I saw this flier on a mailbox in Manhattan yesterday:

This is me talking to the Cheer New York dudes:

“Hey, Cheer New York. Who are you guys? No, what I mean is, what are you cheering for? Are you just rooting for New York City? Like, in general? Because, I mean, that’s great. I love the enthusiasm. But you know guys, New York City was doing just fine before you decided to start cheering for it. In fact, we already had t-shirts made.

Why are you looking at me like that, Highkick?

You’re making me nervous. Stop it.

I feel like I’m missing something. Does the word “cheer” have some other connotation I’m not familiar with? Is that code for something? Did you think I wanted to be cheered for? Or cheered on? Because no. Definitely not.

What does that mean? I’ve never cheered in my life. Seriously, I haven’t! And I’m certainly not, like, a cheerleader.

No no no no. Now you’re misunderstanding me. I’m not making any judgments. You guys do what you want. I fully support the right to cheer. In my opinion, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with two (or more) consenting adults cheering for/on/in each other in the privacy of their own homes. Personally, I just don’t cheer. To be honest, I hardly show much exuberance for anything. But that’s just how I was born. I’m not saying you shouldn’t cheer. I’m saying that when you do cheer, cheer safely. You don’t want to live the rest of your life regretting one crazy night of thoughtless irresponsible cheering.”

Good luck, Cheer New York. One day soon all of New York will be cheering for you. (No homo.)

You got to love Animal Planet’s sassy new dog show commentator. (I can’t stop watching this video.)

Oh yeah? Well I think it’s funna be da English Foxhound, mark-ass trick.

Also…come to this tonight, won’t you?

Thanks!

OMG U GUYZ!! Alicia Keys finally came out of the closet! The Black Panther closet! Because she’s a Black Panther.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that!!!

I mean, it’s great. Good for her. It takes a lot of courage to say publicly, “Look, I think the government was behind the assassinations of Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G and that white people created ‘gangsta rap’ as a ploy to get young black men to kill each other. And I’ve felt these feelings ever since I was a little girl!”

Crazy. I totally didn’t expect this announcement. I mean, she doesn’t really look like a Black Panther, does she? In my opinion, Alicia Keys looks more like a white girl who just got back from a long spring break in Cancun.

Also, she’s a lesbian.

This morning I got an email from one of my best friends, David, bassist of the band Via Audio. This is what it said:

“Joe- You look and act exactly like this gay kid on Project Runway,
Christian Siriano. Google that dude, you will poop…i like to get stoned and pretend the guy is you.”

Oh, in case you don’t know who Christian Siriano is, here’s a 10 minute youtube of his “fiercest” moments:

(For the record: I did not edit that video.)

Correct. I do look and act exactly like that guy. 100% (Also, using the description “that gay kid on Project Runway” is like saying “that small burrowing mammal on Meerkat Manor“.) Worst thing about that story is that David isn’t even the first person to tell me that. Nor the tenth. That was either the twelfth or thirteenth email I’ve received in the last three months notifying me of my “gay twin.”

Personally, I don’t see the resemblance at all. Some people tell me that the reason I don’t see the resemblance is because I choose not to see it. And that is entirely true. I choose not to see it. Because it’s kind of an insulting thing to tell to someone straight. I mean, I think John C. Reilly looks and acts just like Richard Simmons, but that’s totally different. Wait, no it’s not.

Friend: Oh my god, Joe, do you watch Project Runway? Because your looks and behaviors are eerily similar to those of this contestant named Christian, who is radioactively homosexual.
Me: Shut up. That’s not true at all. Shut up.
Friend: What’s wrong? Did I offend you just now?
Me: Yeah, kind of. A little bit.
Friend: How could you possibly be offended that you remind me of someone who acts like an evil gay villain on Batman: The Animated Series, terrorizing Gotham City with snide comments, fabulous hair, and witch doctor fabric shears?
Me: I don’t know. I guess I’m a little sensitive.
Friend: So is Christian Siriano! See what I mean?
Me: Stop it.

So in conclusion, what I’m saying is this: Even if you’re thinking it, just don’t tell me that I look like Christian Siriano. Please. Also, you should come see David’s band play this Sunday night at Totally JK. They are very very good.

Who needs waterboarding when all you need are pastels?

That video was so funny to me, I couldn’t help but use it as fodder for my latest project, a comic strip called “Jailthyme.”

This was yesterday’s:

If you don’t mind, I’d like to quickly go back to last week’s “Is Lil Wayne crazy?” debate, because more evidence has come to life (in the affirmative). If for some reason you weren’t satisfyingly convinced the first time around, I would like to submit this for your consideration. Apparently, Lil Wayne is collaborating with Zac Efron on the next High School Musical CD. Lil Wayne. Zac Efron. Disney’s High School Musical.

I highly recommend reading the entire article. But, for those of you who don’t want to read another entire Lil Wayne interview, how about I just turn it into an original one-act play? (Note: All things in BOLD are taken directly out of the interview.)

