Shocking news today. As reported by mediatakeout.com (a.k.a. “The Most Visited Black Website in the World” (a.k.a. my “homepage”)), actress/comedienne Mo’Nique has been accused by her ex-husband of taking, and even selling, cocaine. This was his quote:
Not only was [Mo'Nique] an avid marijuana user, but she also did cocaine. And what’s worse, she began making money dealing coke … [After we separated] Mo’Nique threatened my life! She said if I ever told anyone about her lifestyle, she’d hire someone to kill me.
This is how I think it went down:
Mo’Nique: “If you ever, and I mean EVER, tell anyone that I’m a fat disgusting slob with an overabundance of fraudulent self-confidence, I’ll hire someone to kill you.”
Mo’Nique’s ex-husband: “Yikes. I just asked you what you wanted on your pizza.”
Mo’Nique: “Oh, my bad! Could you ask them to put ten other pizzas on my pizza? Thanks.”
That’s actually a excerpt from the new Mo’Nique biopic I just wrote and directed. Here’s the poster:
It’s kind of homage to DiPalma’s classic, except re-done using the real-life story of Mo’Nique, who plays herself in the film. This is the basic plot: We see a young Mo’Nique (short for “More Unique”…just kidding, it means nothing) making her way through the biz, using her wit and heft to eventually take control of the UPN. Then one day, she buys a bunch of cocaine thinking it’s just very expensive powdered sugar. But, after her donuts do nothing but numb the inside of her mouth, Monique quickly realizes her mistake. She mixes the remaining cocaine with poison and sells it all back to a bunch of skinny bitches, who are all soon killed by the concoction (justly, in Monique’s opinion). She then takes the drug money and buys a ton (2000 lbs.) of regular, inexpensive powdered sugar and lives happily ever after. She also farts a lot. (The first draft was actually called ‘Fartface,’ but we went with ‘Scarf-face’ because Tyler Perry thought it made more sense because she scarfs so much food into her fat face.)
I think it’s going to be an awesome movie. Here’s a sneak preview:
Posted in Ass, Cuhcaine, Divorce, EEEEK, Fat, Food, Guts, Hollywood, Monsters | 1 Comment »
Wednesday, December 19th, 2007
Alright. Alright. I admit it. I’m back on the Huckabee bandwagon.
Last week I said I was voting for Tom Tancredo (who I still think is the most qualified and best looking of all the candidates), but right now it doesn’t look like his campaign has much of a chance, which is a shame because he seems to be the only person running who knows the danger of Mexican Jihadists who like to go on shopping mall rampages.
Huckabee, meanwhile, is surging and looking more and more presidential everyday. And by “presidential” I mean “like a deflated tire.” (If Huckabee wins, it’ll be just like my screenplay President Thinner, which was an unauthorized sequel to Steven King’s Thinner combined with a retelling of the 1995 classic The American President.) I’ll listen to any candidate who has overcome morbid obesity. I’ll consider anyone in favor of AIDS colonies. And I’ll fucking endorse any man with a fat ugly son who likes to lynch stray dogs in the woods at Boy Scout camp.
This is a picture of Fat Mike Huckabee next to Skinny Mike Huckabee:
And here’s one of Skinny Mike Huckabee next to a sea turtle:
I really love the new campaign ad from Huckabee. Some people say he’s trying to subliminally use Christian religious symbolism, but I don’t see it.
I have no idea what you’re talking about. There’s nothing creepily religious about that at all.
Here’s Mike Huckabee on MSNBC addressing the “floating cross” controversy:
Mike Huckabee:
“It is a bookshelf people. A. Book. Shelf…Actually, what you didn’t catch was with my eyes I was signaling…a very secret code to all the Evangelicals out there.”
Actually, Governor Thiiiiinnennneeeeeerrrrrrrr, I did catch that.
