Barack Obama clinched the Democratic Party’s nomination last night, which was sort of exciting. I guess. Though, for me, yesterday’s most newsworthy political story was this: George Lucas endorses Barack Obama. Do you know that means? Nothing. But, I bet so many Ron Paul supporters are feeling conflicted right now.

While in Japan promoting his new movie Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull that Belongs to an Alien, Yeah, That’s Right, This Movie is About Aliens, Don’t Worry, It’s Okay Because the Aliens Aren’t From Outer Space, But Rather the Space Between Spaces, Lucas told reporters:

“We have a hero in the making back in the United States today because we have a new candidate for president of the United States, Barack Obama…[Obama], for all of us that have dreams and hope, is a hero.”

He then added, “But get this…he HATES snakes!”

I hope the Obama campaign considers hiring George Lucas as an adviser. His genius would work well inside the realm of public service.

So, the other night I was watching this youtube of Keith Olbermann ranting about Hillary Clinton:

And, like an idiot, I totally left my webcam on:

(Big ups to Friend #3116)

In an attempt to solve a large shortfall in the state budget, legislatures in California are trying to put a tax on pornography. According to the article I read, this is the reason they think the tax will work:

“Many economists believe that pornography is an industry with inelastic demand — meaning market conditions typically don’t affect consumers’ desire for the product.”

“Inelastic demand.” Really? Inelastic? As in, hard? As in, the demand for porn is always hard? Gross.

“In other words, it is believed that most porn consumers would continue to buy regardless of how much it cost.”

Really? Let’s ask a porn consumer how he feels about the California porn tax:

(Classic Mande .gif!)

I wonder how Arnold Schwarzenegger came up the porn tax idea…

That man is a governor.

The winning horse was a massive thoroughbred named “Big Brown.” Big Brown won the race quite convincingly, by a measure of nearly 5 lengths.

Earlier that day, Presidential candidate Barack Obama chose Big Brown to be the winner.

The runner-up in the Derby was a female horse named “Eight Belles.” Despite an impressive and gutsy performance, Eight Belles could only muster a distant second place finish. Also, immediately afterwards, she had to be euthanized on the track because of a fatal injury incurred during the race.

Earlier that day, Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton chose Eight Belles to be the winner.

(There were also 18 other horses in the race, but metaphorically speaking, none of them really matter.)

OMG U GUYZ!! Alicia Keys finally came out of the closet! The Black Panther closet! Because she’s a Black Panther.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that!!!

I mean, it’s great. Good for her. It takes a lot of courage to say publicly, “Look, I think the government was behind the assassinations of Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G and that white people created ‘gangsta rap’ as a ploy to get young black men to kill each other. And I’ve felt these feelings ever since I was a little girl!”

Crazy. I totally didn’t expect this announcement. I mean, she doesn’t really look like a Black Panther, does she? In my opinion, Alicia Keys looks more like a white girl who just got back from a long spring break in Cancun.

Also, she’s a lesbian.

Considering that 95% of my website is about how much I love Lil’ Wayne and how much I hate Hillary Clinton, it’s pretty clear that my two favorite non-pizza things in this world are hip-hop music and American politics. Nothing makes me more excited when these two things come together.

This story just hit the wires and it’s great:

Really 50? You can’t make up your mind?

I guess you don’t really have to be loyal to any one specific candidate when you’re…a convicted felon. He’s a felon, right? Isn’t that his “thing”? He better be! That’s why I bought his first album.

This is the best sentence in the article:

After hearing Obama’s stunning speech on race in America earlier this month, the rapper pulled what is now commonly known in political circles as a “Bill Richardson.”

Exactly. For those of you who don’t know, pulling a “Bill Richardson” is when you buy a bunch of stock in Vitamin Water, get caught snorting coke on Croatian television, and then grow an embarrassing beard.

50 Cent is the worst. I’d totally tell him that to his face.

Look, you guys! I just made this:

April fools! (I’m not that good at Garageband!)

A lot of people are criticizing Hillary Clinton’s newest campaign advertisement, saying she’s using a cheap and desperate scare tactic to garner the last-minute votes of undecided stupid people. Frankly, I disagree. I think it’s her best and most truthful ad to date.

She’s the worst.

Get it? Because those people love rice!

(Thanks Noah!)

I was reading the news this morning, because I enjoy stories of black men beating white women (especially when the white woman deserves it). There’s an article on ABCnews.com that describes just how desperate and pathetic the Hillary Clinton campaign has become.

“For Hillary Clinton in particular, this week is do or die…Camp Clinton is hoping for a swing in the pendulum of media sympathy and scrutiny — and they hope every reporter in the country saw the opening skit in the return of Saturday Night Live.”

Really? Why doesn’t she ask all the reporters in the country to water-board themselves while they’re at it? Because, yikes, that shit was terrrrrible.

The best part of the article though, had to be its accompanying picture, seen here:

It’s Hillary the Hillariveter! That is so Hillarelevant! Good job, Clinton fans. Nothing attracts the youth vote more than photoshopping your candidate’s face onto WWII propaganda. Idiots. Y’all just got PLIPP’d.

I mean, if you’re going to do it, fucking do it. Here are some posters I made for the Hillary campaign:

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