Paris Hilton is a sixth-grade Hmong girl.

Look at this self-portrait she drew while in prison:

(All my St. Paul peeps know what I’m talkin’ about! Look at that shit. It’s uncanny)

Also, did the Post nail it this morning, or did they nail it?

It’s true, the bimbos were FREAKING OUT yesterday.

Boring Girl: So, you’re a comedian?
Me: Yes.
Boring Girl: Well, I have a joke you could tell on stage sometime.
Me: I don’t know.
Boring Girl: Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Me: …
Boring Girl: Because he was feeling crumby. Haha.
Me: …
Boring Girl: What? Have you heard that one before?
Me: Yeah…but the punchline was different.
Boring Girl: Oh? What was your version?
Me: Why did Cookie go to the doctor?
Boring Girl: Why?
Me: Because her husband is Magic Johnson and he has A.I.D.S.
Boring Girl: …
Me: And it’s really important that she go to a doctor on a regular basis.
Boring Girl: …

This weekend I discovered my new favorite TV show:

Man vs. Wild is a Discovery Channel program that teaches viewers how to survive in uninhabited parts of the world if you are a completely insane English person.

Here are two reasons to watch this show.

This:

And this:

What a lunatic. And that’s just from one episode.

His name is Bear, by the way. (As in: a bear.)

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