Shocking news today. As reported by mediatakeout.com (a.k.a. “The Most Visited Black Website in the World” (a.k.a. my “homepage”)), actress/comedienne Mo’Nique has been accused by her ex-husband of taking, and even selling, cocaine. This was his quote:
Not only was [Mo'Nique] an avid marijuana user, but she also did cocaine. And what’s worse, she began making money dealing coke … [After we separated] Mo’Nique threatened my life! She said if I ever told anyone about her lifestyle, she’d hire someone to kill me.
This is how I think it went down:
Mo’Nique: “If you ever, and I mean EVER, tell anyone that I’m a fat disgusting slob with an overabundance of fraudulent self-confidence, I’ll hire someone to kill you.”
Mo’Nique’s ex-husband: “Yikes. I just asked you what you wanted on your pizza.”
Mo’Nique: “Oh, my bad! Could you ask them to put ten other pizzas on my pizza? Thanks.”
That’s actually a excerpt from the new Mo’Nique biopic I just wrote and directed. Here’s the poster:
It’s kind of homage to DiPalma’s classic, except re-done using the real-life story of Mo’Nique, who plays herself in the film. This is the basic plot: We see a young Mo’Nique (short for “More Unique”…just kidding, it means nothing) making her way through the biz, using her wit and heft to eventually take control of the UPN. Then one day, she buys a bunch of cocaine thinking it’s just very expensive powdered sugar. But, after her donuts do nothing but numb the inside of her mouth, Monique quickly realizes her mistake. She mixes the remaining cocaine with poison and sells it all back to a bunch of skinny bitches, who are all soon killed by the concoction (justly, in Monique’s opinion). She then takes the drug money and buys a ton (2000 lbs.) of regular, inexpensive powdered sugar and lives happily ever after. She also farts a lot. (The first draft was actually called ‘Fartface,’ but we went with ‘Scarf-face’ because Tyler Perry thought it made more sense because she scarfs so much food into her fat face.)
I think it’s going to be an awesome movie. Here’s a sneak preview:
Posted in Ass, Cuhcaine, Divorce, EEEEK, Fat, Food, Guts, Hollywood, Monsters | 1 Comment »
Wednesday, January 23rd, 2008
In theory, I should love cheesecake. I love cheese and I love cake, but for some reason the combination of the two has never won me over. It certainly tastes great, yes. But the problem is its unwieldiness. You can’t just pop cheesecake in your mouth and call it a day. No, in fact, it’s not poppable at all. You need a fork to eat the stuff (sometimes even a knife), which as we all know is completely unacceptable. Cheesecake’s stubborn refusal to make that next logical step–to poppermorphosize, if you will–has, in my opinion, forever doomed it to be classified as an imperfect, sub-standard desert.
Or so I thought.
Problem solved. Thanks Arby’s.
PS: Nice work pairing it with ketchup.
Posted in Barf, Fat, Food, Guts, Red States, who cares? | 3 Comments »
Monday, January 14th, 2008
As many of you (my fans) might imagine, having and maintaining an important and popular weblog such as joemande.com can sometimes feel like a full time job. Every morning, before I watch TV and read the Drudge Report for inspiration, I have to log on to my website and sift through literally thousands of reader comments. I do this despite the fact I could totally get a robot do it for me. Easily. But I don’t; I insist on doing it myself. I believe the major reason I emerged as a true comedic force in New York City in 2007 was because my fans (who are the BEST, by the way) were able to sense my influence, and personally connect with me as a genius, as they read and responded to my website.
Sadly, I’ve come to suspect that many of my “readers” are frauds. Phonies. A bunch of fake-ass posers. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little devastated by this realization.
You may have to look closely, but see if you can tell what’s wrong with the comments I got this morning:
That’s right. Not only are they needlessly repetitive, but they also all have the same IP Address! Can you believe that? Here I am thinking I’m making this personal connection with a slew of new fans–people like Black Pussy Black Lesbian Porn Fat Black Pussy and Anal Sex Anal Bleaching Black Anal–only to discover that they’re all probably written by the same person. A very fat lesbian with a beautifully bleached black ass.
