Time Magazine recently asked a bunch of celebrities who they thought should win this year’s Person of the Year award. Stephen King, of course, said Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan should win because they have destroyed the legitimacy of all media (…?). Aretha Franklin nominated her friend Bill Cosby for all his important work speaking out against black kids making a scene in the candy shoppes wearing their baggy jeans. My favorite, though, was Brian Williams’ choice for Person of the Year. Because it was the same as mine.

My [Brian Williams] nominee for 2007 Person of the Year is a woman…

…a woman with a history of abuse…

…a woman who has never run for elective office…

…someone we all know, someone who makes her presence known on a daily basis in all our lives and, for my money, is better than any male alternative.

That woman is Mother Earth.

I saw the most amazing person in New York City on the subway today. I stared at him for a good half hour, absorbing every detail. I can’t even describe it, other than it was like seeing a unicorn. Only way gayer and more magical.

Has anyone else seen this man? I need to know what his deal is. Please?

(Note: I seriously need a camera phone.)

1: Severely crossed eyes.
2: Real mustache.
3: Fake, painted-on handlebar mustache.
4: Silly glasses.
5: Sam Cassell head.
6: Eyeliner.
7: Black spandex top (possibly a unitard).
8: Pleated women’s fat pants.
9: Miniature briefcase.
10: Homemade belt made of purple streamers.
11: Military boots.
12: Clipped-on cell phone (attached to purple streamer belt).
13: Four extra-fine Sharpie markers (blue).
14: Giant red leather wristwatch.

Here’s a picture of Aretha Franklin, showing off her new line of perfume, “Bar-B-Que Sauce.”

BOOM!!! 

R-E-S-PWNED!!!

(I should write for the Jay Leno program.)

Every once in a while when you take the subway in New York City, the train stops without warning and remains idle for a very long time. Eventually, a fuzzy voice comes on the intercom and informs the passengers that the delay is from someone on the train having a medical emergency. The fuzzy voice then thanks you for your patience and promises things will be moving shortly. Obviously, it’s annoying to be late for work, but it’s important to put yourself in the position of the sick person; at the very least, you’d expect people to be understanding and accommodating while you were trying to get off a train and into a hospital.

Anyway, a delay of this sort occurred on my ride to work this morning. I was aboard a packed N train, listening to my iPod and reading Newsweek, when the conductor suddenly hit the brakes and everything came to a screeching stop. This happens a couple times a month, so I thought nothing of it. But, after about 10 minutes I realized we still hadn’t moved. I looked up from my magazine to see what was going on. To my surprise, I noticed there was a good 10-15 foot clearing around me on all sides. People were backing away from me like I was some sort of monster, all of them staring at me with looks of terror on their faces.

Turns out, I was the one having the medical emergency! Apparently, I had been barfing. A lot. Like, it was all over the place. I guess I was so caught up in what I was reading I didn’t notice that every time I exhaled, a thick arc of vomit was exploding out of my mouth. God, I felt like such a doof. There must have been three or four gallons of my vomit on the floor.  Soooo embarrassing!

I think all the uncontrollable barfing was just my body’s natural reaction to reading an editorial piece written by actor Michael Douglas in the latest issue of Newsweek entitled, “The Role of a Lifetime.” In it, we discover that Michael Douglas thinks a weekly news magazine is the perfect forum to publish the first draft of his family’s Christmas Newsletter.

(Warning: If you read this, you will probz barf.)

I’ve been married for seven years to an extraordinary woman 25 years younger than me, actress Catherine Zeta-Jones. We have two children, a daughter, 4, and a son, 7. To say my priorities have changed would be a gross understatement!…They are at a precious age, and I don’t want to miss a minute of it…Carys is at the stage when she’s discovered “dress-up”: purses, high heels–anything pink. Dylan is a big climber–rocks, mountains and trees. He loves the outdoors. I read with my kids every night. That has become a favorite for me.

