There’s an article in the latest issue of Newsweek that I found very interesting. This was the first sentence:

Pop-trivia question: what do James van der Beek (of “Dawson’s Creek”) and Osama bin Laden have in common?

They both hate Jews?

No.

They both masterminded the 9/11 attacks?

No.

They both made cameos on Ugly Betty?

No.

In their youth, both dabbled in a cappella…The teenage bin Laden—who opposed the use of instruments—organized a group with his pals.

I did a little research and discovered that bin Laden’s a cappella group was called “In the Key of G-had.” And, to be fair, they’re not half bad. Here’s some footage I found online:

I know I keep changing my mind, but I really think I mean it this time. I’ve decided I’m voting for Tom Tancredo (R-CO) for President of the United States. Why? Because he is strong on the issues I care about.

Uhm…more like: Tancredope.as.fuck. Am I right? What a beast.

He should seriously start calling himself “The Perfect Storm” Tancredo. Dude is the ideal candidate. Not only is he drop dead gorge, but also intimidatingly intelligent. He seems to know exactly what real Americans worry about. I mean, look at the latest authentic news poll I found:

PS: (R-CO) = (Retarded-Cookoo)

Last night, during a concert in Boulder, Colorado, singer Annie Lennox panicked and rushed off-stage after seeing a man in the audience wearing a gas-mask and black cape.

“A fellow who was dressed in a black cape, platform boots and a gas mask approached the stage. Lennox saw him coming and threw down her microphone and went backstage.”

Wow. That’s so creepy. Seriously. There’s probably nothing in the entire world scarier than a weirdo in gas-mask.

Oh, wait…Annie Lennox. Annie Lennox is much, much scarier than a weirdo in a gas-mask.

What a freak.

BTW, here’s my recipe for homemade Annie Lennox:

2 cups lesbian vampire
1 cup Darfur refugee (bleached)
3/4 cup french prostitute
1/2 cup nursing home grandmother
1/2 cup David Bowie
10 shredded carrots
4 bats (or 6 dried bats)
1 VHS cassette Rosemary’s Baby
2 tbsp. velociraptor
2 Rubik’s cubes
1 Zorro mask
1 leather sex whip
1 bay leaf
salt and pepper (to taste)

Combine ingredients in a food processor, 8-10 pulses. Add mixture into a Crock Pot with 3 cups of water. Turn on and leave stewing in a dark cave for 100 years.  

After the jump, see a picture of Annie Lennox taken immediately after she ate comedian Dave Chappelle…

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Did you read/hear/barf about the French woman who received the world’s first partial face transplant? Seriously. A face transplant.

Basically, what happened was this French woman was sleeping when, all of the sudden, she woke up and discovered her dog had eaten most of her face/off. Doctors quickly replaced her face with Nicolas Cage’s face. She was then sent to giant magnetic prison in the middle of the ocean.

This is what The Guardian says happened:

After a bad week, the seamstress had taken a large dose of sleeping pills “to forget”.

Wait, stop right there. To forget? This is already an amazing story.

Reporter: So, how’d you lose your face?
No-face Lady: Well, it all started when I took a large dose of sleeping pills.
Reporter: And what was your reason for taking such a large dose of sleeping pills? 
No-face Lady: Oh, you know. “To forget.”

I could seriously walk away from this story right here and be totally satisfied. But, no. The story only gets better (not better).

She woke on her sofa and tried to light a cigarette, and then noticed blood and the presence of her dog beside her. Looking in the mirror, she discovered her terrible injuries. 

AAAAAAAAHHHH! She didn’t know she didn’t have a face until she tried to light a cigarette? What clued her in exactly? The not having lips part? Jesus. I bet she hates that dog.

She said she had “no hatred” for her labrador-cross Tanya, who she felt had been trying to save her.

Correct. I just looked up the word “save” in a dog dictionary:

save: /seɪv/
–verb (used with object)

1.to rescue from danger or possible harm, injury, or loss
2. to keep safe, intact, or unhurt
3. to rip off and eat a human’s face
4. to avoid the spending, consumption, or waste of bones

Anyway, she got a donor face and the rest is medical history:

BTW, the donor face came from a woman who killed herself. So…therefore…I can’t handle reading science news anymore.

All things considered, you have to admit she looks great (”great” means “permanently photoshopped,” right?). Although, I think it was pretty rude of the surgeons to graft a voice bubble like that, dontchya think? (JK, you guys! I did that part myself! [COMEDY!])

