Look what I did to my chest:

Sooooo embarrassing. I am not proud of myself, you guys. Except for my tan. I’m very proud of my tan.

(SPOILER ALERT) Guess what? That wasn’t actually me who got the “Dick Sucka” tattoo. I mean, obviously. You can’t get buried in a Jewish cemetery with tattoos on your body. Not to mention a tattoo with such colloquial spelling.

Although, you have to admit the tattoo itself is quite nice. I especially like the hobo patch at the tip of the penis. It adds a bit of mystery. As do the letters “JER” on the right there. I sincerely hope the “Dick Sucka” tattoo was an attempt to cover up a keloidal “Jerk Offa #1″ brand scar.

Anyway, nice work. I’m sure you are the queen of third base.

(Thanks to Hannibal Buress for the link. See him live at Totally JK this Thursday night at Rififi. He’s hilarious.)

As many of you know, I am a part-time political cartoonist.

So, anyway…last week I drew a picture that ended up on the cover of the New Yorker magazine. Maybe you heard about it on the news? It showed Barack Obama (dressed up like a sleepy Muslim) in the oval office (burning an American flag) giving ‘daps’ to his wife Michelle (who is dressed like a Black Panther and also Pam Grier). Some people took offense to it, but the New Yorker LOVED IT. So much so, that they asked me to make another cover for next week’s issue. I decided the best thing to do would be to show John McCain and his wife Cindy in the oval office as well. Only this time around, I decided to make a much more realistic portrait. I hope you like it!

This weekend I was watching Animal Planet and happened to catch their coverage of the 2008 World’s Ugliest Dog Competition, which I believe was hosted by MADtv’s Debra Wilson (aka T-Pain without the top hat and goatee.) If you’ve never seen or heard of the World’s Ugliest Dog Competition before, it’s a beauty pageant for dogs, except all the dogs are super ugly and almost always severely handicapped. Retarded, a lot of them are retarded. It’s basically like the Special Olympics for dogs, only it’s entirely superficial and kind of mean-spirited. Anyway, the winner was a dog named Archie, but I found myself rooting for Elwood and Munchkin.

What made this year’s competition extra exciting was it’s unpredictability. The perennial champion, a very ugly dog named “Sam,” had just died, so it was anyone’s game. And, of course, Animal Planet made a heartwarming memorial video about the recently deceased Sam:

That video isn’t weird or racist at all. In fact, I’d go so far as to say Tiger Woods is the Sam the ugly dog of golf.

Exhibit A:

(NOT PHOTOSHOPPED)

Okay, so then immediately after the World’s Ugliest Dog Competition was the Animal Planet reality show called “Groomer Has It,” which is a reality show about people who apparently want to be dog groomers. The front-runner is a gay stereotype named “Artist.” Please watch this clip of Artist:

Tiger Woods is the champion of self-grooming gay blind dogs.

For years now, I’ve wanted to have a baby; a tiny little human (or chimpanzee) infant that I could hang out with, talk to, and educate. The thing is, I’m a really busy dude. I simply don’t have the time it takes to be a parent. Plus, I only want a baby. I don’t want a thing that will eventually grow up into something else. I just want a baby that’ll stay a baby and won’t bother me with a bunch of pooping, or crying, or breathing, or moving at all. Basically, I want a frozen baby, which is illegal. And that’s probably a good thing, because I’m super clumsy. I’m not going to spend a ton of money submerging a baby in a vat of liquid nitrogen only to accidentally drop it on my kitchen floor like a week later, shattering into a million pieces. I bet that’s such a mess.

That’s why I’m so excited to announce that I’ve decided to adopt…a cream puff baby…from www.creampuffbabies.com!!! What’s a cream puff baby, exactly? I’m not really sure, but the website says they are “Custom babies made to order!!”

Here’s the cream puff baby mission statement:

Our goal is to capture and create the beauty and realism of infancy into breathtaking “One of a Kind Babies” to be treasured for generations…Each baby reborn at “Cream Puff Babies Nursery” has been given many hours of time, love and care to achieve the most realistic lifelike look. These are “One-of-a Kind Babies” that will never be duplicated.

These are the cream puff babies I’m considering…

Baby Christopher:

“He likes to play with his ears.”

Baby Thomas:

“Thomas didn’t like having his “first bath” so we quickly got him dried off and wrapped up so he’d be warm…I also made him a magnet umbilical cord with clamp that can be used for more display options.”

Baby Kaitlyn:

“We tried giving her a pacifier. She didn’t much like that neither!! She still cried.”

Baby Miracle:

“His head needs supporting just like a real baby’s head when you hold him.”

I don’t know. Maybe I don’t want a baby. Maybe I want a micro-preemie?

Or, maybe I don’t want a micro-preemie. Maybe I want a baby monkey.

Or two?

There’s no Frequently Asked Questions section on creampuffbabies.com, but I think there should be. Here are mine:

• Wait, whaaaat?
• What the fuck is this?
• Why are they called cream puff babies?
• Who would…I don’t…seriously, what is this?

The following is an ad for a company called Liberator Medical Supply. It’s the best commercial I’ve seen on TV since the Kinoki foot pads. The ad features a woman named Holly who has a couple major problems in her life. Only one of which is using catheters every day.

