GREAT news!!! Last Call with Carson Daly is coming back on the air tonight! Despite the writers strike!

“I am SO MONEY” - Carson Daly, 2007

Carson Daly deserves everything he’s ever gotten in life. I truly believe that. I’m so pumped he’s coming back! That takes some sryz bllz, people. Plus, according to The Smoking Gun, CD is crossing the picket line in the classiest way possible: by asking his buddies to write jokes for him instead!

(Normally, I would be showing solidarity to the comedy writers. Obviously. However, it’s my humble opinion that if you make a living writing jokes for Carson Daly, right now you should just be happy that other people are writing jokes for Carson Daly. (Also, you should probably kill yourself.))

The best is the email Carson Daly sent out to his friends and family asking for material. I definitely recommend reading the email in it’s entirety. But if you don’t feel like it, which is totally understandable, it’s basically like this:

“Dear friends and family: So, as you probably don’t know, I for some reason host a late night network television show. Or, might I say I used to host a late night show, until all the Jews I hired went on strike. Lame. Anyways, I decided to just start the show back up again this week without them. And, the first thing I want to do when I get back is do a really funny bit about not having any writers! Ha! I’m thinking the bit would be about how my friends and family (you guys) keep calling me all the time and leaving me voice-mails with a bunch of funny ideas for jokes and stuff. So… if you have any funny ideas for jokes and stuff, let me know! Just make sure the joke works as a voicemail! Thanks in advance, Carson.”

This was his sample joke in the email:

Exampl: [sic]
It could be as simple as…BEEP “Hey Cars, its DAD, sorry bout the strike, gotta be tough on ya, try this one on the show…2 priests and a rabbi walk into a bar…….yada yada. Anyway, my back’s feeling better, those pills mom got me seem to be working….finally. bye.”

HAHAHAHA!!!! Now, that’s what I call jokes! Volume 6! Happy LOLidays, everybody! OMG, so good. I don’t even know what my favorite part of that joke is. The “yada yada” part? Or when he says that mom’s “pills” have finally started to work? HAHAHAHA!!!! Gene.

Please feel free to pass this along to others that WE know to participate. I’m only emailing a very small group because I’m lazy, I’ll trust your judgement [sic] on who [sic] you ask to leave a message. The more random and creative, the better (my personal doctor in NY is on this email). Quicker jokes will work well as will “classic” or “hacky” ones OR if you think got a “homerun” [sic] let her rip.

If you think you have a “homerun” for Carson (industry term, don’t worry about it), or even if you think you have a ground-rule double, you should call: 818-260-5107. Let her rip, you guys!

PS: PLIPPS, PLIPPS, PLIPPS, PLIPPS, PLIPPS.

This is the audition tape Noah and I made for the upcoming Notorious B.I.G. movie. I think we have a shot (bad choice of words)…(because he was shot to death, dontchyaknow?!)

You should go to www.foxsearchlight.com/notorious if you want to LOL (laugh out loud) and FUI (feel uncomfortable inside).

Also, if you try to Google Image Search the words “B.I.G. R.I.P.” this is the first thing that comes up:

B.I.G. R.I.P. = Space Vagina!!!!

(more…)

Sometimes I think to myself, “I wish there was a show on TV, a documentary, about a Hollywood actor going abroad to search for spiritual enlightenment. Preferably an actor from the worst show on television. An actor with thinning hair who was also a GAP model and is sometimes in rap videos for no explainable reason.”

Well, guess what? It happened! And it’s in H-muthafuckin’-D, kid!

I’m speaking, of course, of the Discovery HD program called “Jeremy Piven’s Journey of a Lifetime.” It follows the 42 year-old Emmy-award winning star of Entourage, as he travels the subcontinent to finally experience the semester abroad he never got to have as a kid. And we’re all invited along for the ride (in HIGH DEFINITION, no less)!

My favorite part of JP’S JL was when Jeremy Piven visits a temple in Rishikesh, India, and decides to get intensely gay with his new Hindu homeboy, Swami G.

