At Monday night’s Totally JK, Noah and I started the show with a bit that involved me acting out the lyrics to a new R. Kelly “song” called “Real Talk.” (To thunderous applause, obvz.)

Sadly, we did not tape the show and, therefore, there is no video of this monumental performance.

There are, however, a bunch of youtubes of black dudes doing the exact same thing for their webcams.

I have way more influence than even I realize.

(Clearly, the last one is the best. But the fourth video is by a guy named “blackpizza12,” which is what I now plan on naming my firstborn child, boy or girl.)

R. Kelly is so tight.

In a recent interview, he told Hip Hop Soul Magazine (and its 7 subscribers):

“I’m the Ali of today. I’m the Marvin Gaye of today. I’m the Bob Marley of today. I’m the Martin Luther King, or all the other greats that have come before us. And a lot of people are starting to realize that now.”

Finally (finally!) people are starting to realize that R. Kelly is the Martin Luther King of today.

(At first I was going to Photoshop the “Chocolate Factory” album, but then I realized that would be racist.)

Frankly, R. Kelly comparing himself to Martin Luther King is a little ridiculous. I mean, MLK never wrote a song about sex weed. Or the Virginia Tech shootings. Plus, Dr. King had dreams but did nothing with them. Kelly, on the other hand,  takes his dreams and makes them a reality. And if happens to be that dream where he’s peeing on the chest of a teenage girl in some kind of penthouse terrarium, so be it.

Seriously though, what a difference a few years make. Remember back in ‘03, when Kellz was first accused of owning child pornography? Back then he felt a lot less like MLK. In fact, he said:

“Osama bin Laden is the only one who knows exactly what I’m going through.”

(click on that pic to hear the LOLiest song ever.)

Maybe R. Kelly is just a really, really bad Dennis Miller. Or vice versa.

Continuing on the R. Kelly tip, yesterday the New York Magazine website posted this question:

My guess is no. But, if that was a TV show, I’d def watch the shit out of it.

For every major American tragedy, there is an artist who steps up and writes a song that captures the moment, helping us all cope with the profound feelings of loss and devastation. 9-11 had Bruce Springsteen, Hurricane Katrina had U2 & Green Day, and now Virginia Tech has R&B superstar R. Kelly.

R. Kelly, who is an alleged (alleged=video taped) child-molester (molester=used as a toilet), felt moved to compose his tribute after watching the terrible events unfold on TV two weeks ago.

You can listen to the “inspirational” song here: 

My mistake. That’s a different song he wrote called “Sex Weed,” which is about having sex that is so good it’s exactly like smoking weed!!! Sex weed. You know, when the sex is like weed and the weed is like sex?

Sex give me the munchies
And now I wanna eat it up, oh!

Best lyric of all time? (Answer: yes.)

Least appropriate person in the world to write a tribute song to a school shooting? (Also: yes.)

Nooooo, Kellz. You’re the one who wasn’t convicted of a sex crime, remember? How soon we forget. Lay off the sex weed, buddy. 

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