Last night was the last Invite Them Up ever. Rififi was packed like I’d never seen it before. The crowd spilled out into the bar and then that crowd spilled out into the street. It really did feel like a Great White concert was about to go down, as Leo Allen noted.

Invite Them Up was my favorite (and thus the best) comedy show in New York City. I’m definitely going to miss it. One of the first things I got to do when I moved to New York was “30 seconds of stand up” at Invite Them Up. That was the portion of the show when host Bobby Tisdale would get everyone to chant a “30 seconds” song, a comedian would perform 30 seconds of stand up, and then everyone would chant the song again. That was it. Yet, despite how retarded it was, I was fucking terrified the first time Bobby asked me to do it. I was seriously more nervous for those 30 seconds than at any other point in my long and storied comedy career.

Anyway, as one would expect, the last 30 seconds of stand up of all time was great. Craig Baldo and DJ Blue turned Bobby’s chant into an amazing hiphop/samba/techno song. And as it played, more and more people were jumping on stage to dance. By the end, it looked like some sort of East Village Senor Frogs up in that piece.

Here’s the song:

Also, just so everyone knows, Rififi isn’t closing…yet. So you should still all come to Totally JK every week until it does.

Paul Wellstone. 5 years dead today.

The Sandy Koufax of politicians. (Sandy Koufax sang “La Bamba,” right?)

Addendum:

Dick Clark finally put an end to the ongoing retarded lesbian fox dance saga. I got this email late last night:

Rest in peace, you ridiculous .mov file. The internet will never be the same.  

So You Think You Can Dance Like A Baby Fox?
8.16.2007 - 8.22.2007
A Beloved YouTube
Misunderstood by Most
Favorited by Many
Murdered by Haggard Stroke Victim

The official trailer for Yeti: A Love Story came out today.

So. Fucking. Embarrassing.

I seriously want to kill myself after watching that. But, if I did, my participation in that movie would be the last thing I ever got onto IMDB. And, therefore, I must carry on.

Here’s the description that went along with it:

It’s “King Kong” meets “Brokeback Mountain” in “Yeti: A Love Story”, a gay themed horror-comedy about a homicidal and wildly homosexual mountain yeti!

Me: “Seriously, Dad, just because I’m in a movie about a gay bigfoot who rapes boys in the woods, that doesn’t make me gay.”
My Dad: “…”
Me: “I don’t even get raped in the movie. I get shot in stomach as I run through the woods in my underwear.”  
My Dad: “…”
Me: “To get away from the gay bigfoot!”

My sincerest congratulations to Adam and E-Rock for getting national distribution on Yeti. I just wish you guys would please go back and pixelate my face out.

Did you hear about that Chris Benoit guy who strangled his whole family and killed himself last week? Yikes! Who saw that coming?

Weird, he looks super stable.

This quote was in Time Magazine:

He then added, “I mean, Chris was normal guy…who took steroids and strangled people for money. That’s the Chris I know. But, going berserk and choking those close to him? I just don’t see it.”

In case you missed it, this is the video Noah and I made for last night’s show. It’s madd stupid, son.

(more…)

Just as Summer begins, today I read about some guy in Florida getting hit by ”dry lightning.”

With no rain or even clouds to warn him of the danger, death came literally out of the blue Thursday to a self-employed landscaper. The killer was a powerful bolt of lightning that cracked through perfectly clear skies.

[He] was killed by a weather phenomenon fittingly called a ”bolt from the blue” or ”dry lightning” because it falls from clear, blue skies.

LOL! Get it? “Out of the blue.” Because it came out of nowhere and killed that dude! 

Wait…lightning? Lightning can strike you on a sunny day? I’ve never even considered worrying about that. And I worry about everything.

But, I mean, at least it’s not some kind of super-deadly form of lightning, right? It’s normal, run-of-the-mill lightning, that just so happens to come out of nowhere. I think I can deal with that. That’s not that scary.

The fair-weather bolts pack a bigger, deadlier punch and form differently.