I’m worried that a few of my more dedicated commenters–people like: Big Asian Lactating Tit Boobs, super bowl party decorations, Granny MILF Mom and Son Sex, Impressive grease broadway tickets, and Gay Horse Fuck, might all be pretenders as well. I pray that my worries are eventually proven to be in vain, but let’s just say I’m not optimistic.
Sometimes I wish all of my fans could act like antonio banderas biography? Talk about a classy commenter.
Textbook form: short, positive, complimentary. You can really tell that that book loves reading my blog, not to mention enjoyes hit films.
Posted in Ass, Big Dicks, Boobs, Fat, Internet, Lezzies, Pedophilia, Penis, Racism?, Robots, e-PLIPPS | 2 Comments »
Wednesday, December 19th, 2007
Alright. Alright. I admit it. I’m back on the Huckabee bandwagon.
Last week I said I was voting for Tom Tancredo (who I still think is the most qualified and best looking of all the candidates), but right now it doesn’t look like his campaign has much of a chance, which is a shame because he seems to be the only person running who knows the danger of Mexican Jihadists who like to go on shopping mall rampages.
Huckabee, meanwhile, is surging and looking more and more presidential everyday. And by “presidential” I mean “like a deflated tire.” (If Huckabee wins, it’ll be just like my screenplay President Thinner, which was an unauthorized sequel to Steven King’s Thinner combined with a retelling of the 1995 classic The American President.) I’ll listen to any candidate who has overcome morbid obesity. I’ll consider anyone in favor of AIDS colonies. And I’ll fucking endorse any man with a fat ugly son who likes to lynch stray dogs in the woods at Boy Scout camp.
This is a picture of Fat Mike Huckabee next to Skinny Mike Huckabee:
And here’s one of Skinny Mike Huckabee next to a sea turtle:
I really love the new campaign ad from Huckabee. Some people say he’s trying to subliminally use Christian religious symbolism, but I don’t see it.
I have no idea what you’re talking about. There’s nothing creepily religious about that at all.
Here’s Mike Huckabee on MSNBC addressing the “floating cross” controversy:
Mike Huckabee:
“It is a bookshelf people. A. Book. Shelf…Actually, what you didn’t catch was with my eyes I was signaling…a very secret code to all the Evangelicals out there.”
Actually, Governor Thiiiiinnennneeeeeerrrrrrrr, I did catch that.
Posted in AIDS, Crazy Christianz, Dogs, Fat, Monsters, Red States, Uncategorized, War on Terrorism | No Comments »
Thursday, November 22nd, 2007
I’m thankful for so manwii things. One of them is shelter.
Posted in EEEEK, Family, Fat, Friends!, News, Survival | 2 Comments »
Wednesday, November 7th, 2007
This is the audition tape Noah and I made for the upcoming Notorious B.I.G. movie. I think we have a shot (bad choice of words)…(because he was shot to death, dontchyaknow?!)
You should go to www.foxsearchlight.com/notorious if you want to LOL (laugh out loud) and FUI (feel uncomfortable inside).
Also, if you try to Google Image Search the words “B.I.G. R.I.P.” this is the first thing that comes up:
B.I.G. R.I.P. = Space Vagina!!!!
(more…)
Posted in Fat, Friends!, Hollywood, Stop Snitchin', Totally JK | No Comments »
Thursday, September 20th, 2007
Here’s a picture of Aretha Franklin, showing off her new line of perfume, “Bar-B-Que Sauce.”
BOOM!!!
R-E-S-PWNED!!!
(I should write for the Jay Leno program.)
Posted in Aww Snapz!, Boobs, Fat, The Elderly, The healing power of music | No Comments »
