When it comes to people constantly dissing France, I’d have to agree with Bill Maher:

But sometimes France actually deserves it.

Like when they give Nick Cannon the “Breakthrough Actor” award at the Cannes Film Festival. You know, for his powerful and memorable portrayal of some black dude in the powerful and memorable Emilio Estevez biopic Bobby. Remember that? When Nick Cannon totally broke through after that movie Bobby came out? Everyone was talking about it.

Nick Cannon? France, seriously, this is inexcusable. Even in a country full of pompous, frog-eating, chain-smoking cowards who take aspirin with their butt holes, this shouldn’t happen.

Don’t they have IMDB in France? Don’t they know Nick Cannon has already had a handful of breakthrough performances? Who could forget Roll Bounce? How about Drumline, people? Or his masterful voice work in 2004’s animated hit Garfield? Not to mention how he’s earned the title “the new king of improv.”

Every single day, I look up to the sky and thank God that Nick Cannon wasn’t aborted. Because, if his mother was French, he so would have been RU486′ed. No question.

This is Nick Cannon’s entire bio on Wikipedia:

They forgot “France thinks he’s amazing.”

Fantastique!

A 77 year-old grandmother in China finally went to a doctor last week, after spending the last 63 years with a nagging headache.

So, she goes to the hospital, and…

Doctors sent the woman for an x-ray to find out the cause and were amazed to find…a rusty bullet lodged in her brain.

[She] recalled she was shot in 1943 during World War Two by the invading Japanese army.

The war wound was forgotten until surgeons plucked the rusty bullet from her skull.

The black stuff is rust. Iron oxide-hydroxide. From the antique bullet lodged in her brain. 

I now bring you:

Part 1: The Apartment

“Someone help me. Please. My head hurts so much.”
“Where does it hurt, Grandma?”
“Right about where the bullet hole in my head is.”
“Seriously, maybe you should go to the doc–”
“As I’ve told you for 63 years, I’m not going to the doctor. This pain isn’t anything that a little rhino horn or shark penis can’t fix.”
“Get in the car, Grandma.”
“Car?”

Part 2: The Hospital

“Mrs. Guangying. Before I begin your examination, I just need to know a few things.”
“OK.”
“Do you have any family history of heart disease or stroke?”
“No.”
“How about high cholesterol?”
“No.”
“Any allergies at all?”
“No.”
“Do you have a hard time sleeping at night?”
“A little.”
“Have you ever been…shot in the head?”
“Only once. But that was years ago.”

The End.

Here’s her son:

OMG! Fort Dix was almost attacked! 

Six alleged terrorists were arrested last night for their plot to infiltrate and attack Fort Dix.

Seriously how scary is that? Terrorists! In America! Trying to blow up our Dix! Why haven’t the terror alert colors changed? What’s going on?

The six are from the former Yugoslavia…

…they trained in the Poconos Mountains…

…they played paintball…

…the individuals are “hardly hard core terrorists,” one law enforcement source said….

…”not the type that made the hair on the back of your neck stand up.”

Wait. Are you kidding me? Nerd terrorists? Like, an actual revenge of the nerds?

That makes this dude America. (Which I guess he sort of is, foreign policy-wise.) 

I seriously can’t wait to see the mugshots. $20 says one of them is wearing a Vote For Pedro shirt.

At least 50% of their TiVo is G4 programming.

One of the sources said there is a video and an audiotape of the planning.

The video:

The audiotape:

(All midi files of TV theme songs.)

Hugh Grant has gone off the deep end!

From BBC.com:

Hugh Grant has been arrested over an allegation he attacked a photographer in London, before throwing a tub of food at him.

Wait. A tub??! Of…food?!!?

Does that mean something in England? Because, to me, both of those things are very general terms that mean almost nothing when put together.

Are people in England just eating their breakfast, reading the newspaper, and suddenly like:

“Gee willickers! Did you read the article about Hugh Grant, my Love? He’s a complete loon, that one. He accosted a paparazzo with food!”
“You don’t say! How much food exactly?”
“The reporter claims at least a tub was thrown.”
“A tub? A full tub? Goodness, I hope he was arrested.”
“He certainly was.”
“Splendid. Rightly so. Tubs of food are not to be thrown, for they are stationary tubs.”
“Here, here! Well said. Well said, indeed.” 

Here are some pictures of the incident. (NSFW 4 Brutal Violence)

“Eat this, motherfucker!…No, seriously. Eat it. It’s food. It’s a tub of food.”

Holy shit! Is that guy okay? He came within a yard of being kicked! And those look like steel-toe New Balances.

(Just look how lame a country is when it has gun control.)

For reezies though, Hugh Grant looks like a maniac. This reminds me of that time when he got caught trying to fuck a black tranny prostitute…only crazier!