“Zac n’ Weezy: A Love Story”
By Joe Mande

Curtains open.

Lil Wayne sits upon a golden toilet, in a large, Scarface-inspired restroom, admiring the prominent nude sculpture of himself across the room. He lifts his pants up and walks towards the sink. A tuxedo-clad bathroom attendant flushes the toilet and scampers back just in time to pump soap in to outstretched hands of Lil Wayne.

LIL WAYNE: You like that sculpture over there?

ATTENDANT: Why, yes I do. What is it, exactly? A Jamaican gremlin?

LIL WAYNE: It’s a sculpture of me you penguin-lookin’ mothafucka.

ATTENDANT: My deepest apologies. I should have known. Would you like some Juicy Fruit gum, sir?

LIL WAYNE: That’s what I pay you for, you stupid ass bitch!

ATTENDANT: Ah, yes indeed. Here you are.

Lil Wayne opens his mouth, taking his Juicy Fruit like a communion wafer.

LIL WAYNE: Nice tuxedo. Suck my dick, penguin. No homo.

Lil Wayne makes his way to the recording studio, where he begins rolling a joint the size of an infant’s arm.

LIL WAYNE: I’m so glad I started making music for white people.

Zac Efron enters, gliding into the room on Heelys.

ZAC EFRON: What’s up my nigga?

Lil Wayne gets up and kisses Zac Efron on the mouth

LIL WAYNE: What’s crackin’, my brother from another mother?

ZAC EFRON: Brother from another mother? You said the same exact thing in San Fransisco, when you followed me into the bathroom at that comic book convention after party.

LIL WAYNE: Yo! You look cute, dawg. Hows about we go record more songs for this High School Musical bullshit.

ZAC EFRON: Sounds dope to me!

Zach Efron enters the booth and puts the headphones on. He begins singing, but Lil Wayne quickly cuts him off.

LIL WAYNE: The acoustics ain’t right. Take your pants off.

ZAC EFRON: If you say so, Weezy.

Zac Efron takes his pants off.

ZAC EFRON (singing): Everybody, all for one! A real summer has just begun! Let’s rock and roll and just let go! Feel the rhythm of the drums! We’re gonna have fun in the sun!

Lil Wayne enters the booth, naked and erect. He begins rapping.

LIL WAYNE (rapping): I’m a dog, you’re all a bunch of fleas on my dick. Driving a Jag, er, like my name was Mick. I’m so sour like cream with chives, and my sperm will make your face break out in hives.

A white screen descends upon the stage. Lil Wayne and Zac Efron make passionate gay love, their shadows projecting onto the screen like Chinese shadow theater. Lights down.

Lights up. The white screen is lifted. We find Lil Wayne and Zac Efron cuddling under a mink coat adorned with patches of all 30 NBA teams.

ZAC EFRON: Man, that was fun. Do you have anything else you’re working on.

LIL WAYNE: Oh, you know, I just did songs with Mannheim Steamroller, something for the new Raffi album, and 16 bars in Spanish on Ricky Martin’s new one.

ZAC EFRON: Wow. Don’t you ever get tired of your schedule?

LIL WAYNE: Hell, no! This is how I live! I get up in the morning, get my dick sucked four times, drink a Molson’s, and then hang out with you, Zac Efron.

ZAC EFRON: Word.

Curtains close. THE END.

For the past two years, I’ve had a full-time job at a fancy glasses store in Soho. However, I’m sad to say, today is my last day in the optical business.

During my time as an eyeglass employee, I’ve slowly been demoted from copywriter to window display artist to, finally, delivery boy. It’s been a long, strange experience that I feel deserves a long, self-indulgent recap.

(more…)

Lil Wayne’s next album doesn’t drop until at least next February, yet that hasn’t stopped the album art from already leaking out onto the internet. And from the looks of it, it’s going to be his gayest album yet.

“ONLEE DA TRU THUGZ WERR MAIKUP.”

PLEASE GOD LET THIS BECOME A TREND.

Swish. Count it.

Eek? Whatevs. I don’t care, he’s still my #1 friend crush.

I saw the most amazing person in New York City on the subway today. I stared at him for a good half hour, absorbing every detail. I can’t even describe it, other than it was like seeing a unicorn. Only way gayer and more magical.

Has anyone else seen this man? I need to know what his deal is. Please?

(Note: I seriously need a camera phone.)

1: Severely crossed eyes.
2: Real mustache.
3: Fake, painted-on handlebar mustache.
4: Silly glasses.
5: Sam Cassell head.
6: Eyeliner.
7: Black spandex top (possibly a unitard).
8: Pleated women’s fat pants.
9: Miniature briefcase.
10: Homemade belt made of purple streamers.
11: Military boots.
12: Clipped-on cell phone (attached to purple streamer belt).
13: Four extra-fine Sharpie markers (blue).
14: Giant red leather wristwatch.