Consider the following:

1. Anti-freeze toothpaste.
2. Cardboard dumplings.
3. Babies full of needles.
4. Dragon bone consumption.
5. Really bad headaches.
6. 2 billion rats.
7. No Simpsons.
8. Organ harvest prisons.
9. Dog holocaust.
10. Slave kids.
11. Old lady penguin feet.
12. Molten metal accidents.
13. Cyborg pigeons.
14. Faulty penis transplants.
15. Blood-red poop rivers.

No thank you.

47 year-old CNN correspondent and renowned demon-hag, Nancy Grace, announced today that she’s pregnant with twins!!!! 

No word yet if she plans on keeping the babies or simply eating them.

She released a copy of the ultrasound to the press:

The father is said to be her husband, David Linch, an Atlanta investment banker. However, Mrs. Grace isn’t giving up the possibility that she was gang-raped by the entire Duke Lacrosse team.

(What I’m saying is she’s a terrible person.)

A 77 year-old grandmother in China finally went to a doctor last week, after spending the last 63 years with a nagging headache.

So, she goes to the hospital, and…

Doctors sent the woman for an x-ray to find out the cause and were amazed to find…a rusty bullet lodged in her brain.

[She] recalled she was shot in 1943 during World War Two by the invading Japanese army.

The war wound was forgotten until surgeons plucked the rusty bullet from her skull.

The black stuff is rust. Iron oxide-hydroxide. From the antique bullet lodged in her brain. 

I now bring you:

Part 1: The Apartment

“Someone help me. Please. My head hurts so much.”
“Where does it hurt, Grandma?”
“Right about where the bullet hole in my head is.”
“Seriously, maybe you should go to the doc–”
“As I’ve told you for 63 years, I’m not going to the doctor. This pain isn’t anything that a little rhino horn or shark penis can’t fix.”
“Get in the car, Grandma.”
“Car?”

Part 2: The Hospital

“Mrs. Guangying. Before I begin your examination, I just need to know a few things.”
“OK.”
“Do you have any family history of heart disease or stroke?”
“No.”
“How about high cholesterol?”
“No.”
“Any allergies at all?”
“No.”
“Do you have a hard time sleeping at night?”
“A little.”
“Have you ever been…shot in the head?”
“Only once. But that was years ago.”

The End.

Here’s her son:

So, this was on the cover of the New York Post today:

Uncle George.

Here are the editors at the Post discussing this morning’s layout:

“Okay, so the president just vetoed a spending bill that included a deadline for troop withdrawal from Iraq.”
“Wait. So you’re telling me that President George Bush just vetoed a bill that would have set timetables allowing troops from our depleted military to come home from a mismanaged, unjust war he started using fraudulent evidence?”
“Yes.”
“Well, that is definitely front page news! What are we doing for that?”
“I’m thinking we should photoshop the president’s face on to the Statue of Liberty. And then have the Statue of Liberty riding the back of a giant bald eagle. And in the eagle’s talons there’s a freshly caught trout. But when you look more closely, you realize it’s not a trout at all, but Mount fucking Rushmore!”
“I like it…but it sounds a little complicated. Can’t you just make him Uncle Sam or something?”
“Sure. The subtle approach. No problem.”
“Good. Talk to you later.”
“Heil Hitler!”
“Heil Hitler!”

I’m so glad we’re alive to see what campaigns are like in the 21st century.

I got this MySpace bulletin from Barack Obama yesterday:

“This unofficial profile will be retired shortly”? Who cares whether their Obama myspace is official or not?

Then I got this bulletin from Hillary Clinton:

What a cunt.

We are now officially the largest Myspace profile for any candidate…by using an arbitrary Myspace technicality that we just made up to make this ‘grassrootsy’ campaign seem more 420 chill!

I think it’s sad that Democrats have to sink to the level of engaging in the politics of personal social networking destruction.

That’s why Mike Gravel is my candidate of choice.

Rupert Murdoch is making a $5 Billion dollar bid to buy the Wall Street Journal. But if that happens, won’t the Journal become a conservative newspaper?

Honestly, I don’t know what the big deal is. Rupert seems like a chill dude to me.

Kathy Griffin cannot handle drinking and not driving.

At least her (haggard) vagina didn’t spill out into the frame. That’s sooo 4 months ago.

I can’t wait until that clip hits youtube, because all I have right now is this zoetrope bullshit and it is phenomenally unsatisfying.

(more…)