This weekend I was watching Animal Planet and happened to catch their coverage of the 2008 World’s Ugliest Dog Competition, which I believe was hosted by MADtv’s Debra Wilson (aka T-Pain without the top hat and goatee.) If you’ve never seen or heard of the World’s Ugliest Dog Competition before, it’s a beauty pageant for dogs, except all the dogs are super ugly and almost always severely handicapped. Retarded, a lot of them are retarded. It’s basically like the Special Olympics for dogs, only it’s entirely superficial and kind of mean-spirited. Anyway, the winner was a dog named Archie, but I found myself rooting for Elwood and Munchkin.

What made this year’s competition extra exciting was it’s unpredictability. The perennial champion, a very ugly dog named “Sam,” had just died, so it was anyone’s game. And, of course, Animal Planet made a heartwarming memorial video about the recently deceased Sam:

That video isn’t weird or racist at all. In fact, I’d go so far as to say Tiger Woods is the Sam the ugly dog of golf.

Exhibit A:

(NOT PHOTOSHOPPED)

Okay, so then immediately after the World’s Ugliest Dog Competition was the Animal Planet reality show called “Groomer Has It,” which is a reality show about people who apparently want to be dog groomers. The front-runner is a gay stereotype named “Artist.” Please watch this clip of Artist:

Tiger Woods is the champion of self-grooming gay blind dogs.

So, I discovered this video earlier today and I’ve now decided to be born again. (By the way, does anyone have literature on the Christian re-birthing process? How does that work exactly? Does my Mom have to be there? Because, believe me, she will not be down.) Check it out. It starts getting really good at 1:06.

That’s the #1 video on Godtube.com this week. #2 is called “Awesome Sled Wrecks.” Obviously.

This one is good too! It’s like Weird Al meets Jerry Falwell.

I never knew how important the virtue of parody was to Jesus Christ.

Also, did you know Christians hate Christians and Hell is a reality? Because apparently they do and it does.

I was reading the news this morning, because I enjoy stories of black men beating white women (especially when the white woman deserves it). There’s an article on ABCnews.com that describes just how desperate and pathetic the Hillary Clinton campaign has become.

“For Hillary Clinton in particular, this week is do or die…Camp Clinton is hoping for a swing in the pendulum of media sympathy and scrutiny — and they hope every reporter in the country saw the opening skit in the return of Saturday Night Live.”

Really? Why doesn’t she ask all the reporters in the country to water-board themselves while they’re at it? Because, yikes, that shit was terrrrrible.

The best part of the article though, had to be its accompanying picture, seen here:

It’s Hillary the Hillariveter! That is so Hillarelevant! Good job, Clinton fans. Nothing attracts the youth vote more than photoshopping your candidate’s face onto WWII propaganda. Idiots. Y’all just got PLIPP’d.

I mean, if you’re going to do it, fucking do it. Here are some posters I made for the Hillary campaign:

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Funny story, you guys. Okay, so, I really, really wanted to throw a huge house party tomight. Like so bad. But, I knew I couldn’t do it because…well, I just don’t have any house party supplies. (Lord knows how shitty a house party can be when it’s not properly supplied.) Anyway, I’d just about given up hope for a party when I stumbled upon what may be the most exciting and necessary website in the entire w.w.web: HillaryStore.com–the official online source for all your Hillary Clinton gear.

I was looking through the goodies, trying to find a Hillary gun to blow my brains out, when I found myself in the “Specials” section. Wouldn’t you know it, look what I found there:

Talk about a PAAAAAARTY!!!! Only $135.00?! Are you kidding me? Ten yard signs with wires…two water bottles…my Hillary party is gonna be off the motherfuckin’ hook, y’all!

Here are the deets, everyone: My house! Tonight! Come one, come all! (And don’t forget to bring your bumpers, because they’z guaranteed to get STUCK!)

***UPDATE*** Oh man, I am freaking out! I’ve already gotten so many RSVPs, I’m worried too many people are going to show up. My Hillary house party might turn into a super size Hillary house party. There’s just no way I’d be prepared for a party of that magnitude. What am I going to do?

AWWWW SHIIIIIIIIT! Only $265 for 25 Buttons, a hat, a mug, PLUS the same amount of signs and balloons? Uhm…I’ll take two, please. LOL! This party’s gonna go on till the break-a-break dawn!!! Everyone’s invited!!!!

***UPDATE #2*** Sorry, everyone. I’ve decided to throw a Barack Obama House Party instead. Sorry to CHANGE plans on you guys. It’s simply a better deal. I HOPE you can still make it.

For the past two years, I’ve had a full-time job at a fancy glasses store in Soho. However, I’m sad to say, today is my last day in the optical business.

During my time as an eyeglass employee, I’ve slowly been demoted from copywriter to window display artist to, finally, delivery boy. It’s been a long, strange experience that I feel deserves a long, self-indulgent recap.

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Thanks to everyone who came out to last night’s Totally J/K. It was a really great show and the perfect way to finish off the year. (I want to say that we “went out in style,” but I can’t because that’s what that psycho kid wrote in his suicide letter right before he went and shot up that mall in Omaha last week. (Way to ruin a perfectly innocent figure of speech, asshole!))

N*E*WAYZ, Noah and I are already looking forward to starting the show back up again in 2008! We’re especially excited about our brand-new “Clip of the Wiik” segment of the show, which is when our friend Matt James secretly films the two of us playing Nintendo Wii together. It’s seriously the lamest, gayest, and most retarded Noah and I have ever been. And that’s really saying something. Enjoy!

I know I keep changing my mind, but I really think I mean it this time. I’ve decided I’m voting for Tom Tancredo (R-CO) for President of the United States. Why? Because he is strong on the issues I care about.

Uhm…more like: Tancredope.as.fuck. Am I right? What a beast.

He should seriously start calling himself “The Perfect Storm” Tancredo. Dude is the ideal candidate. Not only is he drop dead gorge, but also intimidatingly intelligent. He seems to know exactly what real Americans worry about. I mean, look at the latest authentic news poll I found:

PS: (R-CO) = (Retarded-Cookoo)

I hate that I love this.

Looks like Huckabee’s going after the South Park voters. Ridiculous. I hope he makes Lonelygirl15 his running mate.

Two weeks from now, Barack Obama’s going to be all, “I’m Rick James, bitch!” This is why I couldn’t be a poli-sci major.

Chuck Norris jokes? Zrlzlyuguys, who’s this dude’s campaign manager? Andy Milonakis?

That “kid” has had PLIPPS since birth. Andy MilonaPLIPPS Disease. So sad. (I heard his childhood was exactly like that movie Lorenzo’s Oil, except his parents just fed him so much Sbarro.)

Huckabee is so tight. I bet he owns a Wii.

I’d vote for a President Hugs-his-wii. “I support a constitutional amendment to protect the sanctity of Nintendo Wiis…and, also, no more abortions.”

PS: Come to Totally JK on Monday.