I just read that yesterday, for Valentine’s Day, a man proposed marriage to a woman by using an LOLcat. I also read that when the North Pole melts, everyone will drown and we’ll all deserve it.

Apparently, she said yes. But, to be fair, the woman does look like this.

To my friends and family:

Before I say anything else, I just want tell you all that I love you. Or, rather, I loved you. So much. This wasn’t anyone’s fault but my own. You’ve meant the world to me. Everything I was was because of you. I’ll cherish each and every moment I spent with you, the good times and the bad, for all of eternity.

Unfortunately, the time has come for me to say goodbye. I’m sorry it had to end like this. Please try to understand. I’ve tried so hard. So hard pretending to be something I’m not. Almost an entire year, living a lie. Living in agony. Fighting the urges. Ignoring the voice in my head that kept yelling, “DO IT, JOE! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO! JUST DO IT AND GET IT OVER WITH!”

I tried to be strong, but I guess I wasn’t quite strong enough.

The urge overtook me. I lost control. And now I’ll never see any of you again.

Last night, I bought a Nintendo Wii from the Toys R Us on Broadway. It’s everything I dreamed it would be. But, because no one ever wants to come to Queens, and I don’t plan on ever leaving my apartment again, I guess this means goodbye. It was a pleasure having known all of you. I’ll always love you. I couldn’t go on living a lie. This was how it had to end. I wish you all long and happy lives. And even though I won’t be here with you anymore in person, just remember that I’m in a happier place now (and that place is Super Mario Galaxy).

I’m so sorry. Wii is so tight.

Yours in spirit,

Joe

PS: I named my console “Joe Mandwii,” so I should probz go ahead and kill myself for realsies.

Sometimes I think to myself, “I wish there was a show on TV, a documentary, about a Hollywood actor going abroad to search for spiritual enlightenment. Preferably an actor from the worst show on television. An actor with thinning hair who was also a GAP model and is sometimes in rap videos for no explainable reason.”

Well, guess what? It happened! And it’s in H-muthafuckin’-D, kid!

I’m speaking, of course, of the Discovery HD program called “Jeremy Piven’s Journey of a Lifetime.” It follows the 42 year-old Emmy-award winning star of Entourage, as he travels the subcontinent to finally experience the semester abroad he never got to have as a kid. And we’re all invited along for the ride (in HIGH DEFINITION, no less)!

My favorite part of JP’S JL was when Jeremy Piven visits a temple in Rishikesh, India, and decides to get intensely gay with his new Hindu homeboy, Swami G.

Uhm…is this a TV show? Or the “Introduction to Travel Writing” course I took at Emerson College? Because, seriously, this shit needs some serious peer review and revision.

I love it when he’s like:

“At the end of the river Ganges, I found a sense of peace. A sense of balance I have never felt. This was totally unexpected and unplanned.”

“…it was, like, out of the blue. A complete coincidence that there was a camera crew was following my every move. So weird.”

“Right now I just feel the current of the river Ganges. I kind of feel that current still, in a weird way, flowing. I feel lighter. I mean, if you to say what was the defining moment of this trip, that would definitely be it. That makes it a journey of a lifetime.”

“…a journey of a lifetime I just so happened to executive produce, thank you very much.”

What a douche. And asking Swami G for a mantra? In front of all the cameras? Bad manners, much?

Swami G. is tight, though.

Actually, I think the blooper reel at the end was the worst/best part. (Spoiler alert: he’s the blooper.) Piven clearly had a catchphrase he wanted integrated into the show, but guess what? It’s terribly embarrassing. Also, watch as he somehow manages to be condescending to a monkey.

Thing is, JP, most people can’t be a traveler. Because most people can’t be a movie premium cable TV star.

Jeremy Piven is like that dude at the end of 12 Monkeys, except he’s spreading his PLIPPS all over the world.

I really hope Journey of a Lifetime 2 takes him to Iraq.

Addendum: I’ve been informed that this show first aired months ago, which means what I saw was a rerun. That makes it so much worse.

Wow. Ok. So, last night’s show was insane. Thanks so much to everyone who came out. “Magical” is the only word to describe what happened. Lives were changed.

If you missed the show, please let me first tell you how sorry I am that your parents died (for that’s the only reason I can think of for not coming). Here’s a short re-cap: Noah and I showed our audition tape for the upcoming Notorious B.I.G. movie, Gabe and Jenny told a hilarious haunted Hollywood Halloween tale, Max Silvestri wined n’ dined the crowd with his patented jokes n’ quips^tm, and, as always, Greg Johnson crushed. Oh, also, Brett Gelman put on the single most amazing performance done by any human being on any stage anywhere. (No hyperbole.) The man got a standing ovation. At Rififi.

I recorded Brett’s performance with my iPod. You know, just for myself to have and hold and cherish. I listened to the mp3 on the train this morning, and, despite the fact that the sound quality is quite terrible, it still made me snarf coffee all over myself twice. Because of this, I have decided to share the 1000 Cats mp3 with the rest of the world. No matter how shitty it sounds.

Obviously, the grainy, cavernous audio doesn’t do 1000 Cats justice at all. Not even 1/1000^th of 1% of its justice. But, it’s the best I can do…and apparently the best that you could do too.

So, here. Enjoy.

You’re welcome.

Paul Wellstone. 5 years dead today.

The Sandy Koufax of politicians. (Sandy Koufax sang “La Bamba,” right?)

Addendum:

Noah and I are coming to Boston tomorrow to participate in a Vice Magazine/Dewar’s Scotch Debate. The topic will be ”Meat vs. Veggie.” It should be really fun. We will be very hip and very drunk. So, if you live in Massachusetts and love me and/or Noah, and/or fake debates, and/or free comedy, and/or free booze, you should come check it out.

A poster:

(more…)

I’m not normally a gossip, but I have some very juicy inside-info about a new HOLLYWOOD POWER COUPLE!

My sources* tell me that skanktress Lindsey Lohan is bedding the best rapper alive, Lil’ Wayne!

Move over, TomKat and Brangelina! It’s Lindl’ Wayhan! It’s a match made in heaven prison.

My sources* tell me that this relationship is the real deal, people. They are totes goo-goo-ga-ga for each other. And when they’re apart, they go so far as to coordinate their felony arrests! How romantic is that? Like, last night Lindsay got busted for drunk driving and cocaine possession in Santa Monica while Lil’ Wayne getting charged for gun possession in New York City. TOO CUTE!

A Santa Monica Police representative said that ”Lindsay looks really happy,” and “Cocaine was found in her pants pocket.” 

Meanwhile, an NYPD officer told me privately that, ”Lil’ Wayne wants to marry that girl,” and “Another person, so far uncharged, stuffed 7 pounds of marijuana down the tour bus’ toilet as officers approached.”

Are those wedding bells I hear? No, wait, sorry. Those are sirens.

(Thanks to Greg Johnson for the Drudge sirens.)

Besides substance abuse problems, they both have daddy issues too!

For real, though, please let me know if/when ”FREE WEEZY” t-shirts become available on-line, because I’m going to want to order at least ten of them.

*= wishful imagination