This guy should have been John McCain’s VP choice (as well as my grandfather):

(Double click box below.)

My favorite thing about the video is that poor Ed knows nothing about cum. And no one on the set had the heart to tell him.

Dream ticket:

So, the other night I was watching this youtube of Keith Olbermann ranting about Hillary Clinton:

And, like an idiot, I totally left my webcam on:

(Big ups to Friend #3116)

Apparently the Lil Wayne and Zac Efron story is a fake, thus making Exhibit B in my “Lil Wayne v. Sanity” case unusable. Faulty evidence. I’m a little embarrassed that I fell for it, actually. It was obviously overdone, but I wanted it to be true so badly that I rushed to judgment. I should have known better. (But, in my defense, it wasn’t THAT hard to believe, considering the dude has a real life man crush on Robin Thicke.)

After some long self-flagellation/deliberation I decided not to erase yesterday’s post, because I still think my one-act play should be made.

My deepest apologies.

PS:

PPS:

If you don’t mind, I’d like to quickly go back to last week’s “Is Lil Wayne crazy?” debate, because more evidence has come to life (in the affirmative). If for some reason you weren’t satisfyingly convinced the first time around, I would like to submit this for your consideration. Apparently, Lil Wayne is collaborating with Zac Efron on the next High School Musical CD. Lil Wayne. Zac Efron. Disney’s High School Musical.

I highly recommend reading the entire article. But, for those of you who don’t want to read another entire Lil Wayne interview, how about I just turn it into an original one-act play? (Note: All things in BOLD are taken directly out of the interview.)

“Zac n’ Weezy: A Love Story”
By Joe Mande

Curtains open.

Lil Wayne sits upon a golden toilet, in a large, Scarface-inspired restroom, admiring the prominent nude sculpture of himself across the room. He lifts his pants up and walks towards the sink. A tuxedo-clad bathroom attendant flushes the toilet and scampers back just in time to pump soap in to outstretched hands of Lil Wayne.

LIL WAYNE: You like that sculpture over there?

ATTENDANT: Why, yes I do. What is it, exactly? A Jamaican gremlin?

LIL WAYNE: It’s a sculpture of me you penguin-lookin’ mothafucka.

ATTENDANT: My deepest apologies. I should have known. Would you like some Juicy Fruit gum, sir?

LIL WAYNE: That’s what I pay you for, you stupid ass bitch!

ATTENDANT: Ah, yes indeed. Here you are.

Lil Wayne opens his mouth, taking his Juicy Fruit like a communion wafer.

LIL WAYNE: Nice tuxedo. Suck my dick, penguin. No homo.

Lil Wayne makes his way to the recording studio, where he begins rolling a joint the size of an infant’s arm.

LIL WAYNE: I’m so glad I started making music for white people.

Zac Efron enters, gliding into the room on Heelys.

ZAC EFRON: What’s up my nigga?

Lil Wayne gets up and kisses Zac Efron on the mouth

LIL WAYNE: What’s crackin’, my brother from another mother?

ZAC EFRON: Brother from another mother? You said the same exact thing in San Fransisco, when you followed me into the bathroom at that comic book convention after party.

LIL WAYNE: Yo! You look cute, dawg. Hows about we go record more songs for this High School Musical bullshit.

ZAC EFRON: Sounds dope to me!

Zach Efron enters the booth and puts the headphones on. He begins singing, but Lil Wayne quickly cuts him off.

LIL WAYNE: The acoustics ain’t right. Take your pants off.

ZAC EFRON: If you say so, Weezy.

Zac Efron takes his pants off.

ZAC EFRON (singing): Everybody, all for one! A real summer has just begun! Let’s rock and roll and just let go! Feel the rhythm of the drums! We’re gonna have fun in the sun!

Lil Wayne enters the booth, naked and erect. He begins rapping.

LIL WAYNE (rapping): I’m a dog, you’re all a bunch of fleas on my dick. Driving a Jag, er, like my name was Mick. I’m so sour like cream with chives, and my sperm will make your face break out in hives.

A white screen descends upon the stage. Lil Wayne and Zac Efron make passionate gay love, their shadows projecting onto the screen like Chinese shadow theater. Lights down.

