Counselor: Can I help you?
Teenage Me: Hi. So, I have a problem with cheese and marijuana.
Drug Counselor: How long have you snorting on the cheese?
Teenage Me: No, that’s not it. My problem is…right after I smoke pot, I will literally eat anything coated in cheese dust. Chips, pretzels, candy bars. It’s disgusting. And then I get orange stains all over my clothes.
Drug Counselor: Uh huh…
Teenage Me: And I just wanted to know if you thought Oxy-Clean would work. Or do you recommend Shout wipes?
Drug Counselor: I don’t really know if I’m comfortable answering that question.
Teenage Me: Uhm, hello? I’m seeking your drug counsel over here.
Drug Counselor: That’s not really how it works.