Okay! Okay! I take it back! I want to be Jewish again. Sorry! What are you going to do sue me?…What, really? You will?

A few days ago, I got so enamored by the evangelical website www.godtube.com, that my faith began to waver a bit. Thankfully, my good friend Ethan just informed me about www.jewtube.com (motto: “Here’s Looking at Jew!”) and, needless to say, I’m back!

Jewtube is so awesome!!! It’s all the mirth and wonderment of Judaism broken up into literally hundreds of exciting, easy-to-watch viral videos.

This one is called “Chanukah Party.”

PAAAARRRRTYYYYYYY!!!! So jealous. That place was bumping. So insaaane. Almost NSFW. Speaking of, have you ever wondered what a fully erected (LOL!) sukkah looked like? Check this out:

(Warning, you might need your inhaler, because this vid is action packed.)

The one and only comment for that video:

THAT’S INTERESTING!

Here’s a Rabbi talking about sex. Kind of? I dare you to watch more than a minute. I couldn’t.

That Rabbi has uploaded like 400 videos on Jewtube. I bet he makes over 100K a year.

(Other must-sees include “Bat Mitzvah Borat” and “Purim Rap.”)

PS: Come to Totally JK tonight!

SHOWALTER! OLD SPRINGS PIKE! GREGJOHNSONONLINE.BLOGSPOT.COM!!!! This one is not to miss, folks!

A while back, I wrote about how afraid I was of Vladimir Putin’s state-sponsored militia of brainwashed teenage Internet hackers, known as “Nashis“ (named after an organic but very racist type of Russian breakfast cereal).

Well, after watching this special report on CNN, let me just say that I feel much safer now:

What. The. Fuck.

TWEEN: “Hey Mom, can I have like $60?”
MOM: “For what, dear?”
TWEEN: “There’s this really awesome show at the arena I want to see.”
MOM: “Now, you know how I feel about rock n’ roll…”
TWEEN: “It’s not a rock show, Mom.”
MOM: “Well, what is it then?”
TWEEN: “It’s Battlecry.”
MOM: “And what is this ‘Battlecry’?”
TWEEN: “Well it’s kind of like a rock show…”
MOM: “I don’t like the sooound of thiiiis.”
TWEEN: “…but instead of music, there’s this local news sportscaster guy, and he yells at everyone about how much Jesus hates abortions.”
MOM: “Oh, that sounds like fun.”
TWEEN: “Yeah! And fireworks go off. And there are these lunatics running around with flags. And every one’s crying and praying.” 
MOM: “Wow! Hand me my purse, we’re both going!” 
TWEEN: “Eeeew! Are you kidding me? I can’t go to Battlecry with my mom! That’s so embarrassing.”
MOM: “Why?”
TWEEN: “You had your chance, Mom! This is my war!”

Quick poll: Who would win an all out fight to the death? Battlecryers or Nashis?

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The official trailer for Yeti: A Love Story came out today.

So. Fucking. Embarrassing.

I seriously want to kill myself after watching that. But, if I did, my participation in that movie would be the last thing I ever got onto IMDB. And, therefore, I must carry on.

Here’s the description that went along with it:

It’s “King Kong” meets “Brokeback Mountain” in “Yeti: A Love Story”, a gay themed horror-comedy about a homicidal and wildly homosexual mountain yeti!

Me: “Seriously, Dad, just because I’m in a movie about a gay bigfoot who rapes boys in the woods, that doesn’t make me gay.”
My Dad: “…”
Me: “I don’t even get raped in the movie. I get shot in stomach as I run through the woods in my underwear.”  
My Dad: “…”
Me: “To get away from the gay bigfoot!”

My sincerest congratulations to Adam and E-Rock for getting national distribution on Yeti. I just wish you guys would please go back and pixelate my face out.

Consider the following:

1. Anti-freeze toothpaste.
2. Cardboard dumplings.
3. Babies full of needles.
4. Dragon bone consumption.
5. Really bad headaches.
6. 2 billion rats.
7. No Simpsons.
8. Organ harvest prisons.
9. Dog holocaust.
10. Slave kids.
11. Old lady penguin feet.
12. Molten metal accidents.
13. Cyborg pigeons.
14. Faulty penis transplants.
15. Blood-red poop rivers.

No thank you.

Woo: (transitive verb) To seek the affection of with intent to romance.

Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney on Friday told hundreds of anti-abortion activists that his conversion to their cause is genuine

…and that the way they were all looking at him was making him hard.

Romney’s speech was interrupted several times by applause

…and moaning.

He then fed the crowd chocolate-dipped strawberries and complimented their bodies.

