I don’t know if you heard, but Noah Garfinkel and I were on The View last week. It was very exciting. A dream come true. Plus, I finally got a chance to wear the women’s sweater my grandma sent me in the mail. (My grandma sends me women’s sweaters in the mail. Like, all the time.)

Do you know how hard it was not to talk about Joy Bahar’s cleavage? I thought we showed a lot of professionalism and restraint.

Political humor = being retarded and making fun of old people.

Here’s the newest video Noah and I made for 236.com:

It’s obvious that Americans have a sick, insatiable demand for celebrity gossip. And while I may think your website to be offensive and sleazy, I understand that it exists simply to supply that demand. It’s a business, I get it.

However, I think you need to set up some guidelines for the photographers on your staff. Actually, I just have one guideline: LEAVE PETER FALK ALONE!

Seriously? Peter Falk? Why would you send someone out to follow Columbo’s every move?

That’s right, people. Peter Falk got caught wearing a pink and teal button-down shirt with a big ass coffee cup on it. You know why? Because he’s a hundred fucking years old and he probably really likes coffee. Give him a break. He worked with the Rat Pack.

Yes, granted, it’s a very ugly shirt and he looks a mess. But, you have to remember, only one of his eyes is real and he could drop dead at any moment.

OMG! Wait…does Peter Falk have a stain on his pants?

Dammit! Too far away. Switch lenses and get a close up!

The photographer was probably like, “BOOM! Take that Peter Falk! You’re going to be all over the blogosphere tomorrow with a big stain on your ass! Haha!…What? What’s a blogosphere? Oh, that’s just another word people use for the internet…The internet is, uh, it’s like a vast network connecting computers all over the world…Computers? Those are the boxes you see people typing on all the time…Yeah, sort, they’re kind of like typewriters. But you can use them to look at pictures of people and stuff…Yeah, I mean, I suppose you could look at pictures of birds if you wanted…Oh, you like birds?…Uh huh…Right…Sure…I don’t really have a favorite bird…No, really, I don’t know…Okay, an oriole…Are you alright, Peter Falk? Do you know where you are right now? Do you want me to take you home?…Oh, no thank you. I don’t really eat hard candy…No, really, I’m fine…Oh, well, thank you. Butterscotch is my favorite…Well, I have to go…I’ll talk to you later…I love you too…Bye!”

[Thanks to Eliot Glazer for the link.]

As many of you know, I am a part-time political cartoonist.

So, anyway…last week I drew a picture that ended up on the cover of the New Yorker magazine. Maybe you heard about it on the news? It showed Barack Obama (dressed up like a sleepy Muslim) in the oval office (burning an American flag) giving ‘daps’ to his wife Michelle (who is dressed like a Black Panther and also Pam Grier). Some people took offense to it, but the New Yorker LOVED IT. So much so, that they asked me to make another cover for next week’s issue. I decided the best thing to do would be to show John McCain and his wife Cindy in the oval office as well. Only this time around, I decided to make a much more realistic portrait. I hope you like it!

If you feel like it, why don’t you check out the weekly blog Noah Garfinkel and I are writing for Comedy Central? (I hope you love politics and/or an overabundance of embedded Red Lasso videos!)

Check out this fun new game I invented! Here’s how you play: Using Final Cut Pro, take out everything but the first sentence and the last sentence from Andy Rooney’s latest segment on 60 Minutes. Then you put that on youtube. That’s it! Check it out:

See how much fun? I hope he never dies.

When I was a kid, I would sometimes try to watch The McLaughlin Group. I could never watch it for more than one or two minutes because it just seemed like a bunch of old people arguing about things I didn’t understand. Now that I’m an adult, however, I feel blessed that John McLaughlin is still alive somehow. I watch his show every Sunday morning with an entirely new perspective. For me, The McLaughlin Group is now like a weekly lesson on the importance of educated public discourse. Straight from the horse’s mouth! Right before the horse is turned into glue.

Here’s last week’s entire episode, condensed into 2 minutes.

That took a lot less editing than you think.

I love that The McLaughlin Group is exactly as it was 20 years ago. Nothing has changed. Everything is exactly the same. Except, at some point, the set was moved to its current location: the nursing home at the Church of the Wrong Grail.

Pete Holmes thought of this. He’s funnier than me.

Posted in Food, Politics, The Elderly, War on Terrorism | 1 Comment »