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Who needs waterboarding when all you need are pastels?
That video was so funny to me, I couldn’t help but use it as fodder for my latest project, a comic strip called “Jailthyme.”
This was yesterday’s:
Happy br’08, everyone. Hope you all had a pleasant and familial holiday season, full of joy and life lessons. Myself, I learned that baby-back ribs do NOT work as a New Year’s hangover remedy. (You just compound your headache with so much diarrhea.)
We’re three days into ‘08 already, and I’m happy to say that I’m staying good on my New Years resolutions, which were:
1. Never leave my apartment, no matter what.
2. Get so fat and also sad.
3. Get real-life gang members to leave comments on my blog.
4. Consider becoming a Hispanic person.
So far so good. A result of resolutions #1 and #2, I’m back to my old habit of watching a lot of Maury. And, as a result of watching a lot of Maury, I was introduced to–and soon fell in love with–an enormous black woman named Yolanda. I don’t want to give anything away, but just know that Yolanda is the new Monique.
It’s one thing to go on Maury. It’s an entirely different thing to go on Maury and test out your stand-up routine. (The best part is when Tahrey goes, “That was funny. That was funny. I’ll give you that.”)
Also, this commercial is on all the time and it’s great and I think I’m Hispanic now?
Please, please, please, pleeeeeease keep writing comments on my blog!!!!
tHAAt wUZ DA bezT HanOOKkaAh PREzZant (that wasn’t a video game system) EyE’ve EhVR GahTTEnn.
Thank you so much.
Love,
Joe
I know I keep changing my mind, but I really think I mean it this time. I’ve decided I’m voting for Tom Tancredo (R-CO) for President of the United States. Why? Because he is strong on the issues I care about.
Uhm…more like: Tancredope.as.fuck. Am I right? What a beast.
He should seriously start calling himself “The Perfect Storm” Tancredo. Dude is the ideal candidate. Not only is he drop dead gorge, but also intimidatingly intelligent. He seems to know exactly what real Americans worry about. I mean, look at the latest authentic news poll I found:
PS: (R-CO) = (Retarded-Cookoo)
Bear’s a fake!??!!?! This can’t be true!
Seriously, I feel like crying. Between this and the possibility that Lil’ Wayne might face years behind bars for some lame-ass gun charge, today has been like a mini-Kristallnacht for me.
By the way, until Bear’s been proven innocent of these slanderous charges, I’m moving Man vs. Wild down to second place on my list of favorite TV shows, thus giving The Wire the number one spot. (I have a dream where these two shows somehow intertwine and Bear has to find his way safely out of West Baltimore using only a water bottle, a flint, and his knowledge of the crack game. I’d call it: Man vs. Wild N’ Out.)
I’m not normally a gossip, but I have some very juicy inside-info about a new HOLLYWOOD POWER COUPLE!
My sources* tell me that skanktress Lindsey Lohan is bedding the best rapper alive, Lil’ Wayne!
Move over, TomKat and Brangelina! It’s Lindl’ Wayhan! It’s a match made in heaven prison.
My sources* tell me that this relationship is the real deal, people. They are totes goo-goo-ga-ga for each other. And when they’re apart, they go so far as to coordinate their felony arrests! How romantic is that? Like, last night Lindsay got busted for drunk driving and cocaine possession in Santa Monica while Lil’ Wayne getting charged for gun possession in New York City. TOO CUTE!
A Santa Monica Police representative said that ”Lindsay looks really happy,” and “Cocaine was found in her pants pocket.”
Meanwhile, an NYPD officer told me privately that, ”Lil’ Wayne wants to marry that girl,” and “Another person, so far uncharged, stuffed 7 pounds of marijuana down the tour bus’ toilet as officers approached.”
Are those wedding bells I hear? No, wait, sorry. Those are sirens.
(Thanks to Greg Johnson for the Drudge sirens.)
Besides substance abuse problems, they both have daddy issues too!
For real, though, please let me know if/when ”FREE WEEZY” t-shirts become available on-line, because I’m going to want to order at least ten of them.
*= wishful imagination
I. Lewis Scooter Libby was granted clemency by President Bush yesterday, thus insuring that the former chief of staff to the Vice President will not have to serve any of his 30 month prison sentence for perjury and obstruction of justice in the CIA leak investigation.
A lot of people are upset about this, especially the Democratic presidential candidates.
“This is exactly the kind of politics we must change so we can begin restoring the American people’s faith in a government.” - Barack Obama
“The cause of equal justice in America took a serious blow today.” - John Edwards
“Today’s decision is yet another example that this Administration simply considers itself above the law.” - Hillary Clinton
“This coffee made me farty! (followed by 40 seconds of growling)” - Mike Gravel
Part of me feels this is a miscarriage of justice. One of many this administration has perpetrated since stealing the election in 2000. However, I have to admit it’s comforting to know that in America, if sleazy Jew makes enough friends, he won’t ever have to spend a day in prison. That’s all someone like me can hope for.
Oh, and speaking of gang signs…
When I was in High School in Minnesota, there were a bunch of rival gangs. My favorite was by far the Gangster Disciples (G.D.s for short) because this was their gang sign:
Seriously. A Star of David…with pitchforks coming out of it.
Every bathroom stall at my school looked like this:
It was literally the only place in the world where you’d catch yourself wondering, “Hmmm…I wonder who did that graffiti? A real-life gang member or an artistic Jew?”
The best part about it was that all the G.D. gang members wore big Jewish Stars around their necks. Proudly. It was amazing. Baggy clothes, neck tattoos, and a Star of David swinging from their chains. I don’t know how many Judaica stores those dudes robbed, but they were decked out in some of the finest temple gift shop items money could buy. (Or not buy, obvz.)
Wait, no. I take that back. The best part was definitely the behavior of rival gangs. Because the rival gangs only knew Stars of David in the context of gang warfare. So, for a while, little Jewish kids all over the Twin Cities kept getting beaten up because retarded gang members were mistaking them for G.D.’s.
Believe me, that was a scary time in my life. Most the kids I knew traded in their stars for chais. Nothing was more frightening to me than the thought of being mistaken for a G.D.
“Hey! You a G.D., nigga? I’mma fuck you up!”
“Someone cap dat G.D. before he gets into orbit!”
“Yo! Fuck that cat up! He a G.D.!”
“Why the G.D.’s always gotta have the best Air Force in the world, son?”
Citgo’s new ad campaign is so Roc La Familia.
Flagrant plagiarism. Jay-Z should sue Citgo for infringement. Just like last year, when former pro wrestler Diamond Dallas Page sued Jay-Z over the hand sign.
DDP: the originator, none greater.
From Wikipedia:
Page is commonly associated with the “Diamond Cutter” symbol, also referred to as a “Self High Five” - a hand gesture made by joining the thumbs and index fingers on each hand to form a diamond shape, then parting the two hands in one swift motion. He created the symbol in 1996 and later copyrighted it.
Also from Wikipedia:
In his autobiography, Have a Nice Day, Mick Foley details an incident that occurred while he and Stone Cold Steve Austin were travelling with Page. Irritated by Page’s constantly upbeat attitude, the two determined to make Page lose his composure. After a number of attempts, the two found success by placing ground cookies on Page’s hotel room bed, and when Page got into bed, hilarity ensued.
“HILARITY ENSUED.”
He’s just sampled it.
That hand sign isn’t looking so good.
Blood pressure falling…
…we’re losing him…
Get the defibrillator! We lost its pulse…
Too late, it’s gone. Time of death: whenever that happened.
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