Look who struck e-GOLD!!!

The singing! The spinning choreography! Tom Kruse the nurse inventor! The Grand Canyon! AAAAAHHH! There’s so much to talk about! All I know is these videos reeeeeally make me wish I was super old. Or, just a little bit more lazy.

JOE’S HANUKKAH WISHLIST:
Nintendo Wii
iPhone
Tempurpedic mattress
Miniature Great Dane
Pinky ring
Laser gun flashlight (premade)
Valour jumpsuit
Skills
ZERO-TURN, OFF-ROAD-READY WHEELCHAIR

So, after getting mesmerized by the Battlecry snippet last week, I went ahead and tivoed the entire CNN “God’s Warriors” mini-series. I must admit Christiane Amanpour does a great job making all three major religions look coo-coo.

Although, the Evangelical Christians are clearly the winners (which is probably why she saved that episode for last). How, you might ask, could a group of American Christians possibly be crazier than Israeli settlers and Islamic suicide bombers? Well, at least when insane Jews and Muslims go to war, those wars are real. Oh, also, Jewish minstrel shows:

If you didn’t catch that, the hoe-down version of Hava Nagilah goes a little something like this:

Hava Nagilah, Hava Nagilah…
Hava Nagilah, Hava Nagilah…
Chickens in the barnyard pickin’ up grain.
Goin’ about things the southern way.
Next year in Jerusalem. V’nism’cha! Wooo!
(fiddle solo)

BTW, that minister is so tight! He just loves Israel. So much so that he built his own wailing wall and even wrote his own Nostradamus book about Jesus slaying the all the Jews on Judgement Day.

I got a lot to say about this, but I don’t want to get all Marc Maron on your asses.

I got asked to be the last-minute host for tonight’s Heeb Storytelling Session. It’s part of the Diamond Days Music Festival and will take place in a Polish church in Brooklyn. Or something? More info below.

Heeb Storytelling
Friday, July 20th
The Church of the Messiah: 129 Russell Street (between Nassau and Driggs)
Greenpoint, Brooklyn
7pm, $10

Hosted by: Joe Mande
Featuring: Gabe and Jenny, Max Silvestri, Adira Amram, and Esther Ku 

I. Lewis Scooter Libby was granted clemency by President Bush yesterday, thus insuring that the former chief of staff to the Vice President will not have to serve any of his 30 month prison sentence for perjury and obstruction of justice in the CIA leak investigation.

A lot of people are upset about this, especially the Democratic presidential candidates. 

“This is exactly the kind of politics we must change so we can begin restoring the American people’s faith in a government.” - Barack Obama

“The cause of equal justice in America took a serious blow today.” - John Edwards

“Today’s decision is yet another example that this Administration simply considers itself above the law.” - Hillary Clinton

“This coffee made me farty! (followed by 40 seconds of growling)” - Mike Gravel

Part of me feels this is a miscarriage of justice. One of many this administration has perpetrated since stealing the election in 2000. However, I have to admit it’s comforting to know that in America, if sleazy Jew makes enough friends, he won’t ever have to spend a day in prison. That’s all someone like me can hope for.

Time Magazine has a story this week about the “new action heroes” of American politics: Michael Bloomberg and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

This is the picture from the article:

Which is eerily similar to a picture I found of their fathers, taken 55 years ago in Austria:

Fun fact about the Governor of California #1: His dad was a Nazi. 

Fun fact about the Governor of California #2: His wife is a Kennedy and also the cryptkeeper.

Oh yeah? Well, how about you shut the fuck up before I put a hole in your big bald head, you stupid Jew.

He a G.D., yo! Get him!

Oh, and speaking of gang signs…

When I was in High School in Minnesota, there were a bunch of rival gangs. My favorite was by far the Gangster Disciples (G.D.s for short) because this was their gang sign:

Seriously. A Star of David…with pitchforks coming out of it.

Every bathroom stall at my school looked like this:

It was literally the only place in the world where you’d catch yourself wondering, “Hmmm…I wonder who did that graffiti? A real-life gang member or an artistic Jew?”