Posted in AIDS, Crazy Christianz, Dogs, Fat, Monsters, Red States, Uncategorized, War on Terrorism | No Comments »
Thursday, October 18th, 2007
Last night, during a concert in Boulder, Colorado, singer Annie Lennox panicked and rushed off-stage after seeing a man in the audience wearing a gas-mask and black cape.
“A fellow who was dressed in a black cape, platform boots and a gas mask approached the stage. Lennox saw him coming and threw down her microphone and went backstage.”
Wow. That’s so creepy. Seriously. There’s probably nothing in the entire world scarier than a weirdo in gas-mask.
Oh, wait…Annie Lennox. Annie Lennox is much, much scarier than a weirdo in a gas-mask.
What a freak.
BTW, here’s my recipe for homemade Annie Lennox:
2 cups lesbian vampire
1 cup Darfur refugee (bleached)
3/4 cup french prostitute
1/2 cup nursing home grandmother
1/2 cup David Bowie
10 shredded carrots
4 bats (or 6 dried bats)
1 VHS cassette Rosemary’s Baby
2 tbsp. velociraptor
2 Rubik’s cubes
1 Zorro mask
1 leather sex whip
1 bay leaf
salt and pepper (to taste)
Combine ingredients in a food processor, 8-10 pulses. Add mixture into a Crock Pot with 3 cups of water. Turn on and leave stewing in a dark cave for 100 years.
After the jump, see a picture of Annie Lennox taken immediately after she ate comedian Dave Chappelle…
(more…)
Posted in Aliens, Barf, EEEEK, Fear, Foreigners, Monsters, The healing power of music, who cares? | No Comments »
Friday, September 21st, 2007
Evolution? Really, RG? Good call on that one. Because gun nuts love science terms.
Here’s a transcript of his speech:
“Good morning, NRA. Thank you for inviting me today. I believe guns came from monkeys. 9-11, 9-11, 9-11. Vote for me. (fart noise)”
He didn’t actually say that. But…sort of.
Posted in Apocalypse, Barf, Crazy Christianz, Fear, Guns, Monsters, Politics, Primates, Red States, TGIF, U got PLIPPS, Violence, War on Terrorism | No Comments »
Wednesday, August 1st, 2007
The official trailer for Yeti: A Love Story came out today.
So. Fucking. Embarrassing.
I seriously want to kill myself after watching that. But, if I did, my participation in that movie would be the last thing I ever got onto IMDB. And, therefore, I must carry on.
Here’s the description that went along with it:
It’s “King Kong” meets “Brokeback Mountain” in “Yeti: A Love Story”, a gay themed horror-comedy about a homicidal and wildly homosexual mountain yeti!
Me: “Seriously, Dad, just because I’m in a movie about a gay bigfoot who rapes boys in the woods, that doesn’t make me gay.”
My Dad: “…”
Me: “I don’t even get raped in the movie. I get shot in stomach as I run through the woods in my underwear.”
My Dad: “…”
Me: “To get away from the gay bigfoot!”
My sincerest congratulations to Adam and E-Rock for getting national distribution on Yeti. I just wish you guys would please go back and pixelate my face out.
Posted in Achievement, Drugs, Drunk, EEEEK, Faggotron, Fear, Friends!, Fucking, Gayz, Guts, Heartbreak, History, How about that weather?, Meat, Monsters, Other belief systems, Pain, Penis, Poop, R.I.P., Video, Violence, who cares? | No Comments »
Monday, July 2nd, 2007
Did you hear about that Chris Benoit guy who strangled his whole family and killed himself last week? Yikes! Who saw that coming?
Weird, he looks super stable.
This quote was in Time Magazine:
He then added, “I mean, Chris was normal guy…who took steroids and strangled people for money. That’s the Chris I know. But, going berserk and choking those close to him? I just don’t see it.”
Posted in Autism, Drugs, EEEEK, Family, Million$, Monsters, R.I.P., Suicide, Violence | 1 Comment »
