I hate that I love this.

Looks like Huckabee’s going after the South Park voters. Ridiculous. I hope he makes Lonelygirl15 his running mate.

Two weeks from now, Barack Obama’s going to be all, “I’m Rick James, bitch!” This is why I couldn’t be a poli-sci major.

Chuck Norris jokes? Zrlzlyuguys, who’s this dude’s campaign manager? Andy Milonakis?

That “kid” has had PLIPPS since birth. Andy MilonaPLIPPS Disease. So sad. (I heard his childhood was exactly like that movie Lorenzo’s Oil, except his parents just fed him so much Sbarro.)

Huckabee is so tight. I bet he owns a Wii.

I’d vote for a President Hugs-his-wii. “I support a constitutional amendment to protect the sanctity of Nintendo Wiis…and, also, no more abortions.”

Evolution? Really, RG? Good call on that one. Because gun nuts love science terms.

Here’s a transcript of his speech:

“Good morning, NRA. Thank you for inviting me today. I believe guns came from monkeys. 9-11, 9-11, 9-11. Vote for me. (fart noise)”

He didn’t actually say that. But…sort of.

…for loving the new Nickelback video.

There’s nothing to write.

My feelings about the “Rockstar” video can only be expressed in the form of a venn diagram:

(click to enlarge, dummy)

ADDENDUM #1: Bam Margera should be included in ”Terrible.”
ADDENDUM #2: Not eating is a major component to becoming a rock star.

So, after getting mesmerized by the Battlecry snippet last week, I went ahead and tivoed the entire CNN “God’s Warriors” mini-series. I must admit Christiane Amanpour does a great job making all three major religions look coo-coo.

Although, the Evangelical Christians are clearly the winners (which is probably why she saved that episode for last). How, you might ask, could a group of American Christians possibly be crazier than Israeli settlers and Islamic suicide bombers? Well, at least when insane Jews and Muslims go to war, those wars are real. Oh, also, Jewish minstrel shows:

If you didn’t catch that, the hoe-down version of Hava Nagilah goes a little something like this:

Hava Nagilah, Hava Nagilah…
Hava Nagilah, Hava Nagilah…
Chickens in the barnyard pickin’ up grain.
Goin’ about things the southern way.
Next year in Jerusalem. V’nism’cha! Wooo!
(fiddle solo)

BTW, that minister is so tight! He just loves Israel. So much so that he built his own wailing wall and even wrote his own Nostradamus book about Jesus slaying the all the Jews on Judgement Day.

I got a lot to say about this, but I don’t want to get all Marc Maron on your asses.

A while back, I wrote about how afraid I was of Vladimir Putin’s state-sponsored militia of brainwashed teenage Internet hackers, known as “Nashis“ (named after an organic but very racist type of Russian breakfast cereal).

Well, after watching this special report on CNN, let me just say that I feel much safer now:

What. The. Fuck.

TWEEN: “Hey Mom, can I have like $60?”
MOM: “For what, dear?”
TWEEN: “There’s this really awesome show at the arena I want to see.”
MOM: “Now, you know how I feel about rock n’ roll…”
TWEEN: “It’s not a rock show, Mom.”
MOM: “Well, what is it then?”
TWEEN: “It’s Battlecry.”
MOM: “And what is this ‘Battlecry’?”
TWEEN: “Well it’s kind of like a rock show…”
MOM: “I don’t like the sooound of thiiiis.”
TWEEN: “…but instead of music, there’s this local news sportscaster guy, and he yells at everyone about how much Jesus hates abortions.”
MOM: “Oh, that sounds like fun.”
TWEEN: “Yeah! And fireworks go off. And there are these lunatics running around with flags. And every one’s crying and praying.” 
MOM: “Wow! Hand me my purse, we’re both going!” 
TWEEN: “Eeeew! Are you kidding me? I can’t go to Battlecry with my mom! That’s so embarrassing.”
MOM: “Why?”
TWEEN: “You had your chance, Mom! This is my war!”

Quick poll: Who would win an all out fight to the death? Battlecryers or Nashis?

(more…)

Faith Hill calmly confronts a female fan who groped her husband, Tim McGraw, mid-concert:

Uhm, I think that’s called “Southern Hospitality.” Ever heard of it?

And while we’re on the topic, my friend Nick just sent me the new Brad Paisley music video, for song called “Online.” It’s truly amazing.

Did you know that if you mix country music with modern technology, you get a very sad version of Seinfeld?