For years now, I’ve wanted to have a baby; a tiny little human (or chimpanzee) infant that I could hang out with, talk to, and educate. The thing is, I’m a really busy dude. I simply don’t have the time it takes to be a parent. Plus, I only want a baby. I don’t want a thing that will eventually grow up into something else. I just want a baby that’ll stay a baby and won’t bother me with a bunch of pooping, or crying, or breathing, or moving at all. Basically, I want a frozen baby, which is illegal. And that’s probably a good thing, because I’m super clumsy. I’m not going to spend a ton of money submerging a baby in a vat of liquid nitrogen only to accidentally drop it on my kitchen floor like a week later, shattering into a million pieces. I bet that’s such a mess.

That’s why I’m so excited to announce that I’ve decided to adopt…a cream puff baby…from www.creampuffbabies.com!!! What’s a cream puff baby, exactly? I’m not really sure, but the website says they are “Custom babies made to order!!”

Here’s the cream puff baby mission statement:

Our goal is to capture and create the beauty and realism of infancy into breathtaking “One of a Kind Babies” to be treasured for generations…Each baby reborn at “Cream Puff Babies Nursery” has been given many hours of time, love and care to achieve the most realistic lifelike look. These are “One-of-a Kind Babies” that will never be duplicated.

These are the cream puff babies I’m considering…

Baby Christopher:

“He likes to play with his ears.”

Baby Thomas:

“Thomas didn’t like having his “first bath” so we quickly got him dried off and wrapped up so he’d be warm…I also made him a magnet umbilical cord with clamp that can be used for more display options.”

Baby Kaitlyn:

“We tried giving her a pacifier. She didn’t much like that neither!! She still cried.”

Baby Miracle:

“His head needs supporting just like a real baby’s head when you hold him.”

I don’t know. Maybe I don’t want a baby. Maybe I want a micro-preemie?

Or, maybe I don’t want a micro-preemie. Maybe I want a baby monkey.

Or two?

There’s no Frequently Asked Questions section on creampuffbabies.com, but I think there should be. Here are mine:

• Wait, whaaaat?
• What the fuck is this?
• Why are they called cream puff babies?
• Who would…I don’t…seriously, what is this?

There’s an article in the latest issue of Newsweek that I found very interesting. This was the first sentence:

Pop-trivia question: what do James van der Beek (of “Dawson’s Creek”) and Osama bin Laden have in common?

They both hate Jews?

No.

They both masterminded the 9/11 attacks?

No.

They both made cameos on Ugly Betty?

No.

In their youth, both dabbled in a cappella…The teenage bin Laden—who opposed the use of instruments—organized a group with his pals.

I did a little research and discovered that bin Laden’s a cappella group was called “In the Key of G-had.” And, to be fair, they’re not half bad. Here’s some footage I found online:

Before I begin, I’d like to first thank all my devoted friends who came to both of my shows last night. I didn’t think anyone would actually do that. The only person I ever paid money to see twice in one day was Jackie Chan, the day Shanghai Noon came out. (Ah, to be seventeen again.)

Today, in honor of these wonderful people, I will be posting not one, but TWO youtubes.

Here’s last week’s Andy Rooney game:

And here’s Rabbi Mordechai Friedman getting so upset about the Pope that he does a comical spit-take:

Late last night, I was alone in my living room gathering star bits, when I received this email regarding something I wrote about Michael Douglas’ fucked up son last October.

Dear Joe:
I think what you posted about Michael Douglas’s son is really awful and that it would be cool of you to take down those comments on the mug shot at least. I love comedy, but that is really practically heartless. We don’t really know whose drugs those were and it’s not fair to judge someone so harshly. If they really are his drugs and he is on drugs, then he is probably at rock bottom and comments like yours could be what push him over the edge. He had an uncle who died of a drug overdose and this things is really a family tragedy and no laughing matter. It is so easy to make fun of people when they’re down, and not any sort of sign of comedic skill.

