In theory, I should love cheesecake. I love cheese and I love cake, but for some reason the combination of the two has never won me over. It certainly tastes great, yes. But the problem is its unwieldiness. You can’t just pop cheesecake in your mouth and call it a day. No, in fact, it’s not poppable at all. You need a fork to eat the stuff (sometimes even a knife), which as we all know is completely unacceptable. Cheesecake’s stubborn refusal to make that next logical step–to poppermorphosize, if you will–has, in my opinion, forever doomed it to be classified as an imperfect, sub-standard desert.

Or so I thought.

Problem solved. Thanks Arby’s.

PS: Nice work pairing it with ketchup.

The official trailer for Yeti: A Love Story came out today.

So. Fucking. Embarrassing.

I seriously want to kill myself after watching that. But, if I did, my participation in that movie would be the last thing I ever got onto IMDB. And, therefore, I must carry on.

Here’s the description that went along with it:

It’s “King Kong” meets “Brokeback Mountain” in “Yeti: A Love Story”, a gay themed horror-comedy about a homicidal and wildly homosexual mountain yeti!

Me: “Seriously, Dad, just because I’m in a movie about a gay bigfoot who rapes boys in the woods, that doesn’t make me gay.”
My Dad: “…”
Me: “I don’t even get raped in the movie. I get shot in stomach as I run through the woods in my underwear.”  
My Dad: “…”
Me: “To get away from the gay bigfoot!”

My sincerest congratulations to Adam and E-Rock for getting national distribution on Yeti. I just wish you guys would please go back and pixelate my face out.

Did you hear about Barrington Irving, the 23 year-old kid who just finished flying around the world? Yeah, you read that right. He flew AROUND THE WORLD! In an AIRPLANE!

HE DID IT!

Wait a minute, is this the 21st century? It is, right?

I just got a little confused because it’s 2007 and the New York Times just published a story celebrating a person for flying around the world. And not with a jet-pack.

“My plane had no radar and no de-icing equipment,” said Mr. Irving, after the Rao’s crowd welcomed him back to earth with a warm ovation. “It was just me up there, alone, flying on gut instinct — pretty much the way Charles Lindbergh and Amelia Earhart did it.”

Yeah, I guess it was pretty much the same way. Except now you live in an age where people fly all the time. Oh, also, the moon? We did that, too. Over forty years ago.

The trip, which cost roughly a million dollars, was rejected by more than 50 different sponsors.

Uhm, no shit? A million dollars? Seriously? What? WHAT? Do you know what else you could buy for a million dollars? Like, five jet-packs. What an idiot.

Barrington Irving: Hi, I’m looking for sponsors to help pay for my trip around the world.
Sponsor: (Opens wallet) Okay, how much are you looking for?
Barrington Irving: About a million dollars.
Sponsor: Did you just say a million dollars? Go away. Are you retarded?

96 days, a million dollars, and an outdated dream. That’s all it takes.

Hey, look what I just did:

That’s a trip around the world I just planned. In less than a minute. I’ll fly around the world in 3 days for only 4 thousand dollars. Plus, I gave myself some time to shop a little bit.

In conclusion: Orbitz. Look it up, shithead.

Consider the following:

1. Anti-freeze toothpaste.
2. Cardboard dumplings.
3. Babies full of needles.
4. Dragon bone consumption.
5. Really bad headaches.
6. 2 billion rats.
7. No Simpsons.
8. Organ harvest prisons.
9. Dog holocaust.
10. Slave kids.
11. Old lady penguin feet.
12. Molten metal accidents.
13. Cyborg pigeons.
14. Faulty penis transplants.
15. Blood-red poop rivers.

No thank you.

Michael Chertoff, the Bush-appointed Jewgoblin in charge of Homeland Security, said yesterday that he felt the United States was likely to be attacked by terrorists this summer. He didn’t give any specifics, but he did say:

“Summertime seems to be appealing to them.”

(Them=terrorists)

That’s right, terrorists love the summertime! So, stay alert, people! Keep a watchful eye for those sunbathing zealots.

The first and last terrorists are my favs.

But seriously, what makes the head of Homeland Security think our country is susceptible to another major attack?

[Chertoff] indicated that his remarks were based on “a gut feeling” formed by previous patterns of terrorist attacks.

Some in the media have criticized this statement, saying a “gut feeling” isn’t strong enough evidence to validate such a frightening prediction regarding national security.

In response, Chertoff told reporters, “Oh yeah? Explain this, then: On September 10, 2001, I spent the entire day on the toilet with crippling diarrhea. And right before the Madrid train bombings, my acid reflux started acting up. Oh, and I had gallstones when that whole Bali nightclub thing happened. Okay? Please don’t doubt my gut when it comes to predicting the inner-workings of Al-Quada. This is why I make the big bucks.” 

Chertoff went on to say that right before a car bomb detonates in Iraq, he usually makes a “wet, smelly fart.” He later added that his guts have never been good at predicting when thousands of Black people are going to drown.