Because it’s too funny.

I’m doing my show, Workdays with Maury, this Friday at UCB Theater. Joining me this time will be the amazing Chris Gethard and the wonderful Chelsea Peretti.

Ticket reservations can be made here: http://newyork.ucbtheatre.com/reservations/create/12698

My friend Kyle Weber made this. It’s retarded.

See them tonight at Totally JK!

8pm SHARP!

Before I begin, I’d like to first thank all my devoted friends who came to both of my shows last night. I didn’t think anyone would actually do that. The only person I ever paid money to see twice in one day was Jackie Chan, the day Shanghai Noon came out. (Ah, to be seventeen again.)

Today, in honor of these wonderful people, I will be posting not one, but TWO youtubes.

Here’s last week’s Andy Rooney game:

And here’s Rabbi Mordechai Friedman getting so upset about the Pope that he does a comical spit-take:

If you are within 1000 miles of New York City, you should probably come to this:

So, last week we had a show that included Todd Barry, Leo Allen, Heather Lawless, Kevin Allison, and a surprise drop-in by Arj Barker. Yet, despite this stellar lineup, our crowd was embarrassingly small. (Embarrassing for you.) In fact, I was so upset by the turnout, I told Noah I was going right home to Heaven’s Gate myself. And I meant it–I own the black and white Nikes to do it. Luckily, Noah talked me down and, instead, we decided to book another amazing show for tonight. Check it out:

I don’t care how cold and windy it is, we expect you all to come.

As some of you may know, I haven’t been online a lot recently because I’m currently on the road with fellow comedian John Mulaney. We’re performing at a bunch of Midwestern colleges; places like St. Joseph’s College in beautiful downtown Rensselaer, Indiana (funny aside: didja know “Rensselaer” is the German word for “methlab?”). But I have to admit, The Road is fucking hard, you guys. It’s seriously so cold outside. Like, it hasn’t gotten above single digits. Plus, everything is covered in ash and all we have to eat is canned peaches. John has done a great job this trip keeping my spirits up while he struggles to push our grocery cart through the muck towards the sea, but sometimes in the mornings I hear him coughing up blood, and it makes me scared. I can’t face these cannibals by myself.

JK! It’s been a lot fun. For me, the highlight of the trip thus far was two nights ago, when we walked into North Central College’s Student Activities Center in Napersville, Illinois. The doors of the facility were decorated with drawings celebrating Martin Luther King Jr’s “I Have A Dream” speech. Adorably racist drawings. It said they were made by third graders asked to summarize MLK’s famous “I Have a Dream” speech, but a part of me thinks that maybe they were actually done by the students of NCC. We’ll never know for sure. No matter what, Dr. King’s dream will live on through these pictures, dissolving in and out as my computer’s screen saver until the end of time.

What’s up, indeed.

Well, no one likes sitting in the back of a roller coaster.

His real dream is white superman? What? Was he having a nightmare?

I don’t think he saw the world in terms of olives OR anchovies. I think MLK saw the world as one big, delicious supreme pizza.

Kids draw the darndest things. (Darndest means insensitive, right? For reals though, how the fuck did those pictures make it out of a classroom? Who is teaching American History to these little monsters, and is like “Olives or Anchovies? That’s an interesting interpretation, Bobby. Very good! I’m sending that one over to the college.” A Nazi-lady, that’s who.)

PS: If you’re in New York, you should go to this tonight. It’s our one-year anniversary.