After watching that video 100 times, I have a few questions for Holly…

Okay, Holly, first off…WHY DO YOU HAVE TO USE CATHETERS EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? Also, why weren’t you devastated about that? Granted, the notion of reusing a catheter every day for the rest of your life is very shitty. But, it pales in comparison to the fact that you still have to use a catheter every day for the rest of your life. You know what I’m saying Holly? That’s like becoming paraplegic and then getting mad when you find out you still have to cut your toenails. Furthermore, Holly, WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED OF TALKING TO STRANGERS OVER THE TELEPHONE? I mean, that’s okay, but it has nothing to do with you having to use catheters every day for the rest of your life. Those are separate issues right there. However, Holly, if you’re having problems with the catheters you use every day for the rest of your life, I’m pretty sure you should only talk to strangers about that. Ideally, they’d be strangers who can’t see your sad face. Not to make light of your problem! Agoraphobia is a real thing. But Holly, you know agoraphobia isn’t treated by using catheters every day for the rest of your life, right? Catheters play no part in mental health. All you need to do is go see a therapist, Holly. Unless of course, you already have a therapist. Oh my god. Holly. Did your therapist say you had to use catheters every day for the rest of your life? Because he is wrong. Also, Holly, WHAT’S WITH THAT CAT AT THE END? You don’t…oh Jesus, Holly. You don’t use cats as catheters, do you? Did you think the word “cath” was just a silly way doctors referred to cats? Because you’re wrong Holly. “Cath” is when you use the word “catheter” as a verb in a weird abbreviated way I’ve never heard before. Of course you’re going to get urinary tract infections, Holly! Your urinary tract is no place for a cat! I don’t care how clean they are, Holly, they’re still cats. But now I totally understand why you were so devastated before. How many cats have you boiled alive and stuffed in your peehole, Holly? Why did you do it? Why? Why?

Allow me to introduce you all to Rabbi Mordechai Friedman. He’s the host of a little show on Queens Public Television called Judaism: The Series. I discovered Rabbi Friedman a few days ago while I was flipping through the channels. His intensity can be quite intriguing and I found myself instantly becoming a fan follower. Unfortunately, I have a feeling that I may be Rabbi Mordechai’s only viewer, which is totally unacceptable. This is a man who must be heard.

So, I decided to upload some of his teachings onto youtube for everyone to enjoy. (That’s the Jewish way.) Please enjoy:

I love when he gets mad at the phone number for being antisemitic.

By the way, I season-passed Judaism: The Series on my DVR, so expect a lot more crazy Mordechai clips to come your way in the short future. I really, really hope he becomes an internet sensation and, subsequently, sues me for defamation. (That’s also the Jewish way.)

I was reading the news this morning, because I enjoy stories of black men beating white women (especially when the white woman deserves it). There’s an article on ABCnews.com that describes just how desperate and pathetic the Hillary Clinton campaign has become.

“For Hillary Clinton in particular, this week is do or die…Camp Clinton is hoping for a swing in the pendulum of media sympathy and scrutiny — and they hope every reporter in the country saw the opening skit in the return of Saturday Night Live.”

Really? Why doesn’t she ask all the reporters in the country to water-board themselves while they’re at it? Because, yikes, that shit was terrrrrible.

The best part of the article though, had to be its accompanying picture, seen here:

It’s Hillary the Hillariveter! That is so Hillarelevant! Good job, Clinton fans. Nothing attracts the youth vote more than photoshopping your candidate’s face onto WWII propaganda. Idiots. Y’all just got PLIPP’d.

I mean, if you’re going to do it, fucking do it. Here are some posters I made for the Hillary campaign:

(more…)

Shocking news today. As reported by mediatakeout.com (a.k.a. “The Most Visited Black Website in the World” (a.k.a. my “homepage”)), actress/comedienne Mo’Nique has been accused by her ex-husband of taking, and even selling, cocaine. This was his quote:

Not only was [Mo'Nique] an avid marijuana user, but she also did cocaine. And what’s worse, she began making money dealing coke … [After we separated] Mo’Nique threatened my life! She said if I ever told anyone about her lifestyle, she’d hire someone to kill me.

This is how I think it went down:

Mo’Nique: “If you ever, and I mean EVER, tell anyone that I’m a fat disgusting slob with an overabundance of fraudulent self-confidence, I’ll hire someone to kill you.”
Mo’Nique’s ex-husband: “Yikes. I just asked you what you wanted on your pizza.”
Mo’Nique: “Oh, my bad! Could you ask them to put ten other pizzas on my pizza? Thanks.”

That’s actually a excerpt from the new Mo’Nique biopic I just wrote and directed. Here’s the poster:

It’s kind of homage to DiPalma’s classic, except re-done using the real-life story of Mo’Nique, who plays herself in the film. This is the basic plot: We see a young Mo’Nique (short for “More Unique”…just kidding, it means nothing) making her way through the biz, using her wit and heft to eventually take control of the UPN. Then one day, she buys a bunch of cocaine thinking it’s just very expensive powdered sugar. But, after her donuts do nothing but numb the inside of her mouth, Monique quickly realizes her mistake. She mixes the remaining cocaine with poison and sells it all back to a bunch of skinny bitches, who are all soon killed by the concoction (justly, in Monique’s opinion). She then takes the drug money and buys a ton (2000 lbs.) of regular, inexpensive powdered sugar and lives happily ever after. She also farts a lot. (The first draft was actually called ‘Fartface,’ but we went with ‘Scarf-face’ because Tyler Perry thought it made more sense because she scarfs so much food into her fat face.)

I think it’s going to be an awesome movie. Here’s a sneak preview:

Posted in Ass, Cuhcaine, Divorce, EEEEK, Fat, Food, Guts, Hollywood, Monsters | 1 Comment »