I know I keep changing my mind, but I really think I mean it this time. I’ve decided I’m voting for Tom Tancredo (R-CO) for President of the United States. Why? Because he is strong on the issues I care about.

Uhm…more like: Tancredope.as.fuck. Am I right? What a beast.

He should seriously start calling himself “The Perfect Storm” Tancredo. Dude is the ideal candidate. Not only is he drop dead gorge, but also intimidatingly intelligent. He seems to know exactly what real Americans worry about. I mean, look at the latest authentic news poll I found:

PS: (R-CO) = (Retarded-Cookoo)

I got a full-blown case of it.

 
(artist rendering)

I don’t know what triggered my fear of Danny DeVito. Maybe it was a bad drug experience in college while Get Shorty played on TBS in the background. Or the fact that he’s a troll. Who knows? All I can say is, if you brought me on Maury and tried to have me meet DDV face to face, I’d act exactly like this woman:

So scary.

(Uhm…why does that picture exist?)

Danny DeVito is a fat little gremlin. And I think it’s insane that no one else thinks it’s weird that he’s a movie star. It’s precisely that inexplicable popularity that frightens me so much. He’s a human Pug.  

So anyway, six months after making a drunken spectacle of himself on The View, and blaming it on limoncello, Danny DiVito is now launching his own brand of Limoncello.

(Each bottle is 4 inches tall.)

Really, Danny? Six months go by and now you make a novelty liqueur? If you ask me, that is simply too little too late. Way too little.

Melinda Toolittle.

(more…)