I saw the most amazing person in New York City on the subway today. I stared at him for a good half hour, absorbing every detail. I can’t even describe it, other than it was like seeing a unicorn. Only way gayer and more magical.

Has anyone else seen this man? I need to know what his deal is. Please?

(Note: I seriously need a camera phone.)

1: Severely crossed eyes.
2: Real mustache.
3: Fake, painted-on handlebar mustache.
4: Silly glasses.
5: Sam Cassell head.
6: Eyeliner.
7: Black spandex top (possibly a unitard).
8: Pleated women’s fat pants.
9: Miniature briefcase.
10: Homemade belt made of purple streamers.
11: Military boots.
12: Clipped-on cell phone (attached to purple streamer belt).
13: Four extra-fine Sharpie markers (blue).
14: Giant red leather wristwatch.

Sometimes, when it’s gross and rainy outside, I search for an up-tempo and inspirational youtube to help get me through the day. Today I think I hit the jackpot.

Wow. So good. Like, SOOOOOO good. I can’t handle how good it is. Seriously, 2:52-2:56 of that video rivals Little Superstar’s 0:36-0:41 for the funniest thing I’ve seen on the internets. Uhm, her face?

By a show of hands, who thought Evelyn Thomas was full-blown retarded?

Can we make this the new internet sensation? Please? God?

(Also, 1:33-1:40 and 2:03-2:04.)

Last week, Max Silvestri and I made a viral video spoofing the important VH1 reality show The Pick Up Artist. Needless to say, the youtube was a sensation that swept the internet like a monsoon of chocolate rain yelling “Leave Britney alone!!!”

Anyway, the effect of our video was more powerful than even Max and I could have imagined (which is crazy, because we both imagined the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences creating the category “Best YouTube” just so they could give us an Oscar for our work).

Anyway anyway, you should seriously go to Max’s blog immediately to check out the email that PUA contestant Joe D* wrote to us regarding the video. It’s pretty much the best non-Maury Povich thing to ever happen to me.

* = a.k.a. “The Glamorous Pig,” as my GF lovingly refers to him.

So, it’s 1000 degrees outside with 1000% humidity in New York today. Also, some kind of thunder-typhoon hit the city early this morning and now all the trains are flooded and everyone hates everyone else even more than usual. 

Basically, it’s a complete nightmare outside and I don’t feel like writing today. Is that okay, MOM?

Instead of trying to use words to describe how scared and disgusting I feel, I’ve decided to let these eight seconds from the Oxygen channel’s Mo’Nique’s F.A.T. Chance* do the talking for me.

That is what New York City feels like today. Times eight million.

(* = Anything with two apostrophes is automatically a winner in my book.)

Michael Chertoff, the Bush-appointed Jewgoblin in charge of Homeland Security, said yesterday that he felt the United States was likely to be attacked by terrorists this summer. He didn’t give any specifics, but he did say:

“Summertime seems to be appealing to them.”

(Them=terrorists)

That’s right, terrorists love the summertime! So, stay alert, people! Keep a watchful eye for those sunbathing zealots.

The first and last terrorists are my favs.

But seriously, what makes the head of Homeland Security think our country is susceptible to another major attack?

[Chertoff] indicated that his remarks were based on “a gut feeling” formed by previous patterns of terrorist attacks.

Some in the media have criticized this statement, saying a “gut feeling” isn’t strong enough evidence to validate such a frightening prediction regarding national security.

In response, Chertoff told reporters, “Oh yeah? Explain this, then: On September 10, 2001, I spent the entire day on the toilet with crippling diarrhea. And right before the Madrid train bombings, my acid reflux started acting up. Oh, and I had gallstones when that whole Bali nightclub thing happened. Okay? Please don’t doubt my gut when it comes to predicting the inner-workings of Al-Quada. This is why I make the big bucks.” 

Chertoff went on to say that right before a car bomb detonates in Iraq, he usually makes a “wet, smelly fart.” He later added that his guts have never been good at predicting when thousands of Black people are going to drown.

Tefillin Barbie. No question I’d hit that.

Well, maybe through a hole in a sheet.

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