Uhm…is this a TV show? Or the “Introduction to Travel Writing” course I took at Emerson College? Because, seriously, this shit needs some serious peer review and revision.

I love it when he’s like:

“At the end of the river Ganges, I found a sense of peace. A sense of balance I have never felt. This was totally unexpected and unplanned.”

“…it was, like, out of the blue. A complete coincidence that there was a camera crew was following my every move. So weird.”

“Right now I just feel the current of the river Ganges. I kind of feel that current still, in a weird way, flowing. I feel lighter. I mean, if you to say what was the defining moment of this trip, that would definitely be it. That makes it a journey of a lifetime.”

“…a journey of a lifetime I just so happened to executive produce, thank you very much.”

What a douche. And asking Swami G for a mantra? In front of all the cameras? Bad manners, much?

Swami G. is tight, though.

Actually, I think the blooper reel at the end was the worst/best part. (Spoiler alert: he’s the blooper.) Piven clearly had a catchphrase he wanted integrated into the show, but guess what? It’s terribly embarrassing. Also, watch as he somehow manages to be condescending to a monkey.

Thing is, JP, most people can’t be a traveler. Because most people can’t be a movie premium cable TV star.

Jeremy Piven is like that dude at the end of 12 Monkeys, except he’s spreading his PLIPPS all over the world.

I really hope Journey of a Lifetime 2 takes him to Iraq.

Addendum: I’ve been informed that this show first aired months ago, which means what I saw was a rerun. That makes it so much worse.

Michael Douglas’ son, Cameron Douglas, is facing charges for felony drug possession.

Eek. See what drugs do to you, kids? They make you look like a younger, sadder, more-Frankensteiny version of your movie star father.

If you ask me, none of this would have happened if Michael Douglas were around more for his son as young boy, to kind-of-but-not-really make pancakes for him and whatnot.

 This morning, the Internet asked me this question:

Uhm…I really, really hope not. Like, more than anything.

“Are you Dane Cook?”

I bet Dane Cook asks himself that question every morning in the mirror for at least half an hour. Trying his hardest to make it a bit.

“Are you Dane Cook? Are you? Are you? Are you Dane…COOK?! COOK!? ARE YOU DANE COOK?!”

Then he rips off his snap-pants.

Then he starts crying. 

You guys know what I’m talkin’ about! Who here doesn’t secretly enjoy a good, hard cry now and again? Right? One of those good, emphatic, early morning mirror-cries? I think mirror-cries are the best kind of cries because they are so relatable:

“Are you Dane Cook?”

That’s seriously the rudest thing I’ve ever been asked. (Note: I was asked to show ID for an R rated movie two weeks ago.)

Here’s a tip, Dane: Kill yourself.

(I’m probably the first person to say mean things about this guy.)

I just found this on google. Some guy made a Dane Cook Monopoly board.

I created this Monopoly board in Photoshop as a gift for comedian Dane Cook. Each property is one of Dane Cook’s jokes.

…and each one of Dane Cook’s jokes is property of Louis C.K.

Here are some of the cards from the Dane Cook Monopoly set:

I just made this game as a gift to Dane Cook:

It’s just like original “Sorry!,” except before every turn, Dane Cook has to apologize for everything he’s ever done (without yelling).

I could do this all day, but I need to stop because I can feel my bald spot growing.

Cropstikas!

OMG. Racist corn is so scary.

Seriously, there are only two possible explanations for this. Either New Jersey is being visited by Jew-hating aliens, or Mel Gibson is directing Signs 2.

I hate these people.

Yet, I have set my TiVo to record every episode of season 3. (Is self-schadenfreude a thing? Because I have it.)

And, despite what I previously thought, it looks as though PLIPPS is indeed contagious. Look what Brody Jenner did to poor Mr. Belding:

Barf. Everything about that picture is a nightmare.

I’m willing to bet $20 that my man Brody’s tongue got stained by drinking a six-pack of Ed Hardy Energy Drinks.

Today I am introducing a new segment to my blog called “U got P.L.I.P.P.S.”

