Come to Rififi this Monday night for a very special President’s Day edition of Totally J/K with Joe and Noah. We have a wonderful and patriotic line-up scheduled: Flight of the Conchords‘ Eugene Mirman; The King of Miami, Dave Hill; Best Week Ever’s Michelle Collins; and Home Movie’s Larry Murphy. This show is going to be amazing. It’ll make you want to laugh, chop down a cherry tree, free the slaves, and grant controversial pardons.

Also, any early consideration for the 2008 ECNY award for outstanding achievement in postcard or flyer design?

Everyone knows that I’ve been a sports fan my entire life. So it should come as no surprise that I’ve spent my last two Saturday nights going to historic athletic events. On Saturday, Dec. 29th, I was in attendance Giants Stadium as The New England Patriots completed their perfect season by defeating the New York Giants 38-35 in one of the most exciting football games ever played.

Then, this past Saturday, I was in attendance at Madison Square Garden to see the Profession Bull Riders Versus Invitational. It was announced that, for the first time in the history of “all western sport,” the competitors were given the chance to actually choose which bull he’d ride later that night. (First of all, about that, …what? How is it at all possible this was the first time cowboys chose their bull? Were all rodeos prior to 2008 decided with an Ouija board? An officiated game of Oogie Cookie? Also, was it really necessary to bring the Hemispheres into it?)

Both events were a triumph. Someone asked me which one was better, and I really didn’t what to say. Sure, the Patriots game was more celebrated in the liberal Jew-run media, but the NYC rodeo was pretty amazing as well. So, because I believe in science, I decided to match them up:

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For the past few months, I’ve been getting free issues of Complex Magazine in the mail. I have no idea why or how they started showing up, but I know for a fact I’m not paying for them. So weird. The first time it came, I actually tried reading it while I was on the toilet. But I had to stop because it made me so stupid I forgot how to poop. Since then, I’ve promptly thrown the magazine in the garbage as soon as I took it out of my mailbox. The end.

…or is it?

When I got the December/January issue yesterday, something about the cover story intrigued me…

Hmmm…let’s see…is Lil’ Wayne crazy? I don’t know. But, considering your pull quote is “I’m a Martian, and if you understand me then you’re Jesus Christ,” I’m going to go ahead and say YES. Yes, Lil Wayne is crazy.

Want more proof? Read the following quotes from Lil’ Wayne’s retarded extensive interview with Complex Magazine (note: they’re unbelievable):

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Hey, have you heard the new hot jam of the summer? It’s Will.I.Am’s “I Got It From My Mama”? Check it out, it’s dope!

Got it from my mama? LOL! That is classic Will.I.Am, right there! Boy, I’ll tell ya. That guy is something else. He’s maybe the most original voice we have in mainstream hip-hop today. An unparalled talent.

(Joe sets time machine back to 2002.)

Hey, have you heard the new hot jam of the summer? It’s Juvenile’s “Mama Got Ass (She Get it From Her Mama)”? Check it out, it’s the bomb!

Got it from her mama? LOL! That is too much! This Juvenile guy is something else. He’s on a whole other plane. A rap song about ass genetics? Forget about it. No one is even close to doing what he’s doing. NOR WILL ANYONE EVER COME CLOSE. That’s my prediction.

The official trailer for Yeti: A Love Story came out today.

So. Fucking. Embarrassing.

I seriously want to kill myself after watching that. But, if I did, my participation in that movie would be the last thing I ever got onto IMDB. And, therefore, I must carry on.

Here’s the description that went along with it:

It’s “King Kong” meets “Brokeback Mountain” in “Yeti: A Love Story”, a gay themed horror-comedy about a homicidal and wildly homosexual mountain yeti!

Me: “Seriously, Dad, just because I’m in a movie about a gay bigfoot who rapes boys in the woods, that doesn’t make me gay.”
My Dad: “…”
Me: “I don’t even get raped in the movie. I get shot in stomach as I run through the woods in my underwear.”  
My Dad: “…”
Me: “To get away from the gay bigfoot!”

My sincerest congratulations to Adam and E-Rock for getting national distribution on Yeti. I just wish you guys would please go back and pixelate my face out.

Time Magazine has a story this week about the “new action heroes” of American politics: Michael Bloomberg and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

This is the picture from the article:

Which is eerily similar to a picture I found of their fathers, taken 55 years ago in Austria:

Fun fact about the Governor of California #1: His dad was a Nazi. 

Fun fact about the Governor of California #2: His wife is a Kennedy and also the cryptkeeper.

Some people are freaking out over the news that Russia tested a new ICBM missile yesterday. The missile is said to be capable of piercing the US missile defense system. The concern is this might start an arms race between the two countries and blah blah blah World War 3.

Honestly, an arms race with Russia doesn’t scare me. We all know how the last one went down.