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I just got an orange juice at the nearby deli and happened to overhear this conversation between the two Chinese women working the cash registers.

Chinese Woman #1: Why it’s so slow today?

Chinese Woman #2: Today is Jew Day in America.

(Chinese Woman #1 then covered her mouth and giggled for 15 seconds.)

I’m seriously considering cancelling my cable subscription and spending $120 a month exclusively on whippits, because I’m pretty sure the net brain cell loss would be about the same. If not less.

I say this because last night was the premiere of MTV’s new show “Celebrity Rap Superstar.” The show is superb and probably my new favorite, but I’m pretty sure I forgot at least 8 state capitals just by watching it. The premise is simple: celebrities (a gossip blogger, Kevin Federline’s black ex-girlfriend, a retired football player, etc.) perform rap-karaoke with the help and guidance of their very own washed up rap superstar mentor. In other words, it’s all you could ever want or need from a television show.

There were two performances in particular that were utterly mind-blowing. The first was when Jason Wahler from Laguna Beachhad a full-blown PLIPPS attack while performing his rendition of the hip-hop classic “Ridin’” by Chamillionaire.

I think the problem was Jason Wahler thought he was cast for a show called “Celebrity Act Like an Out of Touch Camp Counselor Superstar.” Because, in that case, he nailed it.

By the way, Da Brat is a ZING MACHINE. (That’s a term I use for “stoned lesbian.”)

Here’s Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite doing a 50 Cent song:

It might have sounded really bad, but that’s only because this was the lyric sheet they gave him:

“In Da Club”
by: Fiddy Cent (not Fifty Cents)

You can find me in the club, body full of bub.
Mama, I got what you need if you need to feel a buzz.
I’m into having sex, not into making love.
So come give me a hug if you’re into ruh-muh-a-ruh.
If I pull up on funny, you see the bend on dup.
If I row twenty deep, it’s always jumping in the club.
When I roll with Dre, everybody show me love.
When I throw Eminem, you better ehhhhhm’love.
Zuh-muh-nuh-ma-nuh, … Jesus.

(Stop and squint eyes.)

If I got Shamu: L, M, N, O, Pimp.
Eh-guh…ha-choo, ch…guh…hassah hit.
If….ung-uh in LA, esta 50 is hot.
If I like me and I love me, but they love pot.
But holla in New York and Joe tell me I’m loco.
But holla in New York…en-summa-nuh choke-oh.

The voters should at least take that into consideration. Also, the fact that he seems to be a mentally retarded foreign person.

Prediction: This contest is Sebastian Bach’s to lose. He pwned it.

Grab those surgical masks, people!

Beckham Fever! It’s like S.A.R.S., only way less interesting!

“Just naked-fart it out, bro. You’ll be fine.”

I looked Beckham Fever up on WebMD, and it’s not pretty. The symptoms include: a high-pitched voice, gay haircuts, and a robot wife.

It’s important to get tested regularly for Beckham Fever because, if left untreated, you could make a billion dollars and be the most famous person on Earth.

Not without steroids or a rape allegation, he won’t. This is AMERICA.

Michael Bay’s Transformers made like a billion dollars over the Fourth of July holiday. $80.50 of those dollars belonged to me. Look:

“7 Adult Tickets to: Transformers (PG-13).” That’s basically where my life is right now.

I’ve been waiting for a live-action Transformers movie for over 20 years, and I say that truthfully. I haven’t been this excited for a movie since Michael Crichton’s Congo in 1995. (Also true.)

All I have to say about Transformers is: I’m going to have to see at least eight more times. Not only because it was amazing, but because it was also quite possibly the most confusing film I’ve ever seen. It was so fast and so loud, I had very little idea what was going on. It was like a car wreck, only it lasted longer than two hours, and the cars were also 60-foot robots. 

Within the first ten minutes of the movie, the setting changed from outer space, to Qatar, to the North Pole a hundred years ago, to Bernie Mac’s used car lot. It was simply too much to comprehend. I made a list of things I think I understood. These twelve things constitute all I was able to process after one viewing:

TWELVE OBSERVATIONS ABOUT TRANSFORMERS:

1. Transformers was the best movie I’ve ever seen in my life.

2. Transformers was the most retarded movie I’ve ever seen in my life. (I mean “retarded” not in a colloquial sense, but in a retarded-people sense.)

3. If you didn’t already know, Transformers are an advanced and ancient species of alien cyborgs who speak English and all turn into General Motors vehicles. They are divided into good robots (Autobots) and some are bad robots (Decepticons).

