As many of you know, I am a part-time political cartoonist.

So, anyway…last week I drew a picture that ended up on the cover of the New Yorker magazine. Maybe you heard about it on the news? It showed Barack Obama (dressed up like a sleepy Muslim) in the oval office (burning an American flag) giving ‘daps’ to his wife Michelle (who is dressed like a Black Panther and also Pam Grier). Some people took offense to it, but the New Yorker LOVED IT. So much so, that they asked me to make another cover for next week’s issue. I decided the best thing to do would be to show John McCain and his wife Cindy in the oval office as well. Only this time around, I decided to make a much more realistic portrait. I hope you like it!

The following is an ad for a company called Liberator Medical Supply. It’s the best commercial I’ve seen on TV since the Kinoki foot pads. The ad features a woman named Holly who has a couple major problems in her life. Only one of which is using catheters every day.

After watching that video 100 times, I have a few questions for Holly…

Okay, Holly, first off…WHY DO YOU HAVE TO USE CATHETERS EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? Also, why weren’t you devastated about that? Granted, the notion of reusing a catheter every day for the rest of your life is very shitty. But, it pales in comparison to the fact that you still have to use a catheter every day for the rest of your life. You know what I’m saying Holly? That’s like becoming paraplegic and then getting mad when you find out you still have to cut your toenails. Furthermore, Holly, WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED OF TALKING TO STRANGERS OVER THE TELEPHONE? I mean, that’s okay, but it has nothing to do with you having to use catheters every day for the rest of your life. Those are separate issues right there. However, Holly, if you’re having problems with the catheters you use every day for the rest of your life, I’m pretty sure you should only talk to strangers about that. Ideally, they’d be strangers who can’t see your sad face. Not to make light of your problem! Agoraphobia is a real thing. But Holly, you know agoraphobia isn’t treated by using catheters every day for the rest of your life, right? Catheters play no part in mental health. All you need to do is go see a therapist, Holly. Unless of course, you already have a therapist. Oh my god. Holly. Did your therapist say you had to use catheters every day for the rest of your life? Because he is wrong. Also, Holly, WHAT’S WITH THAT CAT AT THE END? You don’t…oh Jesus, Holly. You don’t use cats as catheters, do you? Did you think the word “cath” was just a silly way doctors referred to cats? Because you’re wrong Holly. “Cath” is when you use the word “catheter” as a verb in a weird abbreviated way I’ve never heard before. Of course you’re going to get urinary tract infections, Holly! Your urinary tract is no place for a cat! I don’t care how clean they are, Holly, they’re still cats. But now I totally understand why you were so devastated before. How many cats have you boiled alive and stuffed in your peehole, Holly? Why did you do it? Why? Why?

The winning horse was a massive thoroughbred named “Big Brown.” Big Brown won the race quite convincingly, by a measure of nearly 5 lengths.

Earlier that day, Presidential candidate Barack Obama chose Big Brown to be the winner.

The runner-up in the Derby was a female horse named “Eight Belles.” Despite an impressive and gutsy performance, Eight Belles could only muster a distant second place finish. Also, immediately afterwards, she had to be euthanized on the track because of a fatal injury incurred during the race.

Earlier that day, Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton chose Eight Belles to be the winner.

(There were also 18 other horses in the race, but metaphorically speaking, none of them really matter.)

So, I discovered this video earlier today and I’ve now decided to be born again. (By the way, does anyone have literature on the Christian re-birthing process? How does that work exactly? Does my Mom have to be there? Because, believe me, she will not be down.) Check it out. It starts getting really good at 1:06.

That’s the #1 video on Godtube.com this week. #2 is called “Awesome Sled Wrecks.” Obviously.

This one is good too! It’s like Weird Al meets Jerry Falwell.

I never knew how important the virtue of parody was to Jesus Christ.

Also, did you know Christians hate Christians and Hell is a reality? Because apparently they do and it does.

In theory, I should love cheesecake. I love cheese and I love cake, but for some reason the combination of the two has never won me over. It certainly tastes great, yes. But the problem is its unwieldiness. You can’t just pop cheesecake in your mouth and call it a day. No, in fact, it’s not poppable at all. You need a fork to eat the stuff (sometimes even a knife), which as we all know is completely unacceptable. Cheesecake’s stubborn refusal to make that next logical step–to poppermorphosize, if you will–has, in my opinion, forever doomed it to be classified as an imperfect, sub-standard desert.

Or so I thought.

Problem solved. Thanks Arby’s.

PS: Nice work pairing it with ketchup.

As some of you may know, I haven’t been online a lot recently because I’m currently on the road with fellow comedian John Mulaney. We’re performing at a bunch of Midwestern colleges; places like St. Joseph’s College in beautiful downtown Rensselaer, Indiana (funny aside: didja know “Rensselaer” is the German word for “methlab?”). But I have to admit, The Road is fucking hard, you guys. It’s seriously so cold outside. Like, it hasn’t gotten above single digits. Plus, everything is covered in ash and all we have to eat is canned peaches. John has done a great job this trip keeping my spirits up while he struggles to push our grocery cart through the muck towards the sea, but sometimes in the mornings I hear him coughing up blood, and it makes me scared. I can’t face these cannibals by myself.

