Steve Harvey, the well-known radio host and original king of comedy, is sponsoring some kind of weight-loss program called the “2008 Weight-off So You Can Take Your Shirt Off Campaign.” Good for him. Obesity blows. (No homo.) However, the website he made for this weight-loss campaign is completely insane. Like, it defies words. The only way I could describe it was through the use of a venn diagram:

There’s no other way to say it.

PLEASE CLICK THIS LINK AND SEE IT FOR YOURSELF!!!

I wish someone had given me one of Big Boom’s self-help books for my birthday. Maybe “How To Mount a Marble Lion in 5 Easy Steps” or “Make Your Nipples Cross-Eyed!”

I also wish my man Hamburger Jones had taken part in the photoshoot.

This morning I got an email from one of my best friends, David, bassist of the band Via Audio. This is what it said:

“Joe- You look and act exactly like this gay kid on Project Runway,
Christian Siriano. Google that dude, you will poop…i like to get stoned and pretend the guy is you.”

Oh, in case you don’t know who Christian Siriano is, here’s a 10 minute youtube of his “fiercest” moments:

(For the record: I did not edit that video.)

Correct. I do look and act exactly like that guy. 100% (Also, using the description “that gay kid on Project Runway” is like saying “that small burrowing mammal on Meerkat Manor“.) Worst thing about that story is that David isn’t even the first person to tell me that. Nor the tenth. That was either the twelfth or thirteenth email I’ve received in the last three months notifying me of my “gay twin.”

Personally, I don’t see the resemblance at all. Some people tell me that the reason I don’t see the resemblance is because I choose not to see it. And that is entirely true. I choose not to see it. Because it’s kind of an insulting thing to tell to someone straight. I mean, I think John C. Reilly looks and acts just like Richard Simmons, but that’s totally different. Wait, no it’s not.

Friend: Oh my god, Joe, do you watch Project Runway? Because your looks and behaviors are eerily similar to those of this contestant named Christian, who is radioactively homosexual.
Me: Shut up. That’s not true at all. Shut up.
Friend: What’s wrong? Did I offend you just now?
Me: Yeah, kind of. A little bit.
Friend: How could you possibly be offended that you remind me of someone who acts like an evil gay villain on Batman: The Animated Series, terrorizing Gotham City with snide comments, fabulous hair, and witch doctor fabric shears?
Me: I don’t know. I guess I’m a little sensitive.
Friend: So is Christian Siriano! See what I mean?
Me: Stop it.

So in conclusion, what I’m saying is this: Even if you’re thinking it, just don’t tell me that I look like Christian Siriano. Please. Also, you should come see David’s band play this Sunday night at Totally JK. They are very very good.