For the past few months, I’ve been getting free issues of Complex Magazine in the mail. I have no idea why or how they started showing up, but I know for a fact I’m not paying for them. So weird. The first time it came, I actually tried reading it while I was on the toilet. But I had to stop because it made me so stupid I forgot how to poop. Since then, I’ve promptly thrown the magazine in the garbage as soon as I took it out of my mailbox. The end.

…or is it?

When I got the December/January issue yesterday, something about the cover story intrigued me…

Hmmm…let’s see…is Lil’ Wayne crazy? I don’t know. But, considering your pull quote is “I’m a Martian, and if you understand me then you’re Jesus Christ,” I’m going to go ahead and say YES. Yes, Lil Wayne is crazy.

Want more proof? Read the following quotes from Lil’ Wayne’s retarded extensive interview with Complex Magazine (note: they’re unbelievable):

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I just read a story about a new group of people calling themselves “vegansexuals.” These are vegans who have decided, somewhat sanctimoniously, to only have sex with other vegans.

Hey vegans, we already had a word for that. It was ”vegans.”

(P.S. The feeling is mutual.)

A day in the life of a vegansexual:

What a racist!

By the way, that was the best looking woman vegan google could find. Barf. You can’t even tell if it’s a man or a woman, but there’s no question it’s a vegan.

How about you EAT THAT, vegans?

Also, that hamburger dude has been, and will eternally be, my favorite thing ever put on the internet.

Marijuana makes you go coo-coo! Look!

Yo! Dr. Sanjay Gupta iz on dat ILL SHIT, son! 

What did they ‘analyze’ for this study? The ‘weedjamz’  playlist on my ipod?

I mean, it sure looks like it. Check out the report:

“Our findings suggest that the source of most marijuana-induced psychosis comes from smoking that Bin Laden weed (a strain of ’straight killah’ weed from Chicago, said to be comprised of three different kinds of weed all grown together). It can cause one to panic, become disorientated, and have holograms to begin flashing in front of one’s face (and shit).
These symptoms should not be confused with those of Blueberry Yum Yum, which is known to make one start singing melodies one never thought one wooooooouuuuuuuld, as well as make one skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet, and eat snacks, snacks, snacks, snacks, snacks. 
Finally, there is Sex Weed. As we all know, this is weed that is so potent, smoking it makes one feel as though one is having sex. (It may also mean sex that is so good it reminds one of smoking weed. Maybe? I dont know. I still can’t figure that one out at all.)”

Yeah, that’s right, that medical report had hilarious youtube hyperlinks (and way to many parentheticals) in it. So what? Just chill out and enjoy it. Chill out!

(Look, I’m sorry. I’m still really upset about Bear lying to me. I should be back to normal next week.)

Still awaiting trial for multiple counts of child pornography, (the man quickly becoming my favorite) singer R. Kelly released his eighth full-length studio album this week, entitled “Double Up.”

Question: How many platinum-selling albums does a dude have to release before people chill out and start letting him have sex with girls born in the 1990’s???

Diggin’ the bejeweled glasses, Kellz.

There’s one song on Double Up in particular that’s been getting a lot of attention (from me). It’s called “The Zoo,” and it’s basically “Sex Weed” meets Planet Earth. The result is, as expected, unbefuckinglievable. (Although, it is a bit derivative, if you want to be nit-picky about it.)

Listen to it here:

“The Zoo” by R. Kelly

Seriously, every line in that song is a simile. Was that a 6th grade creative writing assignment or something? It must have been. I bet he offered to finish the English homework belonging to some girl in middle school in exchange for a hardcore terrarium gettin’-peed-on session.

THEN he decided to make it a song.

Kellz’ a genius, son.

“So you learning about similes, girl? Oh, they’s easy. Look, I’ll start by saying how…me and you…we like monkeys, right? Because we swing on the vines and shit. And here I’ll say you’re wet like a rain forest. That’s perfect. Oh! And I’m like a Sexosaurus!”

“Can I go home now?”

This is the homework assignment he turned in (click to enlarge (it’s worth it)):

R. Kelly is so tight.

In a recent interview, he told Hip Hop Soul Magazine (and its 7 subscribers):

“I’m the Ali of today. I’m the Marvin Gaye of today. I’m the Bob Marley of today. I’m the Martin Luther King, or all the other greats that have come before us. And a lot of people are starting to realize that now.”

Finally (finally!) people are starting to realize that R. Kelly is the Martin Luther King of today.

(At first I was going to Photoshop the “Chocolate Factory” album, but then I realized that would be racist.)

Frankly, R. Kelly comparing himself to Martin Luther King is a little ridiculous. I mean, MLK never wrote a song about sex weed. Or the Virginia Tech shootings. Plus, Dr. King had dreams but did nothing with them. Kelly, on the other hand,  takes his dreams and makes them a reality. And if happens to be that dream where he’s peeing on the chest of a teenage girl in some kind of penthouse terrarium, so be it.

Seriously though, what a difference a few years make. Remember back in ‘03, when Kellz was first accused of owning child pornography? Back then he felt a lot less like MLK. In fact, he said:

“Osama bin Laden is the only one who knows exactly what I’m going through.”

(click on that pic to hear the LOLiest song ever.)

Maybe R. Kelly is just a really, really bad Dennis Miller. Or vice versa.

Continuing on the R. Kelly tip, yesterday the New York Magazine website posted this question:

My guess is no. But, if that was a TV show, I’d def watch the shit out of it.

For every major American tragedy, there is an artist who steps up and writes a song that captures the moment, helping us all cope with the profound feelings of loss and devastation. 9-11 had Bruce Springsteen, Hurricane Katrina had U2 & Green Day, and now Virginia Tech has R&B superstar R. Kelly.

R. Kelly, who is an alleged (alleged=video taped) child-molester (molester=used as a toilet), felt moved to compose his tribute after watching the terrible events unfold on TV two weeks ago.

You can listen to the “inspirational” song here: 

My mistake. That’s a different song he wrote called “Sex Weed,” which is about having sex that is so good it’s exactly like smoking weed!!! Sex weed. You know, when the sex is like weed and the weed is like sex?

Sex give me the munchies
And now I wanna eat it up, oh!

Best lyric of all time? (Answer: yes.)

Least appropriate person in the world to write a tribute song to a school shooting? (Also: yes.)

Nooooo, Kellz. You’re the one who wasn’t convicted of a sex crime, remember? How soon we forget. Lay off the sex weed, buddy. 

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