The best part about it was that all the G.D. gang members wore big Jewish Stars around their necks. Proudly. It was amazing. Baggy clothes, neck tattoos, and a Star of David swinging from their chains. I don’t know how many Judaica stores those dudes robbed, but they were decked out in some of the finest temple gift shop items money could buy. (Or not buy, obvz.)

Wait, no. I take that back. The best part was definitely the behavior of rival gangs. Because the rival gangs only knew Stars of David in the context of gang warfare. So, for a while, little Jewish kids all over the Twin Cities kept getting beaten up because retarded gang members were mistaking them for G.D.’s.

Believe me, that was a scary time in my life. Most the kids I knew traded in their stars for chais. Nothing was more frightening to me than the thought of being mistaken for a G.D.

“Hey! You a G.D., nigga? I’mma fuck you up!”

“Someone cap dat G.D. before he gets into orbit!”

“Yo! Fuck that cat up! He a G.D.!”

“Why the G.D.’s always gotta have the best Air Force in the world, son?”

The Washington Times is reporting that New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg is prepared to spend up to a billion dollars of his own money if and when he decides to enter the 2008 presidential race as an independent candidate.

$1 billion dollars. And not a cent more.

Here’s the campaign poster:

A divorced billionaire Jew running for president. That shouldn’t scare too many people. He might as well make Flava Flav his running mate.

Although, truthfully, I think a billion dollars might just be enough money to win over some unlikely voters. Like a couple of farmers having a beer after a long day’s work.

“You know, I’ll tell you this, I don’t trust the Jews. And I think New York City is a filthy place full of queers. And I know he wants to kill babies and all that. But, gee whiz, if a man wants to spend a billion dollars of his own money to be President, then that’s gotta tell you somethin’.”
“MmmmHmmmm”
“Hoo-wee! That Jew must really want it bad! A billion dollars? That’s nine zeroes right there!”
“Mmmhmmm.”
“If I had a billion dollars, I wouldn’t be no Jewish president, I’ll to you that much. No, I’d have me a swimming pool full of Coors, a KFC right there in the shed, and my very own Nascar track made of solid gold and black diamonds.”
“Get ‘er done.” 

Bloomberg has over $700,000 worth of whimsical yarmulkes.

Best quote in the article:

“Bloomberg is H. Ross Perot on steroids”

You know who else is Ross Perot on steroids? Any billionaire over three feet tall.

On a similar note, I read that Al Franken is trailing incumbent Norm Coleman by 22 points in the battle to be the Jewish Senator of Minnesota.

I don’t know how much it’ll help, but I’d like to go on the record and officially endorse Al Franken in his bid for Senator. As a crabby Jewish comedian from Minnesota, I can’t think of anyone more qualified to be a US Senator than another crabby Jewish comedian from Minnesota.

Not to mention that Norm Coleman is an evil snake and his son is a little fucking punk. True story.  

The more I fight it, the worse it gets. I’m becoming such a New York Jew.

Case in point: I bought a New York Knicks hat this weekend. I don’t even like the Knicks (in fact, the almost-but-not-really dream team of Ewing, Oakley, Starks, etc. was probably my least favorite anything of the Nineties). No, I got the hat because it was only $4.50.

Then I talked the dude down to $3.75.

Beeteedubz, Happy passover!

I’m sad youtube didn’t exist when I was in high school.

Some friends, my girlfriend, and I went to my parent’s house for Passover seder, and the entire dinner conversation was this:
“There is no archaeological proof Jews were even in Egypt.”
“Seriously. Jews weren’t slaves.”
“Can you imagine a bunch of Jews building a pyramid?”
“Building anything.”
“Ikea furniture.”
“We didn’t build the pyramids. Maybe we designed them, but we didn’t build them.”
“You’re upsetting your mother.”

Speaking of Seders, don’t you wish someone would make the movie Twister, but with the ten biblical plagues?

I haven’t been this excited for a Hilary Swank movie since:

Cut to: ten years later, winner of 2 Oscars.

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Tefillin Barbie. No question I’d hit that.

Well, maybe through a hole in a sheet.

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