P.L.I.P.P.S., for those of you who don’t already know, is a disease I made up. It’s a lot like A.I.D.S. and cancer, only worse. You can only get P.L.I.P.P.S. if you are a huge, obnoxious douche-bag who is famous for no reason and I hate you. 

(Also, I have no idea what it’s an acronym for.)

I am currently the only person in the world qualified to diagnose PLIPPS. But, being the good Samaritan I am, I will occasionally use my blog as a platform to identify those inflicted with PLIPPS as a matter of public safety.

Hopefully, over time, others will be able to diagnose PLIPPS for themselves. And in turn, more people will be diagnosed with, and hopefully die of, PLIPPS.

So here goes…

The first person to be publicly outed with PLIPPS is none other than TV’s Brody Jenner.

I was watching MTV Cribs this weekend, and this motherfucker was on giving a tour of his scenic $24,000,000 Malibu house.

Only, it wasn’t really his house…it was his parent’s house. Only, it wasn’t really his parent’s house, it was his stepdad’s house. Only, it wasn’t really his stepdad’s house, it was his mom’s house, which she got via a divorce settlement from his stepdad.

Did you follow that? This dude was on national TV, without any shame, parading around an amazing house that he gets to live in solely because his mom is an evil, money-grubbing cunt.

If you don’t think that alone deserves a slow, painful death from PLIPPS, just look at Brody Jenner’s wikipedia page and tell me you don’t want him dead.

•  Brody Jenner (born August 21, 1983), a reality television celebrity and model, is the younger son of Olympic decathlon champion Bruce Jenner and actress Linda Thompson.

• He is a stepson of songwriter David Foster and a stepbrother of Kim Kardashian.

•  Jenner dated actress Kristin Cavallari of Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County for about one year.

• Weeks after his break up with Cavallari, in August 2006, he began seeing longtime friend, Nicole Richie.

• Multiple internet gossip columns, and Richie herself through her MySpace blog, have suggested that the relationship between Jenner and Richie was staged for publicity purposes.

• Most recently, Jenner has been romantically linked to Haylie Duff.

I just barfed on my keyboard. No joke. By the way, I just decided that all the people on his wikipedia have PLIPPS too, even the person who spent the time writing it.

I’m not normally a gossip, but I have some very juicy inside-info about a new HOLLYWOOD POWER COUPLE!

My sources* tell me that skanktress Lindsey Lohan is bedding the best rapper alive, Lil’ Wayne!

Move over, TomKat and Brangelina! It’s Lindl’ Wayhan! It’s a match made in heaven prison.

My sources* tell me that this relationship is the real deal, people. They are totes goo-goo-ga-ga for each other. And when they’re apart, they go so far as to coordinate their felony arrests! How romantic is that? Like, last night Lindsay got busted for drunk driving and cocaine possession in Santa Monica while Lil’ Wayne getting charged for gun possession in New York City. TOO CUTE!

A Santa Monica Police representative said that ”Lindsay looks really happy,” and “Cocaine was found in her pants pocket.” 

Meanwhile, an NYPD officer told me privately that, ”Lil’ Wayne wants to marry that girl,” and “Another person, so far uncharged, stuffed 7 pounds of marijuana down the tour bus’ toilet as officers approached.”

Are those wedding bells I hear? No, wait, sorry. Those are sirens.

(Thanks to Greg Johnson for the Drudge sirens.)

Besides substance abuse problems, they both have daddy issues too!

For real, though, please let me know if/when ”FREE WEEZY” t-shirts become available on-line, because I’m going to want to order at least ten of them.

*= wishful imagination

Grab those surgical masks, people!

Beckham Fever! It’s like S.A.R.S., only way less interesting!

“Just naked-fart it out, bro. You’ll be fine.”

I looked Beckham Fever up on WebMD, and it’s not pretty. The symptoms include: a high-pitched voice, gay haircuts, and a robot wife.

It’s important to get tested regularly for Beckham Fever because, if left untreated, you could make a billion dollars and be the most famous person on Earth.

Not without steroids or a rape allegation, he won’t. This is AMERICA.