In case you missed it, Noah Garfinkel and I were on The McLaughlin Group last Sunday.

Here’s the video:

Big ups to Matt James, our director and editor.

So, the other night I was watching this youtube of Keith Olbermann ranting about Hillary Clinton:

And, like an idiot, I totally left my webcam on:

(Big ups to Friend #3116)

OMG U GUYZ!! Alicia Keys finally came out of the closet! The Black Panther closet! Because she’s a Black Panther.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that!!!

I mean, it’s great. Good for her. It takes a lot of courage to say publicly, “Look, I think the government was behind the assassinations of Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G and that white people created ‘gangsta rap’ as a ploy to get young black men to kill each other. And I’ve felt these feelings ever since I was a little girl!”

Crazy. I totally didn’t expect this announcement. I mean, she doesn’t really look like a Black Panther, does she? In my opinion, Alicia Keys looks more like a white girl who just got back from a long spring break in Cancun.

Also, she’s a lesbian.

Sorry to go back to the Rock The Cradle thing again (the story just won’t die!), but I still don’t understand why my favorite singer in the world, Ben Taylor, son of James Taylor and Carly Simon, didn’t sign up to be a contestant. He’s madd chill. And he totally owns a MacBookPro.

As well as a trampoline (boing!)

Plus, he’s got an Ab Gazebo that his dad built for him. (Best 30th birthday present ever!!! )

Ben Taylor has written some great songs done so many crunches in that gazebo.

This song is on his myspace. It’s Ben Taylor’s version of Snoop Dogg’s “Sensual Seduction,” screwed & chopped & folk-tified.

I like the little laugh at the very end. You can almost see him rolling his eyes like, “Silly black people…” He should go on tour with these guys.

Anyway, I’m sure his parents are really proud of him. Totally met all expectations. I suppose that’s why he didn’t feel the need to go on MTV. He doesn’t have anything to prove to anyone, least of all his girlfriend (who some say is the prettiest girl in the universe).

(more…)

Get it? Because those people love rice!

(Thanks Noah!)

As some of you may know, I haven’t been online a lot recently because I’m currently on the road with fellow comedian John Mulaney. We’re performing at a bunch of Midwestern colleges; places like St. Joseph’s College in beautiful downtown Rensselaer, Indiana (funny aside: didja know “Rensselaer” is the German word for “methlab?”). But I have to admit, The Road is fucking hard, you guys. It’s seriously so cold outside. Like, it hasn’t gotten above single digits. Plus, everything is covered in ash and all we have to eat is canned peaches. John has done a great job this trip keeping my spirits up while he struggles to push our grocery cart through the muck towards the sea, but sometimes in the mornings I hear him coughing up blood, and it makes me scared. I can’t face these cannibals by myself.

JK! It’s been a lot fun. For me, the highlight of the trip thus far was two nights ago, when we walked into North Central College’s Student Activities Center in Napersville, Illinois. The doors of the facility were decorated with drawings celebrating Martin Luther King Jr’s “I Have A Dream” speech. Adorably racist drawings. It said they were made by third graders asked to summarize MLK’s famous “I Have a Dream” speech, but a part of me thinks that maybe they were actually done by the students of NCC. We’ll never know for sure. No matter what, Dr. King’s dream will live on through these pictures, dissolving in and out as my computer’s screen saver until the end of time.

What’s up, indeed.

Well, no one likes sitting in the back of a roller coaster.

His real dream is white superman? What? Was he having a nightmare?

I don’t think he saw the world in terms of olives OR anchovies. I think MLK saw the world as one big, delicious supreme pizza.

Kids draw the darndest things. (Darndest means insensitive, right? For reals though, how the fuck did those pictures make it out of a classroom? Who is teaching American History to these little monsters, and is like “Olives or Anchovies? That’s an interesting interpretation, Bobby. Very good! I’m sending that one over to the college.” A Nazi-lady, that’s who.)

PS: If you’re in New York, you should go to this tonight. It’s our one-year anniversary.

As many of you (my fans) might imagine, having and maintaining an important and popular weblog such as joemande.com can sometimes feel like a full time job. Every morning, before I watch TV and read the Drudge Report for inspiration, I have to log on to my website and sift through literally thousands of reader comments. I do this despite the fact I could totally get a robot do it for me. Easily. But I don’t; I insist on doing it myself. I believe the major reason I emerged as a true comedic force in New York City in 2007 was because my fans (who are the BEST, by the way) were able to sense my influence, and personally connect with me as a genius, as they read and responded to my website.

Sadly, I’ve come to suspect that many of my “readers” are frauds. Phonies. A bunch of fake-ass posers. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little devastated by this realization.

You may have to look closely, but see if you can tell what’s wrong with the comments I got this morning:

That’s right. Not only are they needlessly repetitive, but they also all have the same IP Address! Can you believe that? Here I am thinking I’m making this personal connection with a slew of new fans–people like Black Pussy Black Lesbian Porn Fat Black Pussy and Anal Sex Anal Bleaching Black Anal–only to discover that they’re all probably written by the same person. A very fat lesbian with a beautifully bleached black ass.

I’m worried that a few of my more dedicated commenters–people like: Big Asian Lactating Tit Boobs, super bowl party decorations, Granny MILF Mom and Son Sex, Impressive grease broadway tickets, and Gay Horse Fuck, might all be pretenders as well. I pray that my worries are eventually proven to be in vain, but let’s just say I’m not optimistic.

Sometimes I wish all of my fans could act like antonio banderas biography? Talk about a classy commenter.

Textbook form: short, positive, complimentary. You can really tell that that book loves reading my blog, not to mention enjoyes hit films.

Proving racism still exists in America, New Hampshire voters made Hillary Clinton the surprise winner of last night’s primary, over Barack the Black Abe Lincoln. Pollsters and pundits had assumed all day long that Obama would carry the state because of the record turnout. But, it turns out the turnout preferred the more experienced Democratic candidate, who campaigns on a promise to use her barfy witch face to bring about certain doom and damnation upon the entire world.

Sorry, was “barfy witch face” too harsh? Explain this, then: