1. I just read that Joe Biden has chosen his prep partner for the upcoming vice-presidential debates, and it’s Michigan governor Jennifer Granholm. From the New York Times:

Ms. Granholm, a Phi Beta Kappa graduate of the University of California, Berkeley, and Harvard Law School, has agreed to devote four days to Mr. Biden’s prep work.

Uhm…what? Why would Joe Biden do that? This Granholm lady sounds like a totally qualified and capable person. Shouldn’t he be practicing on someone like Dina Lohan?

2. You should watch this Comedy Central video in which I pretend to be so upset about fantasy football.

3. Come to Assscat 3000 this Sunday night at UCB Theater. 7:30 and 9:30pm. I’ll be the guest monologist for both shows. Chances are I’ll be talking about childhood diarrhea. Should be a fun time.

You guys…Chinese people? Am I right?

I just read an article on bbc.com that says a bunch of them are naming their babies “The Olympic Games” in honor of the upcoming festivities in Beijing.

I watched The Olympic Games on Maury. Fat baby episode, obviously.

More than 4,000 children in China have been given the name Aoyun, meaning Olympic Games, in the past 15 years…Officials in charge of identity cards say that more than 92% of the 4,104 registered Aoyuns are boys.

A family in China is only allowed to have one Olympic Games. That’s why they’re going to win the gold in infanticide (and getting a seat on the subway (and now I’m just being racist)).

I wish Americans named their babies after events. My name would be so much cooler. Something like Hitler Diaries Mande. Or Bjorn Borg Retires From Professional Tennis Mande. Or Ghandi Wins Oscar For Best Picture Mande. Or Anything Else That Happened in 1983 Mande.

The winning horse was a massive thoroughbred named “Big Brown.” Big Brown won the race quite convincingly, by a measure of nearly 5 lengths.

Earlier that day, Presidential candidate Barack Obama chose Big Brown to be the winner.

The runner-up in the Derby was a female horse named “Eight Belles.” Despite an impressive and gutsy performance, Eight Belles could only muster a distant second place finish. Also, immediately afterwards, she had to be euthanized on the track because of a fatal injury incurred during the race.

Earlier that day, Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton chose Eight Belles to be the winner.

(There were also 18 other horses in the race, but metaphorically speaking, none of them really matter.)

Everyone knows that I’ve been a sports fan my entire life. So it should come as no surprise that I’ve spent my last two Saturday nights going to historic athletic events. On Saturday, Dec. 29th, I was in attendance Giants Stadium as The New England Patriots completed their perfect season by defeating the New York Giants 38-35 in one of the most exciting football games ever played.

Then, this past Saturday, I was in attendance at Madison Square Garden to see the Profession Bull Riders Versus Invitational. It was announced that, for the first time in the history of “all western sport,” the competitors were given the chance to actually choose which bull he’d ride later that night. (First of all, about that, …what? How is it at all possible this was the first time cowboys chose their bull? Were all rodeos prior to 2008 decided with an Ouija board? An officiated game of Oogie Cookie? Also, was it really necessary to bring the Hemispheres into it?)

Both events were a triumph. Someone asked me which one was better, and I really didn’t what to say. Sure, the Patriots game was more celebrated in the liberal Jew-run media, but the NYC rodeo was pretty amazing as well. So, because I believe in science, I decided to match them up:

(more…)

This video made me realize my words mean nothing.

I’ve watched that over 100 times today. No joke.

Click below to see some more classic news bloops!

(more…)

I’m not the first person to say this, but Michael Vick is an asshole.

The owner of the Seattle SuperSonics said today that he plans on moving his NBA team to Oklahoma City.

Uhm…it’s about fucking time! What a disgrace it’s been to watch an important and bustling American metropolis like Oklahoma City go without a professional basketball team for so long. This is Oklahoma City, Oklahoma we’re talking about here, people. The big OKC! The seventh biggest city in the country (in terms of geographical area)! The only capital city that shares the name of its state!  

My only hope is that when the team does move, that they change their name. I mean, when you move a franchise from a city like New Orleans to a place like Utah, obviously it makes sense to keep the name “Jazz”. However, “Oklahoma City SuperSonics” doesn’t sound very good. So, here are some suggestions I have for new team names:

D.T., of course, stands for Domestic Terrorism.

Oh, and this woman could be the Dust Bowls’ mascot:

T.O.T. = Trail of Tears. Also, tater tots, which are delicious. 

Grab those surgical masks, people!

Beckham Fever! It’s like S.A.R.S., only way less interesting!

“Just naked-fart it out, bro. You’ll be fine.”

I looked Beckham Fever up on WebMD, and it’s not pretty. The symptoms include: a high-pitched voice, gay haircuts, and a robot wife.

It’s important to get tested regularly for Beckham Fever because, if left untreated, you could make a billion dollars and be the most famous person on Earth.

Not without steroids or a rape allegation, he won’t. This is AMERICA.