When it comes to things about Russia that scare me, I’d have to go with the article in last week’s Newsweek about Vladimir Putin’s growing army of brainwashed militants.

The Kremlin has rolled out its newest weapon in the drive to reclaim Russia’s bygone regional dominance: a shadowy youth movement known as Nashi…

I’m sorry? Did you just say “Nashi”?

New recruits to Nashi are given basic military training and can graduate to the black-uniformed street patrols of the Nashi Police or the fledgling Nashi Army…

That’s funny. I could have sworn you just said Russia has a rogue police force and an army of Nashis.

Nashi volunteers visited local schools to show a film titled “Lessons in Courage.” It opens with footage of a vast Nashi meeting of young people wearing identical white T shirts marked with a big red star…

So, you’re saying these Nashis, they like to have rallies wherein they all dress in identical clothing emblazoned with a large red symbol? That’s weird.

Next came shots of Putin juxtaposed with photos of a noble-looking wolf, followed by images of rats. “Putin is a lonely wolf surrounded by rats,” Panchenko told the schoolkids. “Russia has become too corrupt. It is time to change things, time for stronger leaders—like us.”

Oh, okay, never mind. I was mistaken. The Nashis aren’t scary. They’re just an obedient Army of Aryan zealots who think of themselves as exterminators and want to bring their once powerful country back to its former glory. And they think of their leader as a noble wolf. And they patrol the streets in black uniforms in search of traitors. What’s wrong with that? Sounds like a party, actually. Like one huge Nashi party.  

Nashis are web-savvy too. Last week, they got mad at Estonian officials who tore down a statue of a Soviet soldier, so in retribution, they overloaded Estonia’s computer system with billions of spam emails.

Massive onslaughts of spam brought down the Web sites of government agencies, banks and news services and paralyzed large parts of Estonia’s cyber-reliant economy. NATO sent emergency Internet security assistance to defend the embattled member state.

Wait. The UN has Internet peacekeepers?

That dude saved Darfur (in EverQuest).

$20 says the Nashis will destroy us all.

Want proof John McCain won’t ever be president? Watch him take orders from a snarky Jew:

SIT DOWN!

 I could watch that for hours.

I wonder if forty years ago, when the Vietcong were sticking bamboo shoots up his pee-hole, John McCain ever thought to himself:

“Someday, I’m going to make it back to America and run for president. First, I’ll work for years and years to become a well-liked and respected Senator, so that when I do eventually decide to run, I’ll be far and away the most qualified candidate in the field. THEN, for no logical reason, I’ll derail my campaign by being the most uncompromisingly dillusional proponent for a mismanaged urban war eerily similar to the one I’m being tortured in right now.”

I wonder if he thought that! I do!

Politics are hilarious.

The whole interview is here:

McCain =

= tragic irony

The more I fight it, the worse it gets. I’m becoming such a New York Jew.

Case in point: I bought a New York Knicks hat this weekend. I don’t even like the Knicks (in fact, the almost-but-not-really dream team of Ewing, Oakley, Starks, etc. was probably my least favorite anything of the Nineties). No, I got the hat because it was only $4.50.

Then I talked the dude down to $3.75.

Beeteedubz, Happy passover!

I’m sad youtube didn’t exist when I was in high school.

Some friends, my girlfriend, and I went to my parent’s house for Passover seder, and the entire dinner conversation was this:
“There is no archaeological proof Jews were even in Egypt.”
“Seriously. Jews weren’t slaves.”
“Can you imagine a bunch of Jews building a pyramid?”
“Building anything.”
“Ikea furniture.”
“We didn’t build the pyramids. Maybe we designed them, but we didn’t build them.”
“You’re upsetting your mother.”

Speaking of Seders, don’t you wish someone would make the movie Twister, but with the ten biblical plagues?

I haven’t been this excited for a Hilary Swank movie since:

Cut to: ten years later, winner of 2 Oscars.

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I’ve been reading a lot books lately about Abraham Lincoln.

He had a rough life. First of all, he was raised in a log cabin. Gross. He ends up looking like an ape, but has the voice of a  little girl. Racist people back then fucking hated him. Plus, his wife was major ugz and his kid died in the White House. So shitty. Despite all that, he still managed to preserve the Union and free the slaves. And there were a ton of slaves back then. He was an amazing dude all around.

So like two nights after General Lee surrenders, pretty much sealing a Union victory, Lincoln decides to take a night off. He tries to go out and enjoy a play with his ugly wife, when BAM, John Wilkes Booth shoots him in the head. So shitty!

His killer then jumps from the balcony onto the stage, breaks his leg upon impact, yells some shit in Latin, hobbles out of the theater, and escapes. The audience, meanwhile, does nothing. Because they think it’s a part of the play. Seriously. They thought their president, Abraham Lincoln, was participating in some experimental break-the-fourth-wall theater. Two nights after saving the country. Playing a supporting role. As an assassination victim. Idiots.

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