Considering that 95% of my website is about how much I love Lil’ Wayne and how much I hate Hillary Clinton, it’s pretty clear that my two favorite non-pizza things in this world are hip-hop music and American politics. Nothing makes me more excited when these two things come together.

This story just hit the wires and it’s great:

Really 50? You can’t make up your mind?

I guess you don’t really have to be loyal to any one specific candidate when you’re…a convicted felon. He’s a felon, right? Isn’t that his “thing”? He better be! That’s why I bought his first album.

This is the best sentence in the article:

After hearing Obama’s stunning speech on race in America earlier this month, the rapper pulled what is now commonly known in political circles as a “Bill Richardson.”

Exactly. For those of you who don’t know, pulling a “Bill Richardson” is when you buy a bunch of stock in Vitamin Water, get caught snorting coke on Croatian television, and then grow an embarrassing beard.

50 Cent is the worst. I’d totally tell him that to his face.

Look, you guys! I just made this:

April fools! (I’m not that good at Garageband!)

Am I late on this? Is the new Snoop Dogg video for real?

Not to brag, or take credit for anything he does creatively, but I’d just like to show you guys a gchat I had with Snoop last month:

(click to enlarge)

For the past few months, I’ve been getting free issues of Complex Magazine in the mail. I have no idea why or how they started showing up, but I know for a fact I’m not paying for them. So weird. The first time it came, I actually tried reading it while I was on the toilet. But I had to stop because it made me so stupid I forgot how to poop. Since then, I’ve promptly thrown the magazine in the garbage as soon as I took it out of my mailbox. The end.

…or is it?

When I got the December/January issue yesterday, something about the cover story intrigued me…

Hmmm…let’s see…is Lil’ Wayne crazy? I don’t know. But, considering your pull quote is “I’m a Martian, and if you understand me then you’re Jesus Christ,” I’m going to go ahead and say YES. Yes, Lil Wayne is crazy.

Want more proof? Read the following quotes from Lil’ Wayne’s retarded extensive interview with Complex Magazine (note: they’re unbelievable):

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You really need to see this. It’s a video of my favorite house-arrested rapper, T.I., giving his acceptance speech after winning this year’s award for Best New Federal Gun Charges…

Best part:

“And thank you to the judge for even allowing me the privilege of being on house arrest and being here instead of, you know, the clear alternative.”

“And by that, what I mean is, I’m much more comfortable sitting here at home, underneath the warm light of my two Chihuly chandeliers, in my cashmere bathrobe, making youtubes of me almost speaking coherently, with a comically large cigar appearing in my hands out of nowhere, rather than, uhm…you know…gettin’ all raped and shit. Ya dig?”

This is the audition tape Noah and I made for the upcoming Notorious B.I.G. movie. I think we have a shot (bad choice of words)…(because he was shot to death, dontchyaknow?!)

You should go to www.foxsearchlight.com/notorious if you want to LOL (laugh out loud) and FUI (feel uncomfortable inside).

Also, if you try to Google Image Search the words “B.I.G. R.I.P.” this is the first thing that comes up:

B.I.G. R.I.P. = Space Vagina!!!!

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I totally saw a dude Skitchin’ down Broadway this morning. A true-life skitcher. In the flesh. I’ve never seen that before. It made me so happy, I almost started crying. (I didn’t.) Instead, I just gasped like a woman and pointed, like he was a majestic bird or something. A majestic bird who was clinging onto the bumper of a moving vehicle and wearing rollerblades.

The skitchin’ sighting looked like this:

Only the dude was black and not wearing a purple cape. He was wearing a tie though, which leads me to believe he was skitchin’ to work.

The only downside to skitchin’ to work: racial profiling.

Fuckin’ cops. When will they learn?

Skitchin’

Skitchin’

SKI-tchin’

DOUBLE SKITCHIN’!!!!

SHADE.

Michael Douglas’ son, Cameron Douglas, is facing charges for felony drug possession.

Eek. See what drugs do to you, kids? They make you look like a younger, sadder, more-Frankensteiny version of your movie star father.

If you ask me, none of this would have happened if Michael Douglas were around more for his son as young boy, to kind-of-but-not-really make pancakes for him and whatnot.

So, I have this joke I sometimes tell where I say that Chamillionaire is my favorite rapper. This, of course, isn’t really true; I’ve only heard that one song of his (about filthy driving or whatever) and was not impressed. I say he’s my favorite because I really enjoy making fun of his name. Chamillionaire has to be the best (/worst) rap name ever. 

I still think he should call himself “Deepvoice Uglyface.”

(Sidenote: ”Lizard” is also the word rappers use for “lard.” As in: “You shouldn’t cook with lizard, son. That shit is full of lizzipids.”)

N*E*WAYZ!!! I was watching MTV this morning, which was playing music videos for some reason , and I happened to catch the new Chamillionaire video. I soon realized that the song features Slick Rick, who happens to actually be my favorite rapper. (Or, at least up there with Lil’ Wayne and Ghostface.) It was very exciting.

You may be asking, what happens when your pretend favorite rapper collaborates with your real favorite rapper?

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