Awww. That’s great, Michael Douglas! I’m so glad this is in a news magazine! What else, pray tell, is new with the Douglas fam?

We’ve moved to the island of Bermuda, where I spent a lot of time as a kid.

Who didn’t spend a lot time in Bermuda as a kid? Seriously though, how has your life changed since you moved to back to Bermuda?

I adjust my schedule to my wife’s, since she is in the prime of her career.

Wasn’t the prime of her career back when she was in movies and stuff? Whatever. All I really want to know is this: what is it like for Michael Douglas to be a day-to-day daddy? 

The kids know what Mommy does for a living, but they have never seen Daddy’s movies (they’re too young), so Mommy makes movies and Daddy makes pancakes!

HAHA! Daddy makes pancakes! Really? Michael Douglas making pancakes. That’s wonderful. 

I don’t really cook, but I am the takeout and home-delivery expert.

SO THE TRUTH COMES OUT!  You sly dog, you. Of course you don’t cook. That is too funny. All jokes aside, what about you, Michael Douglas? How are you doing? Didn’t moving to Bermuda make it impossible for you to do acting work? What about the projects you really care about?

Don’t get me wrong. I still go to work, but now only on projects I really care about. I have a new movie coming out called “King of California.” We filmed it in only 31 days, not like some of the 90-day shooting schedules of the past.

Thank God. That’s fantastic. Hey, could you possibly tell me more about this “King of California” project?

I play a father who reconciles with his 17-year-old daughter, played by Evan Rachel Wood. I understood and identified with the role. My oldest son from my first marriage, Cameron, who is 28, did not benefit from my new priorities. He was shortchanged. Nevertheless he understands now, and he knows how much I love him.

Well, if he doesn’t know, all he has to do is read Newsweek like the rest of us. 

When I went to college at the University of California, Santa Barbara, in the 1960s, you could graduate with a degree in home economics. It was eventually disbanded largely due to politics and the power of the women’s movement.

What?

I’m happy to see that “home ec” is currently being revived at some colleges.

Seriously, Michael Douglas, what the fuck are you talking about?

Basically, you want to try to leave this earth having given more to it than having taken away. That makes you a good citizen of the planet. If I can pass this on from generation to generation, that’s as close to immortality as I can hope to get.

Oh, really? You really think that? You don’t possibly think your two Oscars might immortalize you? Oops, guess what? You just got PLIPPS. And so did your kids. Even the damaged 28 year-old. PLIPPS. Also, the entire staff at Newsweek for letting this get published…PLIPPS. PLIPPS. PLIPPS. 

Look who struck e-GOLD!!!

The singing! The spinning choreography! Tom Kruse the nurse inventor! The Grand Canyon! AAAAAHHH! There’s so much to talk about! All I know is these videos reeeeeally make me wish I was super old. Or, just a little bit more lazy.

JOE’S HANUKKAH WISHLIST:
Nintendo Wii
iPhone
Tempurpedic mattress
Miniature Great Dane
Pinky ring
Laser gun flashlight (premade)
Valour jumpsuit
Skills
ZERO-TURN, OFF-ROAD-READY WHEELCHAIR

Thanks to all the people who came out to Totally J/K (and Crash Test) last night. It was certainly a Labor Day for the ages.

For those of you who missed it, Noah and I presented this incredibly topical and important video, entitled: “Bathroom Body Language.” Please enjoy…

Related video: “Teamwork”

Consider the following:

1. Anti-freeze toothpaste.
2. Cardboard dumplings.
3. Babies full of needles.
4. Dragon bone consumption.
5. Really bad headaches.
6. 2 billion rats.
7. No Simpsons.
8. Organ harvest prisons.
9. Dog holocaust.
10. Slave kids.
11. Old lady penguin feet.
12. Molten metal accidents.
13. Cyborg pigeons.
14. Faulty penis transplants.
15. Blood-red poop rivers.

No thank you.