So, last week we had a show that included Todd Barry, Leo Allen, Heather Lawless, Kevin Allison, and a surprise drop-in by Arj Barker. Yet, despite this stellar lineup, our crowd was embarrassingly small. (Embarrassing for you.) In fact, I was so upset by the turnout, I told Noah I was going right home to Heaven’s Gate myself. And I meant it–I own the black and white Nikes to do it. Luckily, Noah talked me down and, instead, we decided to book another amazing show for tonight. Check it out:

I don’t care how cold and windy it is, we expect you all to come.

As some of you may know, I haven’t been online a lot recently because I’m currently on the road with fellow comedian John Mulaney. We’re performing at a bunch of Midwestern colleges; places like St. Joseph’s College in beautiful downtown Rensselaer, Indiana (funny aside: didja know “Rensselaer” is the German word for “methlab?”). But I have to admit, The Road is fucking hard, you guys. It’s seriously so cold outside. Like, it hasn’t gotten above single digits. Plus, everything is covered in ash and all we have to eat is canned peaches. John has done a great job this trip keeping my spirits up while he struggles to push our grocery cart through the muck towards the sea, but sometimes in the mornings I hear him coughing up blood, and it makes me scared. I can’t face these cannibals by myself.

JK! It’s been a lot fun. For me, the highlight of the trip thus far was two nights ago, when we walked into North Central College’s Student Activities Center in Napersville, Illinois. The doors of the facility were decorated with drawings celebrating Martin Luther King Jr’s “I Have A Dream” speech. Adorably racist drawings. It said they were made by third graders asked to summarize MLK’s famous “I Have a Dream” speech, but a part of me thinks that maybe they were actually done by the students of NCC. We’ll never know for sure. No matter what, Dr. King’s dream will live on through these pictures, dissolving in and out as my computer’s screen saver until the end of time.

What’s up, indeed.

Well, no one likes sitting in the back of a roller coaster.

His real dream is white superman? What? Was he having a nightmare?

I don’t think he saw the world in terms of olives OR anchovies. I think MLK saw the world as one big, delicious supreme pizza.

Kids draw the darndest things. (Darndest means insensitive, right? For reals though, how the fuck did those pictures make it out of a classroom? Who is teaching American History to these little monsters, and is like “Olives or Anchovies? That’s an interesting interpretation, Bobby. Very good! I’m sending that one over to the college.” A Nazi-lady, that’s who.)

PS: If you’re in New York, you should go to this tonight. It’s our one-year anniversary.

Click here to watch a wacky local morning news team re-enact the Senator’s lewd conduct.

My three favorite things about the video:
1. The anchorman’s kooky familiarity with public bathroom gay sex etiquette.
2. The anchorwoman claiming she’s never seen a bathroom stall before.
3. The weatherman’s Indian man sandals.

So, it’s 1000 degrees outside with 1000% humidity in New York today. Also, some kind of thunder-typhoon hit the city early this morning and now all the trains are flooded and everyone hates everyone else even more than usual. 

Basically, it’s a complete nightmare outside and I don’t feel like writing today. Is that okay, MOM?

Instead of trying to use words to describe how scared and disgusting I feel, I’ve decided to let these eight seconds from the Oxygen channel’s Mo’Nique’s F.A.T. Chance* do the talking for me.

That is what New York City feels like today. Times eight million.

(* = Anything with two apostrophes is automatically a winner in my book.)

The official trailer for Yeti: A Love Story came out today.

So. Fucking. Embarrassing.

I seriously want to kill myself after watching that. But, if I did, my participation in that movie would be the last thing I ever got onto IMDB. And, therefore, I must carry on.

Here’s the description that went along with it:

It’s “King Kong” meets “Brokeback Mountain” in “Yeti: A Love Story”, a gay themed horror-comedy about a homicidal and wildly homosexual mountain yeti!

Me: “Seriously, Dad, just because I’m in a movie about a gay bigfoot who rapes boys in the woods, that doesn’t make me gay.”
My Dad: “…”
Me: “I don’t even get raped in the movie. I get shot in stomach as I run through the woods in my underwear.”  
My Dad: “…”
Me: “To get away from the gay bigfoot!”

My sincerest congratulations to Adam and E-Rock for getting national distribution on Yeti. I just wish you guys would please go back and pixelate my face out.

Just as Summer begins, today I read about some guy in Florida getting hit by ”dry lightning.”

With no rain or even clouds to warn him of the danger, death came literally out of the blue Thursday to a self-employed landscaper. The killer was a powerful bolt of lightning that cracked through perfectly clear skies.

[He] was killed by a weather phenomenon fittingly called a ”bolt from the blue” or ”dry lightning” because it falls from clear, blue skies.

LOL! Get it? “Out of the blue.” Because it came out of nowhere and killed that dude! 

Wait…lightning? Lightning can strike you on a sunny day? I’ve never even considered worrying about that. And I worry about everything.

But, I mean, at least it’s not some kind of super-deadly form of lightning, right? It’s normal, run-of-the-mill lightning, that just so happens to come out of nowhere. I think I can deal with that. That’s not that scary.

The fair-weather bolts pack a bigger, deadlier punch and form differently.

Fuck me.

Most lightning bolts carry a negative charge, but ”bolts from the blue” have a positive charge, carry as much as 10 times the current, are hotter and last longer.

AAAAH! Of course! Why wouldn’t lightning that comes out of nowhere on a sunny day be ten times stronger, hotter, and longer-lasting than regular lightning? That’s rational. 

The bolts normally travel horizontally away from the storm and reach farther than typical lightning, then curve to the ground.

So, basically, they go out of their way to kill you? Awesome.

Have a good weekend, everyone. I just checked the forecast, it’s going to be beautiful out there.

I’m staying in my apartment forever.