Fuck me.

Most lightning bolts carry a negative charge, but ”bolts from the blue” have a positive charge, carry as much as 10 times the current, are hotter and last longer.

AAAAH! Of course! Why wouldn’t lightning that comes out of nowhere on a sunny day be ten times stronger, hotter, and longer-lasting than regular lightning? That’s rational. 

The bolts normally travel horizontally away from the storm and reach farther than typical lightning, then curve to the ground.

So, basically, they go out of their way to kill you? Awesome.

Have a good weekend, everyone. I just checked the forecast, it’s going to be beautiful out there.

I’m staying in my apartment forever.

Cheese heroin? Are you kidding me? I’m so glad that didn’t exist when I was a teen.

Drug Dealer: Hey kid, wanna buy some heroin for two dollars?
Teenage Me: Not really.
Drug Dealer: What if I told you it was cheese heroin?
Teenage Me: Ha! What is that? Like, cheese that gets you high?
Drug Dealer: Cheese that gets you super high.
Teenage Me: I’ll take ten, please. Thank you.

You know how kids get when they see balloons of cheese heroin.

Authorities hope to stop the fad before it spreads across the nation.

…Like delicious Philadelphia cream cheese.

…On a meth bagel.

That dude is great. His favorite band is The String Cheese Heroin.

(I could do this all day.)

“Cheese heroin” is a blend of so-called black tar Mexican heroin and crushed over-the-counter medications that contain the antihistamine diphenhydramine, found in products such as Tylenol PM.

First of all, who’s on black tar heroin and thinks to himself, “I could really go for some extra-groggy heroin right about now.”

Secondly, why wouldn’t you just call it Heroin PM?

Drug treatment centers in Dallas say teen “cheese” addicts are now as common as those seeking help for a marijuana addiction.

Drug Counselor: Can I help you?
Teenage Me: Hi. So, I have a problem with cheese and marijuana.
Drug Counselor: How long have you snorting on the cheese?
Teenage Me: No, that’s not it. My problem is…right after I smoke pot, I will literally eat anything coated in cheese dust. Chips, pretzels, candy bars. It’s disgusting. And then I get orange stains all over my clothes.
Drug Counselor: Uh huh…
Teenage Me: And I just wanted to know if you thought Oxy-Clean would work. Or do you recommend Shout wipes?
Drug Counselor: I don’t really know if I’m comfortable answering that question.
Teenage Me: Uhm, hello? I’m seeking your drug counsel over here.
Drug Counselor: That’s not really how it works.

Citgo’s new ad campaign is so Roc La Familia.

Flagrant plagiarism. Jay-Z should sue Citgo for infringement. Just like last year, when former pro wrestler Diamond Dallas Page sued Jay-Z over the hand sign.

DDP: the originator, none greater.

From Wikipedia:

Page is commonly associated with the “Diamond Cutter” symbol, also referred to as a “Self High Five” - a hand gesture made by joining the thumbs and index fingers on each hand to form a diamond shape, then parting the two hands in one swift motion. He created the symbol in 1996 and later copyrighted it.

Also from Wikipedia:

In his autobiography, Have a Nice Day, Mick Foley details an incident that occurred while he and Stone Cold Steve Austin were travelling with Page. Irritated by Page’s constantly upbeat attitude, the two determined to make Page lose his composure. After a number of attempts, the two found success by placing ground cookies on Page’s hotel room bed, and when Page got into bed, hilarity ensued.

“HILARITY ENSUED.”

He’s just sampled it.

That hand sign isn’t looking so good.

Blood pressure falling…

…we’re losing him…

Get the defibrillator! We lost its pulse…

Too late, it’s gone. Time of death: whenever that happened.

(more…)

5:36 PM Lou: Our koi pond is full of tiny tadpoles again. The frog was back last week, encouraging a female to join him in infanticide.

5:37 PM me: thats a cheery way of looking at it

5:38 PM Lou: Cheery for the fish - they think it is a massive protien buffet.