…because Connie Chung looks terrible!!!

Thanks to everyone who came out to last night’s Totally J/K. It was a really great show and the perfect way to finish off the year. (I want to say that we “went out in style,” but I can’t because that’s what that psycho kid wrote in his suicide letter right before he went and shot up that mall in Omaha last week. (Way to ruin a perfectly innocent figure of speech, asshole!))

N*E*WAYZ, Noah and I are already looking forward to starting the show back up again in 2008! We’re especially excited about our brand-new “Clip of the Wiik” segment of the show, which is when our friend Matt James secretly films the two of us playing Nintendo Wii together. It’s seriously the lamest, gayest, and most retarded Noah and I have ever been. And that’s really saying something. Enjoy!

Did you read/hear/barf about the French woman who received the world’s first partial face transplant? Seriously. A face transplant.

Basically, what happened was this French woman was sleeping when, all of the sudden, she woke up and discovered her dog had eaten most of her face/off. Doctors quickly replaced her face with Nicolas Cage’s face. She was then sent to giant magnetic prison in the middle of the ocean.

This is what The Guardian says happened:

After a bad week, the seamstress had taken a large dose of sleeping pills “to forget”.

Wait, stop right there. To forget? This is already an amazing story.

Reporter: So, how’d you lose your face?
No-face Lady: Well, it all started when I took a large dose of sleeping pills.
Reporter: And what was your reason for taking such a large dose of sleeping pills? 
No-face Lady: Oh, you know. “To forget.”

I could seriously walk away from this story right here and be totally satisfied. But, no. The story only gets better (not better).

She woke on her sofa and tried to light a cigarette, and then noticed blood and the presence of her dog beside her. Looking in the mirror, she discovered her terrible injuries. 

AAAAAAAAHHHH! She didn’t know she didn’t have a face until she tried to light a cigarette? What clued her in exactly? The not having lips part? Jesus. I bet she hates that dog.

She said she had “no hatred” for her labrador-cross Tanya, who she felt had been trying to save her.

Correct. I just looked up the word “save” in a dog dictionary:

save: /seɪv/
–verb (used with object)

1.to rescue from danger or possible harm, injury, or loss
2. to keep safe, intact, or unhurt
3. to rip off and eat a human’s face
4. to avoid the spending, consumption, or waste of bones

Anyway, she got a donor face and the rest is medical history:

BTW, the donor face came from a woman who killed herself. So…therefore…I can’t handle reading science news anymore.

All things considered, you have to admit she looks great (”great” means “permanently photoshopped,” right?). Although, I think it was pretty rude of the surgeons to graft a voice bubble like that, dontchya think? (JK, you guys! I did that part myself! [COMEDY!])

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