For the past two years, I’ve had a full-time job at a fancy glasses store in Soho. However, I’m sad to say, today is my last day in the optical business.

During my time as an eyeglass employee, I’ve slowly been demoted from copywriter to window display artist to, finally, delivery boy. It’s been a long, strange experience that I feel deserves a long, self-indulgent recap.

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For the past few months, I’ve been getting free issues of Complex Magazine in the mail. I have no idea why or how they started showing up, but I know for a fact I’m not paying for them. So weird. The first time it came, I actually tried reading it while I was on the toilet. But I had to stop because it made me so stupid I forgot how to poop. Since then, I’ve promptly thrown the magazine in the garbage as soon as I took it out of my mailbox. The end.

…or is it?

When I got the December/January issue yesterday, something about the cover story intrigued me…

Hmmm…let’s see…is Lil’ Wayne crazy? I don’t know. But, considering your pull quote is “I’m a Martian, and if you understand me then you’re Jesus Christ,” I’m going to go ahead and say YES. Yes, Lil Wayne is crazy.

Want more proof? Read the following quotes from Lil’ Wayne’s retarded extensive interview with Complex Magazine (note: they’re unbelievable):

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Lil Wayne’s next album doesn’t drop until at least next February, yet that hasn’t stopped the album art from already leaking out onto the internet. And from the looks of it, it’s going to be his gayest album yet.

“ONLEE DA TRU THUGZ WERR MAIKUP.”

PLEASE GOD LET THIS BECOME A TREND.

Swish. Count it.

Eek? Whatevs. I don’t care, he’s still my #1 friend crush.

If you pick up the newest issue of Heeb Magazine, you will see my name included in “The Heeb 100,” their annual list of 100 Jews to watch. (That’s in the entire diaspora, son.)

Hey, world! Get ready to watch this Jew!!!

Being on the Heeb 100 is an honor. In fact, it’s pretty much the second best list a Jew could ever hope to be on. (The first best.)

Heeb100.com has the entire list, including little Jewy bios of everyone. Be sure to see my friends Jenny, Josh, Brett, and Seth as well. Oh, and DJ AM, obvz.

Did you read/hear/barf about the French woman who received the world’s first partial face transplant? Seriously. A face transplant.

Basically, what happened was this French woman was sleeping when, all of the sudden, she woke up and discovered her dog had eaten most of her face/off. Doctors quickly replaced her face with Nicolas Cage’s face. She was then sent to giant magnetic prison in the middle of the ocean.

This is what The Guardian says happened:

After a bad week, the seamstress had taken a large dose of sleeping pills “to forget”.

Wait, stop right there. To forget? This is already an amazing story.

Reporter: So, how’d you lose your face?
No-face Lady: Well, it all started when I took a large dose of sleeping pills.
Reporter: And what was your reason for taking such a large dose of sleeping pills? 
No-face Lady: Oh, you know. “To forget.”

I could seriously walk away from this story right here and be totally satisfied. But, no. The story only gets better (not better).

She woke on her sofa and tried to light a cigarette, and then noticed blood and the presence of her dog beside her. Looking in the mirror, she discovered her terrible injuries. 

AAAAAAAAHHHH! She didn’t know she didn’t have a face until she tried to light a cigarette? What clued her in exactly? The not having lips part? Jesus. I bet she hates that dog.

She said she had “no hatred” for her labrador-cross Tanya, who she felt had been trying to save her.

Correct. I just looked up the word “save” in a dog dictionary:

save: /seɪv/
–verb (used with object)

1.to rescue from danger or possible harm, injury, or loss
2. to keep safe, intact, or unhurt
3. to rip off and eat a human’s face
4. to avoid the spending, consumption, or waste of bones

Anyway, she got a donor face and the rest is medical history:

BTW, the donor face came from a woman who killed herself. So…therefore…I can’t handle reading science news anymore.

All things considered, you have to admit she looks great (”great” means “permanently photoshopped,” right?). Although, I think it was pretty rude of the surgeons to graft a voice bubble like that, dontchya think? (JK, you guys! I did that part myself! [COMEDY!])

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So, I have this joke I sometimes tell where I say that Chamillionaire is my favorite rapper. This, of course, isn’t really true; I’ve only heard that one song of his (about filthy driving or whatever) and was not impressed. I say he’s my favorite because I really enjoy making fun of his name. Chamillionaire has to be the best (/worst) rap name ever. 

I still think he should call himself “Deepvoice Uglyface.”

(Sidenote: ”Lizard” is also the word rappers use for “lard.” As in: “You shouldn’t cook with lizard, son. That shit is full of lizzipids.”)

N*E*WAYZ!!! I was watching MTV this morning, which was playing music videos for some reason , and I happened to catch the new Chamillionaire video. I soon realized that the song features Slick Rick, who happens to actually be my favorite rapper. (Or, at least up there with Lil’ Wayne and Ghostface.) It was very exciting.

You may be asking, what happens when your pretend favorite rapper collaborates with your real favorite rapper?

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Just when I was ready to pack my Myspace up and devote myself fully to Facebook, this happens… 

Today I got friend request on Myspace from a guy named Marc in Miami. He also sent a message that read simply:

“I just started a new web site called www.getshaded.com. check it out.”

“What?” I asked myself. “Who is Marc?”

So, I checked out his profile.

A finger designer interested in meeting no one? What? 

Unsatisfied, I delved further into Marc’s myspace to see if I could learn more about him, beyond his finger designing for guys and girls.

What I discovered was so much more/less than I could have ever dreamed…

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Look who struck e-GOLD!!!

The singing! The spinning choreography! Tom Kruse the nurse inventor! The Grand Canyon! AAAAAHHH! There’s so much to talk about! All I know is these videos reeeeeally make me wish I was super old. Or, just a little bit more lazy.

JOE’S HANUKKAH WISHLIST:
Nintendo Wii
iPhone
Tempurpedic mattress
Miniature Great Dane
Pinky ring
Laser gun flashlight (premade)
Valour jumpsuit
Skills
ZERO-TURN, OFF-ROAD-READY WHEELCHAIR

So, after getting mesmerized by the Battlecry snippet last week, I went ahead and tivoed the entire CNN “God’s Warriors” mini-series. I must admit Christiane Amanpour does a great job making all three major religions look coo-coo.

Although, the Evangelical Christians are clearly the winners (which is probably why she saved that episode for last). How, you might ask, could a group of American Christians possibly be crazier than Israeli settlers and Islamic suicide bombers? Well, at least when insane Jews and Muslims go to war, those wars are real. Oh, also, Jewish minstrel shows:

If you didn’t catch that, the hoe-down version of Hava Nagilah goes a little something like this:

Hava Nagilah, Hava Nagilah…
Hava Nagilah, Hava Nagilah…
Chickens in the barnyard pickin’ up grain.
Goin’ about things the southern way.
Next year in Jerusalem. V’nism’cha! Wooo!
(fiddle solo)

BTW, that minister is so tight! He just loves Israel. So much so that he built his own wailing wall and even wrote his own Nostradamus book about Jesus slaying the all the Jews on Judgement Day.

I got a lot to say about this, but I don’t want to get all Marc Maron on your asses.