Sometimes I think to myself, “I wish there was a show on TV, a documentary, about a Hollywood actor going abroad to search for spiritual enlightenment. Preferably an actor from the worst show on television. An actor with thinning hair who was also a GAP model and is sometimes in rap videos for no explainable reason.”

Well, guess what? It happened! And it’s in H-muthafuckin’-D, kid!

I’m speaking, of course, of the Discovery HD program called “Jeremy Piven’s Journey of a Lifetime.” It follows the 42 year-old Emmy-award winning star of Entourage, as he travels the subcontinent to finally experience the semester abroad he never got to have as a kid. And we’re all invited along for the ride (in HIGH DEFINITION, no less)!

My favorite part of JP’S JL was when Jeremy Piven visits a temple in Rishikesh, India, and decides to get intensely gay with his new Hindu homeboy, Swami G.

Uhm…is this a TV show? Or the “Introduction to Travel Writing” course I took at Emerson College? Because, seriously, this shit needs some serious peer review and revision.

I love it when he’s like:

“At the end of the river Ganges, I found a sense of peace. A sense of balance I have never felt. This was totally unexpected and unplanned.”

“…it was, like, out of the blue. A complete coincidence that there was a camera crew was following my every move. So weird.”

“Right now I just feel the current of the river Ganges. I kind of feel that current still, in a weird way, flowing. I feel lighter. I mean, if you to say what was the defining moment of this trip, that would definitely be it. That makes it a journey of a lifetime.”

“…a journey of a lifetime I just so happened to executive produce, thank you very much.”

What a douche. And asking Swami G for a mantra? In front of all the cameras? Bad manners, much?

Swami G. is tight, though.

Actually, I think the blooper reel at the end was the worst/best part. (Spoiler alert: he’s the blooper.) Piven clearly had a catchphrase he wanted integrated into the show, but guess what? It’s terribly embarrassing. Also, watch as he somehow manages to be condescending to a monkey.

Thing is, JP, most people can’t be a traveler. Because most people can’t be a movie premium cable TV star.

Jeremy Piven is like that dude at the end of 12 Monkeys, except he’s spreading his PLIPPS all over the world.

I really hope Journey of a Lifetime 2 takes him to Iraq.

Addendum: I’ve been informed that this show first aired months ago, which means what I saw was a rerun. That makes it so much worse.

The official trailer for Yeti: A Love Story came out today.

So. Fucking. Embarrassing.

I seriously want to kill myself after watching that. But, if I did, my participation in that movie would be the last thing I ever got onto IMDB. And, therefore, I must carry on.

Here’s the description that went along with it:

It’s “King Kong” meets “Brokeback Mountain” in “Yeti: A Love Story”, a gay themed horror-comedy about a homicidal and wildly homosexual mountain yeti!

Me: “Seriously, Dad, just because I’m in a movie about a gay bigfoot who rapes boys in the woods, that doesn’t make me gay.”
My Dad: “…”
Me: “I don’t even get raped in the movie. I get shot in stomach as I run through the woods in my underwear.”  
My Dad: “…”
Me: “To get away from the gay bigfoot!”

My sincerest congratulations to Adam and E-Rock for getting national distribution on Yeti. I just wish you guys would please go back and pixelate my face out.

Grab those surgical masks, people!

Beckham Fever! It’s like S.A.R.S., only way less interesting!

“Just naked-fart it out, bro. You’ll be fine.”

I looked Beckham Fever up on WebMD, and it’s not pretty. The symptoms include: a high-pitched voice, gay haircuts, and a robot wife.

It’s important to get tested regularly for Beckham Fever because, if left untreated, you could make a billion dollars and be the most famous person on Earth.

Not without steroids or a rape allegation, he won’t. This is AMERICA.

47 year-old CNN correspondent and renowned demon-hag, Nancy Grace, announced today that she’s pregnant with twins!!!! 

No word yet if she plans on keeping the babies or simply eating them.

She released a copy of the ultrasound to the press:

The father is said to be her husband, David Linch, an Atlanta investment banker. However, Mrs. Grace isn’t giving up the possibility that she was gang-raped by the entire Duke Lacrosse team.

(What I’m saying is she’s a terrible person.)

About a year ago I put a short clip of my standup on youtube, in which I call comedienne Kathy Griffin a faggot. A lot. Like, over and over again. In fact, the punchline is, ”Kathy Griffin is such a faggot she’s like three faggots. She’s plural faggots.”

I deliberated long and hard before putting the video online. For one thing, it’s all blurry and makes me look like a teenage goblin. In addition to that, I was worried that if seen out of context, it might make me look intolerant towards all gays, and not just Kathy Griffin.

Ultimately, I chose to make the video public. I thought it was important that if a person searched the words “Kathy Griffin” on youtube, that they at least have the opportunity to see my goblin face calling her a faggot repeatedly.

The video caused a stir immediately. The viewer comments were amazing.

Some were positive:

“This routine is at least as good as stand-up regularly shown on Comedy Central or late night shows.”

“worth watching for sure, nice work”

“Kinda cute, I mean the guy is. lol”

(Click here to see the girl who thinks I’m cute)

 A few of the comments were aggressively negative and psychoanalytical:

 ”this has to be one of the stupidest comedy routines i’ve ever seen….if someone was to guess who was the gay one between you two they defiently [sic] choose you. And yea right you have girlfriend, whats her name..harvey? it seems like your whole comedy act is trying to hide your homosexuality by calling other people gay.”

Most of them, however, were just ambivalent, crazy, or both:

“…meh…”

“Ehhh…”

“…i mean i get what you’re going for but…egh. it’s like calling dame judy dench a nigger.”

(The third category was clearly my favorite…meh…)

After a while though, the Kathy Griffin video lost steam; the daily hits slowed down. My video was no longer on the first page of results when one searched for Kathy Griffin. I actually forgot all about it.

Then, two days ago, I got this comment from a youtube member named Buckshoty. His words changed my life. This is what he wrote:

oh name calling is that all you got? I think Cathy [sic] Griffen [sic] sucks but you make her look good. You’ll never be a good insult comic if all your gonna do is poor impersonation and name calling. Especially something like an overused word like faggot. Wouldn’t quit my day job if I where you.

Obviously, that comment hit me like a ton of bricks. It exposed me as a mean-spirited and unoriginal fraud. But, as strange as it sounds, it liberated me at the same time. I re-evaluated my life and felt compelled to start over. Maybe apply to law school or something.

In other words, it made me feel like such a faggot.

“Who is this Buckshoty person?” I asked myself. “How can I find him and thank him for his expert criticism?”

All I had was his youtube profile. 

Apparently, Buckshoty’s day job consists of uploading footage from his Final Fantasy video games and combining it with his collection of symphonic death metal, to make music videos that he then posts on youtube. Only in his spare time does he get to watch youtubes about Kathy Griffin.

This is his latest work, entitled “Cradle of Filth and Final Fantasy 8 Nymphetamine”:

Buckshoty’s such a faggotron he’s like 10^24 faggotrons.

I want that video to get a million hits.