JK! It’s been a lot fun. For me, the highlight of the trip thus far was two nights ago, when we walked into North Central College’s Student Activities Center in Napersville, Illinois. The doors of the facility were decorated with drawings celebrating Martin Luther King Jr’s “I Have A Dream” speech. Adorably racist drawings. It said they were made by third graders asked to summarize MLK’s famous “I Have a Dream” speech, but a part of me thinks that maybe they were actually done by the students of NCC. We’ll never know for sure. No matter what, Dr. King’s dream will live on through these pictures, dissolving in and out as my computer’s screen saver until the end of time.

What’s up, indeed.

Well, no one likes sitting in the back of a roller coaster.

His real dream is white superman? What? Was he having a nightmare?

I don’t think he saw the world in terms of olives OR anchovies. I think MLK saw the world as one big, delicious supreme pizza.

Kids draw the darndest things. (Darndest means insensitive, right? For reals though, how the fuck did those pictures make it out of a classroom? Who is teaching American History to these little monsters, and is like “Olives or Anchovies? That’s an interesting interpretation, Bobby. Very good! I’m sending that one over to the college.” A Nazi-lady, that’s who.)

PS: If you’re in New York, you should go to this tonight. It’s our one-year anniversary.

Everyone knows that I’ve been a sports fan my entire life. So it should come as no surprise that I’ve spent my last two Saturday nights going to historic athletic events. On Saturday, Dec. 29th, I was in attendance Giants Stadium as The New England Patriots completed their perfect season by defeating the New York Giants 38-35 in one of the most exciting football games ever played.

Then, this past Saturday, I was in attendance at Madison Square Garden to see the Profession Bull Riders Versus Invitational. It was announced that, for the first time in the history of “all western sport,” the competitors were given the chance to actually choose which bull he’d ride later that night. (First of all, about that, …what? How is it at all possible this was the first time cowboys chose their bull? Were all rodeos prior to 2008 decided with an Ouija board? An officiated game of Oogie Cookie? Also, was it really necessary to bring the Hemispheres into it?)

Both events were a triumph. Someone asked me which one was better, and I really didn’t what to say. Sure, the Patriots game was more celebrated in the liberal Jew-run media, but the NYC rodeo was pretty amazing as well. So, because I believe in science, I decided to match them up:

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Bedrock Yomama was the big winner last night, becoming the new President of Iowa. Meanwhile, his main rival, Hillary Clinton, was definitely the big loser, coming in a surprising third place behind B.O. (tee-hee!) and Yawn Edfarts (hoo-hoo!).

It’s common knowledge that Mrs. Clinton is a barfy, barfy woman, but you have to respect her sense of humor. I was on HillaryClinton.com (a.k.a. my homepage) and was surprised by her coy use of sarcasm on the front page:

All the pundits are saying that the voters chose Obama’s “Change” over Hillary’s “Experience.” In a speech this morning in New Hampshire she told a crowd that “You need experience to make change…the type of change I’ve been making for the last 35 years!!!” Those changes apparently include her maiden name and a billion pantsuits.

I’m kind of hoping Hillary wins in ‘08, just so Laura Bush can run against her 2012. Two experienced ladies! That would be an exciting political race!

However, I must say it would be exciting to see a Black man in the white house. Just because it would be awesome to FINALLY start feeling like we were living in the goddamn future for once. (The Fifth Element, Deep Impact, 24, Idiocracy, Head of State, etc.). I’m just sad the first one won’t be a Black Republican. That would be so tight.

Alright. Alright. I admit it. I’m back on the Huckabee bandwagon.

Last week I said I was voting for Tom Tancredo (who I still think is the most qualified and best looking of all the candidates), but right now it doesn’t look like his campaign has much of a chance, which is a shame because he seems to be the only person running who knows the danger of Mexican Jihadists who like to go on shopping mall rampages.

Huckabee, meanwhile, is surging and looking more and more presidential everyday. And by “presidential” I mean “like a deflated tire.” (If Huckabee wins, it’ll be just like my screenplay President Thinner, which was an unauthorized sequel to Steven King’s Thinner combined with a retelling of the 1995 classic The American President.) I’ll listen to any candidate who has overcome morbid obesity. I’ll consider anyone in favor of AIDS colonies. And I’ll fucking endorse any man with a fat ugly son who likes to lynch stray dogs in the woods at Boy Scout camp.

This is a picture of Fat Mike Huckabee next to Skinny Mike Huckabee:

And here’s one of Skinny Mike Huckabee next to a sea turtle:

I really love the new campaign ad from Huckabee. Some people say he’s trying to subliminally use Christian religious symbolism, but I don’t see it.

I have no idea what you’re talking about. There’s nothing creepily religious about that at all.

Here’s Mike Huckabee on MSNBC addressing the “floating cross” controversy:

Mike Huckabee:

“It is a bookshelf people. A. Book. Shelf…Actually, what you didn’t catch was with my eyes I was signaling…a very secret code to all the Evangelicals out there.”

Actually, Governor Thiiiiinnennneeeeeerrrrrrrr, I did catch that.

I know I keep changing my mind, but I really think I mean it this time. I’ve decided I’m voting for Tom Tancredo (R-CO) for President of the United States. Why? Because he is strong on the issues I care about.

Uhm…more like: Tancredope.as.fuck. Am I right? What a beast.

He should seriously start calling himself “The Perfect Storm” Tancredo. Dude is the ideal candidate. Not only is he drop dead gorge, but also intimidatingly intelligent. He seems to know exactly what real Americans worry about. I mean, look at the latest authentic news poll I found:

PS: (R-CO) = (Retarded-Cookoo)