I’m not normally a gossip, but I have some very juicy inside-info about a new HOLLYWOOD POWER COUPLE!

My sources* tell me that skanktress Lindsey Lohan is bedding the best rapper alive, Lil’ Wayne!

Move over, TomKat and Brangelina! It’s Lindl’ Wayhan! It’s a match made in heaven prison.

My sources* tell me that this relationship is the real deal, people. They are totes goo-goo-ga-ga for each other. And when they’re apart, they go so far as to coordinate their felony arrests! How romantic is that? Like, last night Lindsay got busted for drunk driving and cocaine possession in Santa Monica while Lil’ Wayne getting charged for gun possession in New York City. TOO CUTE!

A Santa Monica Police representative said that ”Lindsay looks really happy,” and “Cocaine was found in her pants pocket.” 

Meanwhile, an NYPD officer told me privately that, ”Lil’ Wayne wants to marry that girl,” and “Another person, so far uncharged, stuffed 7 pounds of marijuana down the tour bus’ toilet as officers approached.”

Are those wedding bells I hear? No, wait, sorry. Those are sirens.

(Thanks to Greg Johnson for the Drudge sirens.)

Besides substance abuse problems, they both have daddy issues too!

For real, though, please let me know if/when ”FREE WEEZY” t-shirts become available on-line, because I’m going to want to order at least ten of them.

*= wishful imagination

The National Center for Health Statistics is reporting that American teens are having way less sex than ever before! And the ones who are having sex are doing it safely!

From CNN.com:

Experts couldn’t explain why teen blindness was on the rise. (Seriously, what is that picture? “Aaaah, I got a boner again. Let’s go look at the sun.”)

Hey, CNN and the National Center of Health Statistics, listen up: Teen sex surveys are the least trustworthy things in the universe. Every time I filled one out in high school, I ended up saying I was a pregnant 14 year-old Inuit/Filipino lesbian who had been with over 20 sexual partners (male and female), had six abortions, only used condoms for chewing gum like in the movie Coneheads, and contracted HIV by having anal sex with heroin needles.  

Because why tell the government you’re actually a 16 year-old Jewish virgin who sometimes drank from your Dad’s vodka in the downstairs freezer before staying up all night with all your other virgin friends playing Sega Dreamcast and making mean-spirited dioramas? That would be super lame.

Invite Them Up
hosted by Eugene Mirman and Bobby Tisdale
Rififi: 332 E. 11th St., $5
Doors open at 8:40pm

Performing:
Brett Gelman
Rich Brooks
Joe Mande
Hannibal Buress
Reggie Watts
Leo Allen
and
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Former Creed front man and Christian rock bad boy, Scott Stapp, was arrested yesterday on domestic assault charges at his home in Boca Raton, Florida.

Yikes! Look at those mean eyes. And the way his muscle T prominently shows off his tribal crucifix tattoo? Oh man, Stapp is a beast! I wouldn’t even think about messing with a dude like that. Domestic assault? Forget it. I bet he decimated his wife. I bet he caved her face in. I bet–

“No one was injured and no one was taken to the hospital,” a Sheriff’s Office spokesman.

Can you say “instant street cred”?

Here’s Scott Stapp meeting his cellmate:

“Hey, you’re that guy from Creed, aren’t you?”
“Yeah. Big frickin’ whoop.”
“What are you doing in prison, man?”
“A frickin’ domestic assault charge.”
“Oh, so you beat your wife?”
“Nope. Didn’t even come close.”

That’s his wife. You can tell she doesn’t regret a single decision she’s made in the last two years.

Stapp fact: Scott Stapp was arrested for public intoxication at the airport on the way to his honeymoon. Months later, that poor woman had his baby.

Imagine if this was your husband: 

I bet she called the cops yesterday because she just realized she had a baby with Scott Stapp. Not only is that a form of domestic assault in itself, it’s also at least two counts of manslaughter, because her life is over and so is their daughter’s.

Stapp Fact: Scott Stapp was featured on the Passion of the Christ soundtrack. He was also beaten up in a hotel lobby by the band 311.

Seriously, how do you get arrested in Boca Raton, Florida for almost-but-not-quite beating your wife? That’s so embarrassing.

You know who else lives in Boca Raton, Florida? My grandma, Mimi.

This is Mimi, next to her doppelganger, Carol Channing:

Granted, she is a bit frail, and usually has a ton of turquoise jewelry weighing her down, but I know for a fact that Mimi would land at least one solid punch before getting arrested for domestic assault. (Charges were eventually dropped.)

In conclusion, my Mimi could kick the shit out of Scott Stapp.

And…my sister looks like Raven Symone.

I got a full-blown case of it.

 
(artist rendering)

I don’t know what triggered my fear of Danny DeVito. Maybe it was a bad drug experience in college while Get Shorty played on TBS in the background. Or the fact that he’s a troll. Who knows? All I can say is, if you brought me on Maury and tried to have me meet DDV face to face, I’d act exactly like this woman:

So scary.

(Uhm…why does that picture exist?)

Danny DeVito is a fat little gremlin. And I think it’s insane that no one else thinks it’s weird that he’s a movie star. It’s precisely that inexplicable popularity that frightens me so much. He’s a human Pug.  

So anyway, six months after making a drunken spectacle of himself on The View, and blaming it on limoncello, Danny DiVito is now launching his own brand of Limoncello.

(Each bottle is 4 inches tall.)

Really, Danny? Six months go by and now you make a novelty liqueur? If you ask me, that is simply too little too late. Way too little.

Melinda Toolittle.

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Rupert Murdoch is making a $5 Billion dollar bid to buy the Wall Street Journal. But if that happens, won’t the Journal become a conservative newspaper?

Honestly, I don’t know what the big deal is. Rupert seems like a chill dude to me.

Kathy Griffin cannot handle drinking and not driving.

At least her (haggard) vagina didn’t spill out into the frame. That’s sooo 4 months ago.

I can’t wait until that clip hits youtube, because all I have right now is this zoetrope bullshit and it is phenomenally unsatisfying.

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