I think I know who should play the Penguin in the next Batman movie…

Sorry, did I say the Penguin? I meant the Melty-Face Chipmunk.

It’s obvious that Americans have a sick, insatiable demand for celebrity gossip. And while I may think your website to be offensive and sleazy, I understand that it exists simply to supply that demand. It’s a business, I get it.

However, I think you need to set up some guidelines for the photographers on your staff. Actually, I just have one guideline: LEAVE PETER FALK ALONE!

Seriously? Peter Falk? Why would you send someone out to follow Columbo’s every move?

That’s right, people. Peter Falk got caught wearing a pink and teal button-down shirt with a big ass coffee cup on it. You know why? Because he’s a hundred fucking years old and he probably really likes coffee. Give him a break. He worked with the Rat Pack.

Yes, granted, it’s a very ugly shirt and he looks a mess. But, you have to remember, only one of his eyes is real and he could drop dead at any moment.

OMG! Wait…does Peter Falk have a stain on his pants?

Dammit! Too far away. Switch lenses and get a close up!

The photographer was probably like, “BOOM! Take that Peter Falk! You’re going to be all over the blogosphere tomorrow with a big stain on your ass! Haha!…What? What’s a blogosphere? Oh, that’s just another word people use for the internet…The internet is, uh, it’s like a vast network connecting computers all over the world…Computers? Those are the boxes you see people typing on all the time…Yeah, sort, they’re kind of like typewriters. But you can use them to look at pictures of people and stuff…Yeah, I mean, I suppose you could look at pictures of birds if you wanted…Oh, you like birds?…Uh huh…Right…Sure…I don’t really have a favorite bird…No, really, I don’t know…Okay, an oriole…Are you alright, Peter Falk? Do you know where you are right now? Do you want me to take you home?…Oh, no thank you. I don’t really eat hard candy…No, really, I’m fine…Oh, well, thank you. Butterscotch is my favorite…Well, I have to go…I’ll talk to you later…I love you too…Bye!”

[Thanks to Eliot Glazer for the link.]

Barack Obama clinched the Democratic Party’s nomination last night, which was sort of exciting. I guess. Though, for me, yesterday’s most newsworthy political story was this: George Lucas endorses Barack Obama. Do you know that means? Nothing. But, I bet so many Ron Paul supporters are feeling conflicted right now.

While in Japan promoting his new movie Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull that Belongs to an Alien, Yeah, That’s Right, This Movie is About Aliens, Don’t Worry, It’s Okay Because the Aliens Aren’t From Outer Space, But Rather the Space Between Spaces, Lucas told reporters:

“We have a hero in the making back in the United States today because we have a new candidate for president of the United States, Barack Obama…[Obama], for all of us that have dreams and hope, is a hero.”

He then added, “But get this…he HATES snakes!”

I hope the Obama campaign considers hiring George Lucas as an adviser. His genius would work well inside the realm of public service.

I just read online that Brad Pitt is in pre-production for a movie called Chad Schmidt. In the movie, Brad Pitt will be playing the title role of Chad Schmidt, a young talented actor living in 1980’s Los Angeles. Schmidt (who, as you may recall, will be played by Brad Pitt) has a hard time getting acting work in Hollywood because he looks remarkably similar to another talented young actor: Brad Pitt (who, of course, will also be played by Brad Pitt). So…just to repeat: Brad Pitt is making a movie about Brad Pitt, starring Brad Pitt as Brad Pitt and a guy who looks exactly like Brad Pitt with a name that rhymes with Brad Pitt.

I hope when Chad Schmidt does eventually come out, it’ll just be Brad Pitt jerking off to his own reflection in a mirror for two hours. (Unless, of course, Vincent Gallo has started shooting Brown Bunny 2, which has a similar plot.)

I heard Eddie Murphy was actually the first one to hear the pitch for Chad Schmidt (though, at the time, the tentative title was “Bleddie Blurphmy”) and he was like, “Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait. So, you want me to play me? And a guy who just kinda looks like me? That’s it? C’mon man, I’m Eddie Murphy! Where’s the fat Korean grandmother? Or the a gay Jamaican priest? I’m not doing no art-house bullshit…me playing me…ridiculous. Someone find me a real script! Something with stereotypes! And a bunch of unnecessary make-up!”

Eddie Murphy is going to be so upset when he reads that.

In terms of youtubes about sneezing pandas, this one reminds me of the movie US Marshals.

I consider the original to be The Fugutive.

I mean, there was really no reason to make a second Sneezing Panda video. The original is perfect. Over 14 million views? Classic youtube. It’s not like I finished watching the first one and thought, “Hmm…I wonder what happens when the sneezing panda grows up? What if he starts sneezing in front of a bunch of European tourists? I hope someone fucking makes a youtube about THAT.”

Of course, they go ahead and make the second one anyway. And, to be honest, when I first hit play I was expecting the worst. These are never ever any good. However, to my delight, it turned out to be pretty darn good. In fact, I watched it a few times. I think the Sneezing Panda did an amazing job in the starring role. Not only does the camera love his face, but I found his sneezing to be much more refined in this picture. (Though, perhaps a bit overdone.) The only major problem I had with the sequel was the unnecessary addition of those laughing European tourists. Whose idea was that? And why were they audio-only? Honestly, who do they think they are, the people behind the camera of The Escape of Baby Buffalo? HA! I THINK NOT.

Perhaps I’m being a little too harsh harsh on the laughing tourists. But, that’s simply because I’m forced to compare their mediocre work to that of the frightened grownup chewing panda in the original, which I consider to be one of the most iconic, powerhouse performances in the history of .mov files. But, that’s exactly my point: knowing you’ll be compared to that, why even try? Furthermore, if you are going to try, then TRY! Do something, anything, besides laughing at the sneezing panda. Show some range, idiots. Engage me. Whatever, I’m digressing. All I’m saying is I think the second Sneezing Panda video is great, but I found the performance of the supporting cast to be underwhelming and, frankly, a bit arrogant.

All in all, I do believe this is an encouraging start for a surprisingly good summer of youtube sequels. My hope is that someone will make a sequel revolving solely around the musical walrus character in Singing Beluga Whales and Musical Walrus:

(His scene begins at 2:31)

It’s like The Rocketeer got raped by Transformers.

I was watching HBO the other day when a movie from 1999 called Simon Sez came on. I don’t remember ever seeing or hearing anything about this movie when it came out, but it’s an action/comedy/buddy flick starring the dynamic tandem of actor Dennis Rodman and actor Dane Cook.

That’s right, Dennis Rodman and Dane Cook. Together. In a movie.

Needless to say, it’s beyond amazing. (And the only thing beyond amazing is very shitty.) After watching it in its entirety, my only wish was that they made a Criterion edition of this movie, so I could go back and watch it over and over again with commentary from the two lead actors. Too bad that will never happen because, sadly, Dennis Rodman is dead.

At first, I was just going to make a Netflix recommendation for this movie and leave it at that. But then I thought, how many copies of Simon Sez could Netflix possibly have? Three? I hope it’s no more than three. And the last thing I want is to start some kind of widespread queue frenzy, with people fighting over a few limited Dane Cook DVDs. Because that would only cause a tension and resentment between viewers that would ultimately distract everyone from the quiet brilliance of this remarkable film. So instead, as a public service, I went ahead and condensed the entire movie down into a short, manageable web video for everyone to enjoy.

Here it is, Simon Sez (in 5 Minutes):

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