Lights up. The white screen is lifted. We find Lil Wayne and Zac Efron cuddling under a mink coat adorned with patches of all 30 NBA teams.

ZAC EFRON: Man, that was fun. Do you have anything else you’re working on.

LIL WAYNE: Oh, you know, I just did songs with Mannheim Steamroller, something for the new Raffi album, and 16 bars in Spanish on Ricky Martin’s new one.

ZAC EFRON: Wow. Don’t you ever get tired of your schedule?

LIL WAYNE: Hell, no! This is how I live! I get up in the morning, get my dick sucked four times, drink a Molson’s, and then hang out with you, Zac Efron.

ZAC EFRON: Word.

Curtains close. THE END.

For the past few months, I’ve been getting free issues of Complex Magazine in the mail. I have no idea why or how they started showing up, but I know for a fact I’m not paying for them. So weird. The first time it came, I actually tried reading it while I was on the toilet. But I had to stop because it made me so stupid I forgot how to poop. Since then, I’ve promptly thrown the magazine in the garbage as soon as I took it out of my mailbox. The end.

…or is it?

When I got the December/January issue yesterday, something about the cover story intrigued me…

Hmmm…let’s see…is Lil’ Wayne crazy? I don’t know. But, considering your pull quote is “I’m a Martian, and if you understand me then you’re Jesus Christ,” I’m going to go ahead and say YES. Yes, Lil Wayne is crazy.

Want more proof? Read the following quotes from Lil’ Wayne’s retarded extensive interview with Complex Magazine (note: they’re unbelievable):

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Lil Wayne’s next album doesn’t drop until at least next February, yet that hasn’t stopped the album art from already leaking out onto the internet. And from the looks of it, it’s going to be his gayest album yet.

“ONLEE DA TRU THUGZ WERR MAIKUP.”

PLEASE GOD LET THIS BECOME A TREND.

Swish. Count it.

Eek? Whatevs. I don’t care, he’s still my #1 friend crush.

I saw the most amazing person in New York City on the subway today. I stared at him for a good half hour, absorbing every detail. I can’t even describe it, other than it was like seeing a unicorn. Only way gayer and more magical.

Has anyone else seen this man? I need to know what his deal is. Please?

(Note: I seriously need a camera phone.)

1: Severely crossed eyes.
2: Real mustache.
3: Fake, painted-on handlebar mustache.
4: Silly glasses.
5: Sam Cassell head.
6: Eyeliner.
7: Black spandex top (possibly a unitard).
8: Pleated women’s fat pants.
9: Miniature briefcase.
10: Homemade belt made of purple streamers.
11: Military boots.
12: Clipped-on cell phone (attached to purple streamer belt).
13: Four extra-fine Sharpie markers (blue).
14: Giant red leather wristwatch.

Sometimes, when it’s gross and rainy outside, I search for an up-tempo and inspirational youtube to help get me through the day. Today I think I hit the jackpot.

Wow. So good. Like, SOOOOOO good. I can’t handle how good it is. Seriously, 2:52-2:56 of that video rivals Little Superstar’s 0:36-0:41 for the funniest thing I’ve seen on the internets. Uhm, her face?

By a show of hands, who thought Evelyn Thomas was full-blown retarded?

Can we make this the new internet sensation? Please? God?

(Also, 1:33-1:40 and 2:03-2:04.)

After listening to this song endlessly on repeat for the past two weeks or so, I still can’t tell if I think it’s the best or worst thing ever:

I’d go see that. Broadway needs an all-Beatles mash-up musical. And Lil Wayne is just the man ambitious (stoned) enough to do it.

PS- I didn’t know what to name this post. Here’s a list of others I had in mind:

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So, after six and a half days, Transformers made $152.6 Million dollars. Thus making it the best and most important film ever made.

Ask anyone, I predicted Shia LaBeouf’s star power way back in his Even Stevens days. And, yes, I still plan on becoming best friends with him.

Can I just say that he and Anthony Anderson are the Wilder/Pryor of the 21st centch?

I’ve already called dibs on the screenplay rights, so don’t even try it.