I’m not the first person to say this, but Michael Vick is an asshole.

So, it’s 1000 degrees outside with 1000% humidity in New York today. Also, some kind of thunder-typhoon hit the city early this morning and now all the trains are flooded and everyone hates everyone else even more than usual. 

Basically, it’s a complete nightmare outside and I don’t feel like writing today. Is that okay, MOM?

Instead of trying to use words to describe how scared and disgusting I feel, I’ve decided to let these eight seconds from the Oxygen channel’s Mo’Nique’s F.A.T. Chance* do the talking for me.

That is what New York City feels like today. Times eight million.

(* = Anything with two apostrophes is automatically a winner in my book.)

The official trailer for Yeti: A Love Story came out today.

So. Fucking. Embarrassing.

I seriously want to kill myself after watching that. But, if I did, my participation in that movie would be the last thing I ever got onto IMDB. And, therefore, I must carry on.

Here’s the description that went along with it:

It’s “King Kong” meets “Brokeback Mountain” in “Yeti: A Love Story”, a gay themed horror-comedy about a homicidal and wildly homosexual mountain yeti!

Me: “Seriously, Dad, just because I’m in a movie about a gay bigfoot who rapes boys in the woods, that doesn’t make me gay.”
My Dad: “…”
Me: “I don’t even get raped in the movie. I get shot in stomach as I run through the woods in my underwear.”  
My Dad: “…”
Me: “To get away from the gay bigfoot!”

My sincerest congratulations to Adam and E-Rock for getting national distribution on Yeti. I just wish you guys would please go back and pixelate my face out.

Consider the following:

1. Anti-freeze toothpaste.
2. Cardboard dumplings.
3. Babies full of needles.
4. Dragon bone consumption.
5. Really bad headaches.
6. 2 billion rats.
7. No Simpsons.
8. Organ harvest prisons.
9. Dog holocaust.
10. Slave kids.
11. Old lady penguin feet.
12. Molten metal accidents.
13. Cyborg pigeons.
14. Faulty penis transplants.
15. Blood-red poop rivers.

No thank you.

Did you hear about that Chris Benoit guy who strangled his whole family and killed himself last week? Yikes! Who saw that coming?

Weird, he looks super stable.

This quote was in Time Magazine:

He then added, “I mean, Chris was normal guy…who took steroids and strangled people for money. That’s the Chris I know. But, going berserk and choking those close to him? I just don’t see it.”