Will you please take it down? It would say a lot about you…
[Redacted]

Dear [Redacted],

Thank you for the email. I’m sad to say I cannot take that post down for you. Mostly because I don’t know how to do that. I’m sorry. But, please know that I do respect and understand your concerns. We live in a society where Hollywood fuckups are innocent until proven guilty. One shouldn’t rush to judgment, especially if one writes such an important and influential “blog” as joemande.com. (barf)

Therefore, what I decided to do for you is go back and fix the mugshot in question. I sincerely hope this helps Cameron Douglas not kill himself.

You’re welcome. Best of luck.

For the past two years, I’ve had a full-time job at a fancy glasses store in Soho. However, I’m sad to say, today is my last day in the optical business.

During my time as an eyeglass employee, I’ve slowly been demoted from copywriter to window display artist to, finally, delivery boy. It’s been a long, strange experience that I feel deserves a long, self-indulgent recap.

(more…)

Just months after John From Cincinnati was canceled for good, suddenly a mysterious “surfer dude” announces to the world that he’s come up with his own groundbreaking theory of the universe.

(Director’s commentary: “It’s funny, I only knew four things about surfing: Cowabunga, Hang 10, Goofy Style, and Sex Wax. But I think it still works.”)

Anyway, a bunch of real scientists are flipping their collective shit over this theory, mostly because it only needs three dimensions to be proven correct, instead of the ten or more fake invisible dimensions previous theories needed to not make any sense at all.

The surfer’s theory is not only madd chill, but also super simple to understand:

All fields of the standard model and gravity are unified as an E8 principal bundle connection. A non-compact real form of the E8 Lie algebra has G2 and F4 subalgebras which break down to strong su(3), electroweak su(2) x u(1), gravitational so(3,1), the frame-Higgs, and three generations of fermions related by triality. The interactions and dynamics of these 1-form and Grassmann valued parts of an E8 superconnection are described by the curvature and action over a four dimensional base manifold.

Totally, brah. Fermions are soooo electroweak.

Basically, he’s saying the universe is shaped like an enormous E8.

Which, if true, proves my theory that the big bang looked like this:

Barf. I’m sorry. That was so much work just so I could make a retarded Spirograph reference.

Blogs are so tight.

Sometimes, when it’s gross and rainy outside, I search for an up-tempo and inspirational youtube to help get me through the day. Today I think I hit the jackpot.

Wow. So good. Like, SOOOOOO good. I can’t handle how good it is. Seriously, 2:52-2:56 of that video rivals Little Superstar’s 0:36-0:41 for the funniest thing I’ve seen on the internets. Uhm, her face?

By a show of hands, who thought Evelyn Thomas was full-blown retarded?

Can we make this the new internet sensation? Please? God?

(Also, 1:33-1:40 and 2:03-2:04.)

Just when I was ready to pack my Myspace up and devote myself fully to Facebook, this happens… 

Today I got friend request on Myspace from a guy named Marc in Miami. He also sent a message that read simply:

“I just started a new web site called www.getshaded.com. check it out.”

“What?” I asked myself. “Who is Marc?”

So, I checked out his profile.

A finger designer interested in meeting no one? What? 

Unsatisfied, I delved further into Marc’s myspace to see if I could learn more about him, beyond his finger designing for guys and girls.

What I discovered was so much more/less than I could have ever dreamed…

(more…)

Evolution? Really, RG? Good call on that one. Because gun nuts love science terms.

Here’s a transcript of his speech:

“Good morning, NRA. Thank you for inviting me today. I believe guns came from monkeys. 9-11, 9-11, 9-11. Vote for me. (fart noise)”

He didn’t actually say that. But…sort of.

1. I’ve been meaning to write something very clever and thoughtful for the past couple of days, but instead I’ve just been watching this video over and over again:

(It’s my new Montgomery Mini-Mall.)

2. Who’s pumped for the new Osama bin Threat-tape? I know I am! Have you seen the sneak peek pictures of the guy? He looks better than ever! Me thinks he’s been using some of this:

3. Lastly, you should def come to Rififi on Sunday night, for I will be co-hosting Max Silvestri’s monthly show “I Like Attention.” It’s always a fun and exciting time, plus Max and I made a video.