After the speech, Romney gave away copies of his new book:

Page Six is reporting that John Travolta’s son, Jett, most likely has autism.

Which would normally be a whatever story in my book. But, apparently, Scientologists don’t believe in autism (because they’re too busy believing in psychotic bullshit), so the Travoltas have been hiding their disabled son from the public for last few years, like a boy in a plastic bubble, waiting for him to snap out of it.

According to the Church of Scientology, people with mental illnesses are “degraded” and capable of curing themselves by working harder on the church’s teachings.

That’s it. He just needs to work harder.

I don’t have any problem with people converting to Scientology. They just shouldn’t be allowed to reproduce. Or make 20 mill a movie.

Here’s an interesting tidbit from Travolta’s IMBD trivia section:

“Jett was conceived during a weekend at the home of Demi Moore and Bruce Willis.”

No wonder that kid is fucked up. If being conceived by a dispicable celebrity power couple in the bed belonging to another dispicabl celebrity power couple didn’t give a kid autism, then having that information published on the Internet might just do it.

Or maybe he got autism the moment his dad named him “Jett.”

John Travolta named his son after his favorite toy. Jett. How gross is that? If my dad did that when I was born, my name would have been “Shortwave Radio Mande.”

Hey! Want to see something that will make you want to kill yourself? Check this out:

=$191,500,000.00 (+Profit Points)

That’s how much money John Travolta has made from every movie he’s been in since Pulp Fiction. And that doesn’t even include Wild Hogs!

AAAAAAAAH! I’m so upset!

I wish there was some way of gauging how stressed out I get thinking about John Travolta.

Former Creed front man and Christian rock bad boy, Scott Stapp, was arrested yesterday on domestic assault charges at his home in Boca Raton, Florida.

Yikes! Look at those mean eyes. And the way his muscle T prominently shows off his tribal crucifix tattoo? Oh man, Stapp is a beast! I wouldn’t even think about messing with a dude like that. Domestic assault? Forget it. I bet he decimated his wife. I bet he caved her face in. I bet–

“No one was injured and no one was taken to the hospital,” a Sheriff’s Office spokesman.

Can you say “instant street cred”?

Here’s Scott Stapp meeting his cellmate:

“Hey, you’re that guy from Creed, aren’t you?”
“Yeah. Big frickin’ whoop.”
“What are you doing in prison, man?”
“A frickin’ domestic assault charge.”
“Oh, so you beat your wife?”
“Nope. Didn’t even come close.”

That’s his wife. You can tell she doesn’t regret a single decision she’s made in the last two years.

Stapp fact: Scott Stapp was arrested for public intoxication at the airport on the way to his honeymoon. Months later, that poor woman had his baby.

Imagine if this was your husband: 

I bet she called the cops yesterday because she just realized she had a baby with Scott Stapp. Not only is that a form of domestic assault in itself, it’s also at least two counts of manslaughter, because her life is over and so is their daughter’s.

Stapp Fact: Scott Stapp was featured on the Passion of the Christ soundtrack. He was also beaten up in a hotel lobby by the band 311.

Seriously, how do you get arrested in Boca Raton, Florida for almost-but-not-quite beating your wife? That’s so embarrassing.

You know who else lives in Boca Raton, Florida? My grandma, Mimi.

This is Mimi, next to her doppelganger, Carol Channing:

Granted, she is a bit frail, and usually has a ton of turquoise jewelry weighing her down, but I know for a fact that Mimi would land at least one solid punch before getting arrested for domestic assault. (Charges were eventually dropped.)

In conclusion, my Mimi could kick the shit out of Scott Stapp.

And…my sister looks like Raven Symone.

Did you guys hear that Johnny Hart died?

Who’s Johnny Hart? Uhm…only the man behind B.C., arguably the best and most important funny-pages comic of all time.

Let’s take a look at the man’s classics (click to enlarge):

LOL! It’s a menorah slowly turning into a cross, through the magical dying words of Jesus Christ! Hahaha! That. Is. Too. Much!

Two Wongs don’t make a Wright? What? Oh! Hahaha! Because Chinese people are inferior to Wh(r)ite people. What’s that called? Observational humor? Oh, right, a terrible pun.

Someone had to explain that one to me. The outhouse doesn’t stink because it’s full of raw sewage. No, you see, it stinks because it has a crescent moon on the door, which is a symbol of Islam. And Islam, as we all know, smells exactly like caveman shit and urine. ROTF!

Mr Hart’s wife, Bobby, said he died of a stroke on Saturday while working at his New York home.

 ”He died at his storyboard,” she told the Associated Press.

Here’s the unfinished storyboard right here:

The punchline will forever remain a mystery.

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