This morning I got an email from one of my best friends, David, bassist of the band Via Audio. This is what it said:

“Joe- You look and act exactly like this gay kid on Project Runway,
Christian Siriano. Google that dude, you will poop…i like to get stoned and pretend the guy is you.”

Oh, in case you don’t know who Christian Siriano is, here’s a 10 minute youtube of his “fiercest” moments:

(For the record: I did not edit that video.)

Correct. I do look and act exactly like that guy. 100% (Also, using the description “that gay kid on Project Runway” is like saying “that small burrowing mammal on Meerkat Manor“.) Worst thing about that story is that David isn’t even the first person to tell me that. Nor the tenth. That was either the twelfth or thirteenth email I’ve received in the last three months notifying me of my “gay twin.”

Personally, I don’t see the resemblance at all. Some people tell me that the reason I don’t see the resemblance is because I choose not to see it. And that is entirely true. I choose not to see it. Because it’s kind of an insulting thing to tell to someone straight. I mean, I think John C. Reilly looks and acts just like Richard Simmons, but that’s totally different. Wait, no it’s not.

Friend: Oh my god, Joe, do you watch Project Runway? Because your looks and behaviors are eerily similar to those of this contestant named Christian, who is radioactively homosexual.
Me: Shut up. That’s not true at all. Shut up.
Friend: What’s wrong? Did I offend you just now?
Me: Yeah, kind of. A little bit.
Friend: How could you possibly be offended that you remind me of someone who acts like an evil gay villain on Batman: The Animated Series, terrorizing Gotham City with snide comments, fabulous hair, and witch doctor fabric shears?
Me: I don’t know. I guess I’m a little sensitive.
Friend: So is Christian Siriano! See what I mean?
Me: Stop it.

So in conclusion, what I’m saying is this: Even if you’re thinking it, just don’t tell me that I look like Christian Siriano. Please. Also, you should come see David’s band play this Sunday night at Totally JK. They are very very good.

Everyone knows that I’ve been a sports fan my entire life. So it should come as no surprise that I’ve spent my last two Saturday nights going to historic athletic events. On Saturday, Dec. 29th, I was in attendance Giants Stadium as The New England Patriots completed their perfect season by defeating the New York Giants 38-35 in one of the most exciting football games ever played.

Then, this past Saturday, I was in attendance at Madison Square Garden to see the Profession Bull Riders Versus Invitational. It was announced that, for the first time in the history of “all western sport,” the competitors were given the chance to actually choose which bull he’d ride later that night. (First of all, about that, …what? How is it at all possible this was the first time cowboys chose their bull? Were all rodeos prior to 2008 decided with an Ouija board? An officiated game of Oogie Cookie? Also, was it really necessary to bring the Hemispheres into it?)

Both events were a triumph. Someone asked me which one was better, and I really didn’t what to say. Sure, the Patriots game was more celebrated in the liberal Jew-run media, but the NYC rodeo was pretty amazing as well. So, because I believe in science, I decided to match them up:

(more…)

For the past two years, I’ve had a full-time job at a fancy glasses store in Soho. However, I’m sad to say, today is my last day in the optical business.

During my time as an eyeglass employee, I’ve slowly been demoted from copywriter to window display artist to, finally, delivery boy. It’s been a long, strange experience that I feel deserves a long, self-indulgent recap.

(more…)

Lil Wayne’s next album doesn’t drop until at least next February, yet that hasn’t stopped the album art from already leaking out onto the internet. And from the looks of it, it’s going to be his gayest album yet.

“ONLEE DA TRU THUGZ WERR MAIKUP.”

PLEASE GOD LET THIS BECOME A TREND.

Swish. Count it.

Eek? Whatevs. I don’t care, he’s still my #1 friend crush.

Sometimes, when it’s gross and rainy outside, I search for an up-tempo and inspirational youtube to help get me through the day. Today I think I hit the jackpot.

Wow. So good. Like, SOOOOOO good. I can’t handle how good it is. Seriously, 2:52-2:56 of that video rivals Little Superstar’s 0:36-0:41 for the funniest thing I’ve seen on the internets. Uhm, her face?

By a show of hands, who thought Evelyn Thomas was full-blown retarded?

Can we make this the new internet sensation? Please? God?

(Also, 1:33-1:40 and 2:03-2:04.)

Just when I was ready to pack my Myspace up and devote myself fully to Facebook, this happens… 

Today I got friend request on Myspace from a guy named Marc in Miami. He also sent a message that read simply:

“I just started a new web site called www.getshaded.com. check it out.”

“What?” I asked myself. “Who is Marc?”

So, I checked out his profile.

A finger designer interested in meeting no one? What? 

Unsatisfied, I delved further into Marc’s myspace to see if I could learn more about him, beyond his finger designing for guys and girls.

What I discovered was so much more/less than I could have ever dreamed…

(more…)

Oh, really? You’re some sort of fashion visionary for wearing silly striped sunglasses?

Don’t think so, Kanye. I think we both know where you got that idea…

(more…)