I’m so happy I found this Old Spice deodorant. I used to think I had really bad body odor, but it turns out I just hated myself.

I smell so confident. Now when I sweat, it smells like I look like I own a BMW.

My friend Kyle Weber made this. It’s retarded.

I’m telling one of the most embarrassing stories of my life at “Nights of Our Lives.” It’s tonight at 9:30 pm at the UCB Theater. You should come. It’s pretty much my favorite show in NYC.

Reserve your tickets here: http://newyork.ucbtheatre.com/reservations/create/11864

The theme is intimacy issues. (I’ll be doing the icks story, if that means anything to you.)

Okay! Okay! I take it back! I want to be Jewish again. Sorry! What are you going to do sue me?…What, really? You will?

A few days ago, I got so enamored by the evangelical website www.godtube.com, that my faith began to waver a bit. Thankfully, my good friend Ethan just informed me about www.jewtube.com (motto: “Here’s Looking at Jew!”) and, needless to say, I’m back!

Jewtube is so awesome!!! It’s all the mirth and wonderment of Judaism broken up into literally hundreds of exciting, easy-to-watch viral videos.

This one is called “Chanukah Party.”

PAAAARRRRTYYYYYYY!!!! So jealous. That place was bumping. So insaaane. Almost NSFW. Speaking of, have you ever wondered what a fully erected (LOL!) sukkah looked like? Check this out:

(Warning, you might need your inhaler, because this vid is action packed.)

The one and only comment for that video:

THAT’S INTERESTING!

Here’s a Rabbi talking about sex. Kind of? I dare you to watch more than a minute. I couldn’t.

That Rabbi has uploaded like 400 videos on Jewtube. I bet he makes over 100K a year.

(Other must-sees include “Bat Mitzvah Borat” and “Purim Rap.”)

PS: Come to Totally JK tonight!

SHOWALTER! OLD SPRINGS PIKE! GREGJOHNSONONLINE.BLOGSPOT.COM!!!! This one is not to miss, folks!

Apparently the Lil Wayne and Zac Efron story is a fake, thus making Exhibit B in my “Lil Wayne v. Sanity” case unusable. Faulty evidence. I’m a little embarrassed that I fell for it, actually. It was obviously overdone, but I wanted it to be true so badly that I rushed to judgment. I should have known better. (But, in my defense, it wasn’t THAT hard to believe, considering the dude has a real life man crush on Robin Thicke.)

After some long self-flagellation/deliberation I decided not to erase yesterday’s post, because I still think my one-act play should be made.

My deepest apologies.

PS:

PPS:

For the past two years, I’ve had a full-time job at a fancy glasses store in Soho. However, I’m sad to say, today is my last day in the optical business.

During my time as an eyeglass employee, I’ve slowly been demoted from copywriter to window display artist to, finally, delivery boy. It’s been a long, strange experience that I feel deserves a long, self-indulgent recap.

(more…)

Thanks to everyone who came out to last night’s Totally J/K. It was a really great show and the perfect way to finish off the year. (I want to say that we “went out in style,” but I can’t because that’s what that psycho kid wrote in his suicide letter right before he went and shot up that mall in Omaha last week. (Way to ruin a perfectly innocent figure of speech, asshole!))

N*E*WAYZ, Noah and I are already looking forward to starting the show back up again in 2008! We’re especially excited about our brand-new “Clip of the Wiik” segment of the show, which is when our friend Matt James secretly films the two of us playing Nintendo Wii together. It’s seriously the lamest, gayest, and most retarded Noah and I have ever been. And that’s really saying something. Enjoy!

Just months after John From Cincinnati was canceled for good, suddenly a mysterious “surfer dude” announces to the world that he’s come up with his own groundbreaking theory of the universe.

(Director’s commentary: “It’s funny, I only knew four things about surfing: Cowabunga, Hang 10, Goofy Style, and Sex Wax. But I think it still works.”)

Anyway, a bunch of real scientists are flipping their collective shit over this theory, mostly because it only needs three dimensions to be proven correct, instead of the ten or more fake invisible dimensions previous theories needed to not make any sense at all.

The surfer’s theory is not only madd chill, but also super simple to understand:

All fields of the standard model and gravity are unified as an E8 principal bundle connection. A non-compact real form of the E8 Lie algebra has G2 and F4 subalgebras which break down to strong su(3), electroweak su(2) x u(1), gravitational so(3,1), the frame-Higgs, and three generations of fermions related by triality. The interactions and dynamics of these 1-form and Grassmann valued parts of an E8 superconnection are described by the curvature and action over a four dimensional base manifold.

Totally, brah. Fermions are soooo electroweak.

Basically, he’s saying the universe is shaped like an enormous E8.

Which, if true, proves my theory that the big bang looked like this:

Barf. I’m sorry. That was so much work just so I could make a retarded Spirograph reference.

Blogs are so tight.

Look:

“Did you hear this, folks? Blah blah blah…blah blah blah…Michael Jackson joke…blah blah blah.”

If you pick up the newest issue of Heeb Magazine, you will see my name included in “The Heeb 100,” their annual list of 100 Jews to watch. (That’s in the entire diaspora, son.)

Hey, world! Get ready to watch this Jew!!!

Being on the Heeb 100 is an honor. In fact, it’s pretty much the second best list a Jew could ever hope to be on. (The first best.)

Heeb100.com has the entire list, including little Jewy bios of everyone. Be sure to see my friends Jenny, Josh, Brett, and Seth as well. Oh, and DJ AM, obvz.