Look, before you watch this video, just know in advance that I’m sorry.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

…because Connie Chung looks terrible!!!

I know I keep changing my mind, but I really think I mean it this time. I’ve decided I’m voting for Tom Tancredo (R-CO) for President of the United States. Why? Because he is strong on the issues I care about.

Uhm…more like: Tancredope.as.fuck. Am I right? What a beast.

He should seriously start calling himself “The Perfect Storm” Tancredo. Dude is the ideal candidate. Not only is he drop dead gorge, but also intimidatingly intelligent. He seems to know exactly what real Americans worry about. I mean, look at the latest authentic news poll I found:

PS: (R-CO) = (Retarded-Cookoo)

Last night, during a concert in Boulder, Colorado, singer Annie Lennox panicked and rushed off-stage after seeing a man in the audience wearing a gas-mask and black cape.

“A fellow who was dressed in a black cape, platform boots and a gas mask approached the stage. Lennox saw him coming and threw down her microphone and went backstage.”

Wow. That’s so creepy. Seriously. There’s probably nothing in the entire world scarier than a weirdo in gas-mask.

Oh, wait…Annie Lennox. Annie Lennox is much, much scarier than a weirdo in a gas-mask.

What a freak.

BTW, here’s my recipe for homemade Annie Lennox:

2 cups lesbian vampire
1 cup Darfur refugee (bleached)
3/4 cup french prostitute
1/2 cup nursing home grandmother
1/2 cup David Bowie
10 shredded carrots
4 bats (or 6 dried bats)
1 VHS cassette Rosemary’s Baby
2 tbsp. velociraptor
2 Rubik’s cubes
1 Zorro mask
1 leather sex whip
1 bay leaf
salt and pepper (to taste)

Combine ingredients in a food processor, 8-10 pulses. Add mixture into a Crock Pot with 3 cups of water. Turn on and leave stewing in a dark cave for 100 years.  

After the jump, see a picture of Annie Lennox taken immediately after she ate comedian Dave Chappelle…

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First it was Cropstikas, now it’s GoogleEarthstikas!

The building is actually a U.S. Navy barracks built in the 1960’s. The military is currently spending over half a million dollars to “camouflage” the shape of the roof from above. When finished, it should end up looking something like this:

In the article, a Navy official said:

“You have to realize back in the ’60s we did not have the Internet.”

Correct. But there were swastikas back in the ’60s. And probably even things called “blueprints.”

Cropstikas!

OMG. Racist corn is so scary.

Seriously, there are only two possible explanations for this. Either New Jersey is being visited by Jew-hating aliens, or Mel Gibson is directing Signs 2.

Evolution? Really, RG? Good call on that one. Because gun nuts love science terms.

Here’s a transcript of his speech:

“Good morning, NRA. Thank you for inviting me today. I believe guns came from monkeys. 9-11, 9-11, 9-11. Vote for me. (fart noise)”

He didn’t actually say that. But…sort of.

1. I’ve been meaning to write something very clever and thoughtful for the past couple of days, but instead I’ve just been watching this video over and over again:

(It’s my new Montgomery Mini-Mall.)

2. Who’s pumped for the new Osama bin Threat-tape? I know I am! Have you seen the sneak peek pictures of the guy? He looks better than ever! Me thinks he’s been using some of this:

3. Lastly, you should def come to Rififi on Sunday night, for I will be co-hosting Max Silvestri’s monthly show “I Like Attention.” It’s always a fun and exciting time, plus Max and I made a video.

Hey, remember El Debarge? Well, he was arrested yesterday on vandalism and drug charges.

Hey, remember when “Rhythm of the Night” by El Debarge was your favorite song for most of your childhood?

Hey, remember when you had mono freshman year of college and you were all alone in your dorm room one night watching Barry Gordy’s The Last Dragon on cable, and then for some reason, within the movie, the music video for “Rhythm of the Night” started playing and it was the first time you ever realized that El Debarge wasn’t a beautiful woman like you’d always thought, but instead was a scary, waifish, rat-tranny? Hey, and remember when that made you start screaming? (Hey, remember it was also your 19th birthday?)

PS: Do you think it was fate that I discovered the 21st century version of El Debarge?

A while back, I wrote about how afraid I was of Vladimir Putin’s state-sponsored militia of brainwashed teenage Internet hackers, known as “Nashis“ (named after an organic but very racist type of Russian breakfast cereal).

Well, after watching this special report on CNN, let me just say that I feel much safer now:

What. The. Fuck.

TWEEN: “Hey Mom, can I have like $60?”
MOM: “For what, dear?”
TWEEN: “There’s this really awesome show at the arena I want to see.”
MOM: “Now, you know how I feel about rock n’ roll…”
TWEEN: “It’s not a rock show, Mom.”
MOM: “Well, what is it then?”
TWEEN: “It’s Battlecry.”
MOM: “And what is this ‘Battlecry’?”
TWEEN: “Well it’s kind of like a rock show…”
MOM: “I don’t like the sooound of thiiiis.”
TWEEN: “…but instead of music, there’s this local news sportscaster guy, and he yells at everyone about how much Jesus hates abortions.”
MOM: “Oh, that sounds like fun.”
TWEEN: “Yeah! And fireworks go off. And there are these lunatics running around with flags. And every one’s crying and praying.” 
MOM: “Wow! Hand me my purse, we’re both going!” 
TWEEN: “Eeeew! Are you kidding me? I can’t go to Battlecry with my mom! That’s so embarrassing.”
MOM: “Why?”
TWEEN: “You had your chance, Mom! This is my war!”

Quick poll: Who would win an all out fight to the death? Battlecryers or Nashis?

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