So, it’s 1000 degrees outside with 1000% humidity in New York today. Also, some kind of thunder-typhoon hit the city early this morning and now all the trains are flooded and everyone hates everyone else even more than usual. 

Basically, it’s a complete nightmare outside and I don’t feel like writing today. Is that okay, MOM?

Instead of trying to use words to describe how scared and disgusting I feel, I’ve decided to let these eight seconds from the Oxygen channel’s Mo’Nique’s F.A.T. Chance* do the talking for me.

That is what New York City feels like today. Times eight million.

(* = Anything with two apostrophes is automatically a winner in my book.)

The official trailer for Yeti: A Love Story came out today.

So. Fucking. Embarrassing.

I seriously want to kill myself after watching that. But, if I did, my participation in that movie would be the last thing I ever got onto IMDB. And, therefore, I must carry on.

Here’s the description that went along with it:

It’s “King Kong” meets “Brokeback Mountain” in “Yeti: A Love Story”, a gay themed horror-comedy about a homicidal and wildly homosexual mountain yeti!

Me: “Seriously, Dad, just because I’m in a movie about a gay bigfoot who rapes boys in the woods, that doesn’t make me gay.”
My Dad: “…”
Me: “I don’t even get raped in the movie. I get shot in stomach as I run through the woods in my underwear.”  
My Dad: “…”
Me: “To get away from the gay bigfoot!”

My sincerest congratulations to Adam and E-Rock for getting national distribution on Yeti. I just wish you guys would please go back and pixelate my face out.

A few months ago, I confessed to having an intense fear of laughing babies.

But, after seeing this, I feel much better. Vindicated, even.

(Thanks to fellow baby-hater, Max.)

Consider the following:

1. Anti-freeze toothpaste.
2. Cardboard dumplings.
3. Babies full of needles.
4. Dragon bone consumption.
5. Really bad headaches.
6. 2 billion rats.
7. No Simpsons.
8. Organ harvest prisons.
9. Dog holocaust.
10. Slave kids.
11. Old lady penguin feet.
12. Molten metal accidents.
13. Cyborg pigeons.
14. Faulty penis transplants.
15. Blood-red poop rivers.

No thank you.

Just as Summer begins, today I read about some guy in Florida getting hit by ”dry lightning.”

With no rain or even clouds to warn him of the danger, death came literally out of the blue Thursday to a self-employed landscaper. The killer was a powerful bolt of lightning that cracked through perfectly clear skies.

[He] was killed by a weather phenomenon fittingly called a ”bolt from the blue” or ”dry lightning” because it falls from clear, blue skies.

LOL! Get it? “Out of the blue.” Because it came out of nowhere and killed that dude! 

Wait…lightning? Lightning can strike you on a sunny day? I’ve never even considered worrying about that. And I worry about everything.

But, I mean, at least it’s not some kind of super-deadly form of lightning, right? It’s normal, run-of-the-mill lightning, that just so happens to come out of nowhere. I think I can deal with that. That’s not that scary.

The fair-weather bolts pack a bigger, deadlier punch and form differently.

Fuck me.

Most lightning bolts carry a negative charge, but ”bolts from the blue” have a positive charge, carry as much as 10 times the current, are hotter and last longer.

AAAAH! Of course! Why wouldn’t lightning that comes out of nowhere on a sunny day be ten times stronger, hotter, and longer-lasting than regular lightning? That’s rational. 

The bolts normally travel horizontally away from the storm and reach farther than typical lightning, then curve to the ground.

So, basically, they go out of their way to kill you? Awesome.

Have a good weekend, everyone. I just checked the forecast, it’s going to be beautiful out there.

I’m staying in my apartment forever.

Some people are freaking out over the news that Russia tested a new ICBM missile yesterday. The missile is said to be capable of piercing the US missile defense system. The concern is this might start an arms race between the two countries and blah blah blah World War 3.

Honestly, an arms race with Russia doesn’t scare me. We all know how the last one went down.

When it comes to things about Russia that scare me, I’d have to go with the article in last week’s Newsweek about Vladimir Putin’s growing army of brainwashed militants.

The Kremlin has rolled out its newest weapon in the drive to reclaim Russia’s bygone regional dominance: a shadowy youth movement known as Nashi…

I’m sorry? Did you just say “Nashi”?

New recruits to Nashi are given basic military training and can graduate to the black-uniformed street patrols of the Nashi Police or the fledgling Nashi Army…

That’s funny. I could have sworn you just said Russia has a rogue police force and an army of Nashis.

Nashi volunteers visited local schools to show a film titled “Lessons in Courage.” It opens with footage of a vast Nashi meeting of young people wearing identical white T shirts marked with a big red star…

So, you’re saying these Nashis, they like to have rallies wherein they all dress in identical clothing emblazoned with a large red symbol? That’s weird.

Next came shots of Putin juxtaposed with photos of a noble-looking wolf, followed by images of rats. “Putin is a lonely wolf surrounded by rats,” Panchenko told the schoolkids. “Russia has become too corrupt. It is time to change things, time for stronger leaders—like us.”

Oh, okay, never mind. I was mistaken. The Nashis aren’t scary. They’re just an obedient Army of Aryan zealots who think of themselves as exterminators and want to bring their once powerful country back to its former glory. And they think of their leader as a noble wolf. And they patrol the streets in black uniforms in search of traitors. What’s wrong with that? Sounds like a party, actually. Like one huge Nashi party.  

Nashis are web-savvy too. Last week, they got mad at Estonian officials who tore down a statue of a Soviet soldier, so in retribution, they overloaded Estonia’s computer system with billions of spam emails.

Massive onslaughts of spam brought down the Web sites of government agencies, banks and news services and paralyzed large parts of Estonia’s cyber-reliant economy. NATO sent emergency Internet security assistance to defend the embattled member state.

Wait. The UN has Internet peacekeepers?

That dude saved Darfur (in EverQuest).

$20 says the Nashis will destroy us all.

While on the set for her new movie Mad Money, actress Katie Holmes brought the entire cast and crew cupcakes as a special treat.

Word is she helped decorate them too.

I got a full-blown case of it.

 
(artist rendering)

I don’t know what triggered my fear of Danny DeVito. Maybe it was a bad drug experience in college while Get Shorty played on TBS in the background. Or the fact that he’s a troll. Who knows? All I can say is, if you brought me on Maury and tried to have me meet DDV face to face, I’d act exactly like this woman:

So scary.

(Uhm…why does that picture exist?)

Danny DeVito is a fat little gremlin. And I think it’s insane that no one else thinks it’s weird that he’s a movie star. It’s precisely that inexplicable popularity that frightens me so much. He’s a human Pug.  

So anyway, six months after making a drunken spectacle of himself on The View, and blaming it on limoncello, Danny DiVito is now launching his own brand of Limoncello.

(Each bottle is 4 inches tall.)

Really, Danny? Six months go by and now you make a novelty liqueur? If you ask me, that is simply too little too late. Way too little.

Melinda Toolittle.

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Rupert Murdoch is making a $5 Billion dollar bid to buy the Wall Street Journal. But if that happens, won’t the Journal become a conservative newspaper?

Honestly, I don’t know what the big deal is. Rupert seems like a chill dude to me.

Kathy Griffin cannot handle drinking and not driving.

At least her (haggard) vagina didn’t spill out into the frame. That’s sooo 4 months ago.

I can’t wait until that clip hits youtube, because all I have right now is this zoetrope bullshit and it is phenomenally unsatisfying.

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