I’ve been too busy writing ransom notes:

(thanks Matt)

For the past few months, I’ve been getting free issues of Complex Magazine in the mail. I have no idea why or how they started showing up, but I know for a fact I’m not paying for them. So weird. The first time it came, I actually tried reading it while I was on the toilet. But I had to stop because it made me so stupid I forgot how to poop. Since then, I’ve promptly thrown the magazine in the garbage as soon as I took it out of my mailbox. The end.

…or is it?

When I got the December/January issue yesterday, something about the cover story intrigued me…

Hmmm…let’s see…is Lil’ Wayne crazy? I don’t know. But, considering your pull quote is “I’m a Martian, and if you understand me then you’re Jesus Christ,” I’m going to go ahead and say YES. Yes, Lil Wayne is crazy.

Want more proof? Read the following quotes from Lil’ Wayne’s retarded extensive interview with Complex Magazine (note: they’re unbelievable):

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Thanks to all the people who came out to Totally J/K (and Crash Test) last night. It was certainly a Labor Day for the ages.

For those of you who missed it, Noah and I presented this incredibly topical and important video, entitled: “Bathroom Body Language.” Please enjoy…

Related video: “Teamwork”

Senior Idaho Senator Larry Craig stepped down as Senatorial liaison for the Mitt Romney presidential campaign yesterday after it was discovered that he was arrested for “lewd conduct” in the Minneapolis/St. Paul International Airport back in June.

Artist’s interpretation:

You can read the article here. It’s pretty amazing, although I must say I wish the cop was a little more descriptive regarding the “lewd conduct” the Senator was looking to participate in. Because, right now, the whole encounter reads like a Benny Hill sketch. There’s a lot of confused, horny pantomime.

Related story: Mitt Romney’s romance novels

The official trailer for Yeti: A Love Story came out today.

So. Fucking. Embarrassing.

I seriously want to kill myself after watching that. But, if I did, my participation in that movie would be the last thing I ever got onto IMDB. And, therefore, I must carry on.

Here’s the description that went along with it:

It’s “King Kong” meets “Brokeback Mountain” in “Yeti: A Love Story”, a gay themed horror-comedy about a homicidal and wildly homosexual mountain yeti!

Me: “Seriously, Dad, just because I’m in a movie about a gay bigfoot who rapes boys in the woods, that doesn’t make me gay.”
My Dad: “…”
Me: “I don’t even get raped in the movie. I get shot in stomach as I run through the woods in my underwear.”  
My Dad: “…”
Me: “To get away from the gay bigfoot!”

My sincerest congratulations to Adam and E-Rock for getting national distribution on Yeti. I just wish you guys would please go back and pixelate my face out.

Consider the following:

1. Anti-freeze toothpaste.
2. Cardboard dumplings.
3. Babies full of needles.
4. Dragon bone consumption.
5. Really bad headaches.
6. 2 billion rats.
7. No Simpsons.
8. Organ harvest prisons.
9. Dog holocaust.
10. Slave kids.
11. Old lady penguin feet.
12. Molten metal accidents.
13. Cyborg pigeons.
14. Faulty penis transplants.
15. Blood-red poop rivers.

No thank you.

Michael Chertoff, the Bush-appointed Jewgoblin in charge of Homeland Security, said yesterday that he felt the United States was likely to be attacked by terrorists this summer. He didn’t give any specifics, but he did say:

“Summertime seems to be appealing to them.”

(Them=terrorists)

That’s right, terrorists love the summertime! So, stay alert, people! Keep a watchful eye for those sunbathing zealots.

The first and last terrorists are my favs.

But seriously, what makes the head of Homeland Security think our country is susceptible to another major attack?

[Chertoff] indicated that his remarks were based on “a gut feeling” formed by previous patterns of terrorist attacks.

Some in the media have criticized this statement, saying a “gut feeling” isn’t strong enough evidence to validate such a frightening prediction regarding national security.

In response, Chertoff told reporters, “Oh yeah? Explain this, then: On September 10, 2001, I spent the entire day on the toilet with crippling diarrhea. And right before the Madrid train bombings, my acid reflux started acting up. Oh, and I had gallstones when that whole Bali nightclub thing happened. Okay? Please don’t doubt my gut when it comes to predicting the inner-workings of Al-Quada. This is why I make the big bucks.” 

Chertoff went on to say that right before a car bomb detonates in Iraq, he usually makes a “wet, smelly fart.” He later added that his guts have never been good at predicting when thousands of Black people are going to drown.

This weekend I discovered my new favorite TV show:

Man vs. Wild is a Discovery Channel program that teaches viewers how to survive in uninhabited parts of the world if you are a completely insane English person.

Here are two reasons to watch this show.

This:

And this:

What a lunatic. And that’s just from one episode.

His name is Bear, by the way. (As in: a bear.)

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