4. All Autobots understand the importance of good, old-fashioned physical comedy.

5. You know when a police car is really a Decepticon in disguise when the decal on its rear door says “To Punish and Enslave” instead of “To Protect and Serve.” Sort of a dead giveaway, if you ask me.

6. One Autobot is named “Jazz.” He’s the “Black” one. He loves to break dance, lacks a certain amount of empathy, and turns into a Pontiac Solstice. (Minor quibble: wouldn’t a real Black robot turn into a Cadillac? Or at least a GMC Yukon? I watch The Wire, I know what’s up.) Jazz was voiced by veteran actor Darius McCrary, better known to many as Eddie Winslow. So tight.

7. Jazz is also the only Autobot to die. Obviously. This raises an interesting question: Is Jazz’s death yet another example of a predictable Hollywood stereotype, or are you crazy to think it’s racist when an alien Pontiac dies in battle?

8. There will be an applause break in the theater when Bumblebee transforms from a rusty old hoopty into a 2008 Chevrolet Camaro. The cheering will not be sarcastic.

9. Because they’re machines, Transformers don’t produce bodily waste. However, they will totally piss on your head for the sake of comic relief (see #4). 

10. Remember when girls in high school looked like this?

11. The words “Put that cube in my chest!” only get funnier the more times they’re uttered.

12. The movie ends with what looks like the beginning of a human/car/robot orgy. Leaving room for a very exciting, and erotic, sequel.

Needless to say, I give it 5/5 stars CARS!

During a speech given this morning, President Bush said this:

“In Russia, reforms that once promised to empower citizens have been derailed, with troubling implications for democratic development.”

I’m sorry Mr. President, but having you act like a spokesperson for democratic development is like having R. Kelly write a tribute song for the Virginia Tech shooting victims. 

Eat it, Bush.

He won’t eat Skittles, either. Racist.

In other news, Taliban leader Haji Mansour Dadullah tells Al-Jazeera he has proof Osama Bin Laden is alive. The proof, he says, is in the form of a condolence letter he received from Bin Laden shortly after his brother, Mullah Dadullah, died in May.

This is the letter, with the official CIA-vetted translation in red.  (click to enlarge)

Some people are freaking out over the news that Russia tested a new ICBM missile yesterday. The missile is said to be capable of piercing the US missile defense system. The concern is this might start an arms race between the two countries and blah blah blah World War 3.

Honestly, an arms race with Russia doesn’t scare me. We all know how the last one went down.

When it comes to things about Russia that scare me, I’d have to go with the article in last week’s Newsweek about Vladimir Putin’s growing army of brainwashed militants.

The Kremlin has rolled out its newest weapon in the drive to reclaim Russia’s bygone regional dominance: a shadowy youth movement known as Nashi…

I’m sorry? Did you just say “Nashi”?

New recruits to Nashi are given basic military training and can graduate to the black-uniformed street patrols of the Nashi Police or the fledgling Nashi Army…

That’s funny. I could have sworn you just said Russia has a rogue police force and an army of Nashis.

Nashi volunteers visited local schools to show a film titled “Lessons in Courage.” It opens with footage of a vast Nashi meeting of young people wearing identical white T shirts marked with a big red star…

So, you’re saying these Nashis, they like to have rallies wherein they all dress in identical clothing emblazoned with a large red symbol? That’s weird.

Next came shots of Putin juxtaposed with photos of a noble-looking wolf, followed by images of rats. “Putin is a lonely wolf surrounded by rats,” Panchenko told the schoolkids. “Russia has become too corrupt. It is time to change things, time for stronger leaders—like us.”

Oh, okay, never mind. I was mistaken. The Nashis aren’t scary. They’re just an obedient Army of Aryan zealots who think of themselves as exterminators and want to bring their once powerful country back to its former glory. And they think of their leader as a noble wolf. And they patrol the streets in black uniforms in search of traitors. What’s wrong with that? Sounds like a party, actually. Like one huge Nashi party.  

Nashis are web-savvy too. Last week, they got mad at Estonian officials who tore down a statue of a Soviet soldier, so in retribution, they overloaded Estonia’s computer system with billions of spam emails.

Massive onslaughts of spam brought down the Web sites of government agencies, banks and news services and paralyzed large parts of Estonia’s cyber-reliant economy. NATO sent emergency Internet security assistance to defend the embattled member state.

Wait. The UN has Internet peacekeepers?

That dude saved Darfur (in EverQuest).

$20 says the Nashis will destroy us all.