To my friends and family:

Before I say anything else, I just want tell you all that I love you. Or, rather, I loved you. So much. This wasn’t anyone’s fault but my own. You’ve meant the world to me. Everything I was was because of you. I’ll cherish each and every moment I spent with you, the good times and the bad, for all of eternity.

Unfortunately, the time has come for me to say goodbye. I’m sorry it had to end like this. Please try to understand. I’ve tried so hard. So hard pretending to be something I’m not. Almost an entire year, living a lie. Living in agony. Fighting the urges. Ignoring the voice in my head that kept yelling, “DO IT, JOE! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO! JUST DO IT AND GET IT OVER WITH!”

I tried to be strong, but I guess I wasn’t quite strong enough.

The urge overtook me. I lost control. And now I’ll never see any of you again.

Last night, I bought a Nintendo Wii from the Toys R Us on Broadway. It’s everything I dreamed it would be. But, because no one ever wants to come to Queens, and I don’t plan on ever leaving my apartment again, I guess this means goodbye. It was a pleasure having known all of you. I’ll always love you. I couldn’t go on living a lie. This was how it had to end. I wish you all long and happy lives. And even though I won’t be here with you anymore in person, just remember that I’m in a happier place now (and that place is Super Mario Galaxy).

I’m so sorry. Wii is so tight.

Yours in spirit,

Joe

PS: I named my console “Joe Mandwii,” so I should probz go ahead and kill myself for realsies.

Tonight at Rififi, Noah Garfinkel and I bring to a very exciting edition of Totally JK. We have some very good and talented friends stopping by, including a few FancyPants college buddies. Shit’s funna get ridiculous.

(After that, come to Cavalcade at UCB Theater @ 11pm.)

This is the audition tape Noah and I made for the upcoming Notorious B.I.G. movie. I think we have a shot (bad choice of words)…(because he was shot to death, dontchyaknow?!)

You should go to www.foxsearchlight.com/notorious if you want to LOL (laugh out loud) and FUI (feel uncomfortable inside).

Also, if you try to Google Image Search the words “B.I.G. R.I.P.” this is the first thing that comes up:

B.I.G. R.I.P. = Space Vagina!!!!

(more…)

Wow. Ok. So, last night’s show was insane. Thanks so much to everyone who came out. “Magical” is the only word to describe what happened. Lives were changed.

If you missed the show, please let me first tell you how sorry I am that your parents died (for that’s the only reason I can think of for not coming). Here’s a short re-cap: Noah and I showed our audition tape for the upcoming Notorious B.I.G. movie, Gabe and Jenny told a hilarious haunted Hollywood Halloween tale, Max Silvestri wined n’ dined the crowd with his patented jokes n’ quips^tm, and, as always, Greg Johnson crushed. Oh, also, Brett Gelman put on the single most amazing performance done by any human being on any stage anywhere. (No hyperbole.) The man got a standing ovation. At Rififi.

I recorded Brett’s performance with my iPod. You know, just for myself to have and hold and cherish. I listened to the mp3 on the train this morning, and, despite the fact that the sound quality is quite terrible, it still made me snarf coffee all over myself twice. Because of this, I have decided to share the 1000 Cats mp3 with the rest of the world. No matter how shitty it sounds.

Obviously, the grainy, cavernous audio doesn’t do 1000 Cats justice at all. Not even 1/1000^th of 1% of its justice. But, it’s the best I can do…and apparently the best that you could do too.

So, here. Enjoy.

You’re welcome.

Tonight Totally JK brings you Brett Gelman’s one-man musical masterpiece “1000 Cats.” In it’s entirety. That’s 30 minutes of pure, unadulterated genius. It’s without a doubt the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. Plus Greg Johnson (G.O.A.T.), Gabe and Jenny, and MaxSilvestri.com! AAAH! I can’t wait. I’m more excited about tonight’s show than the Red Sox winning the world series last night (and that made me so excited, you guys).

Seriously. It’s going to be so fucking good.

Get there at 8!

Dear Mom and Dad,

I’m doing a show tonight in the city where lawyers get fired for having A.I.D.S. of brotherly love. Since that’s where you live, I’m sure I’ll see you there. Please sit as far in the back as possible. Thank you.

Love,
Joe

Here is all the information:

(Still)Born in the USA Comedy Tour
Tuesday, October 9th, 2007
Philadelphia, PA
The Khyber Bar: 56 S. Second Street 
8 PM - $8

with: Jonah Ray (Human Giant and The Sarah Silverman Program)
Sean O’Connor
Nick Maritato
Andrew Wright
Chris McDevitt
w/ guests
Your son: Joe Mande, His friend who came to Passover: Noah Garfinkel, Kent Haines, Jimmie Allinder and Wrestling Team