OMG U GUYZ!! Alicia Keys finally came out of the closet! The Black Panther closet! Because she’s a Black Panther.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that!!!

I mean, it’s great. Good for her. It takes a lot of courage to say publicly, “Look, I think the government was behind the assassinations of Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G and that white people created ‘gangsta rap’ as a ploy to get young black men to kill each other. And I’ve felt these feelings ever since I was a little girl!”

Crazy. I totally didn’t expect this announcement. I mean, she doesn’t really look like a Black Panther, does she? In my opinion, Alicia Keys looks more like a white girl who just got back from a long spring break in Cancun.

Also, she’s a lesbian.

Sorry to go back to the Rock The Cradle thing again (the story just won’t die!), but I still don’t understand why my favorite singer in the world, Ben Taylor, son of James Taylor and Carly Simon, didn’t sign up to be a contestant. He’s madd chill. And he totally owns a MacBookPro.

As well as a trampoline (boing!)

Plus, he’s got an Ab Gazebo that his dad built for him. (Best 30th birthday present ever!!! )

Ben Taylor has written some great songs done so many crunches in that gazebo.

This song is on his myspace. It’s Ben Taylor’s version of Snoop Dogg’s “Sensual Seduction,” screwed & chopped & folk-tified.

I like the little laugh at the very end. You can almost see him rolling his eyes like, “Silly black people…” He should go on tour with these guys.

Anyway, I’m sure his parents are really proud of him. Totally met all expectations. I suppose that’s why he didn’t feel the need to go on MTV. He doesn’t have anything to prove to anyone, least of all his girlfriend (who some say is the prettiest girl in the universe).

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A new show premiered on MTV this week called Rock The Cradle. It’s basically like American Idol, except the contestants all happen to be the spoiled neglected children of terrible washed-up musicians. It’s pretty much the best idea for a television show. Plus, it doesn’t hurt that it’s executed flawlessly.

Well, almost flawlessly. The only thing I think the show could improve upon is maybe paying more attention to the non-musician parents of the contestants. Sure, it’s great to see MC Hammer and Dee Snider there, giving guidance and support to their talented kids. But what about their moms? They’re the ones who actually raised these child prodigies into the undeniable rock stars they are today. Yet, there’s no mention of them on the show nor any information about them on the show’s website.

So, after hours and hours of online detective work, I’ve finally completed a full list of all the Rock the Cradle parents. Enjoy:

A’Keiba Burrell:

Daughter of MC Hammer and “The Chief.”

Fun fact: A’Keiba means “Listen up, gumshoes!” in Swahili. (I totally found that picture by googling “that black lady on carmen sandiego.”)

Lucy Walsh:

Daughter of Eagles’ guitarist Joe Walsh and slutty Paula Zahn.

Jesse Money:

Daughter of rocker Eddie Money (who still looks great, by the way) and Kimmy Gibler.

Lara Johnston:

Daughter of the Doobie Brothers singer Tom Johnston and an adorable, yet alcoholic, little kitten.

Lil’ B. Sure:

Son of R&B singer Al B. Sure and MadTV’s Debra Wlson. (I think this one could be true.)

Crosby Loggins: (How has he not killed himself already with that name? So gross.)

What happens when Kenny Loggins uses a time-traveling beard trimmer.

Jesse Snider:

Son of Twisted Sister’s Dee Snider and Aaron Carter.

This show is his to lose. I’m calling it now.

Chloe Lattanzi:

Daughter of Olivia Newton John and the mutated Simpsons fish.

Landon Brown:

The love child of Bobby Brown and a prostitute inside a Kid Robot store.

So, I discovered this video earlier today and I’ve now decided to be born again. (By the way, does anyone have literature on the Christian re-birthing process? How does that work exactly? Does my Mom have to be there? Because, believe me, she will not be down.) Check it out. It starts getting really good at 1:06.

That’s the #1 video on Godtube.com this week. #2 is called “Awesome Sled Wrecks.” Obviously.

This one is good too! It’s like Weird Al meets Jerry Falwell.

I never knew how important the virtue of parody was to Jesus Christ.

Also, did you know Christians hate Christians and Hell is a reality? Because apparently they do and it does.

This morning I got an email from one of my best friends, David, bassist of the band Via Audio. This is what it said:

“Joe- You look and act exactly like this gay kid on Project Runway,
Christian Siriano. Google that dude, you will poop…i like to get stoned and pretend the guy is you.”

Oh, in case you don’t know who Christian Siriano is, here’s a 10 minute youtube of his “fiercest” moments:

(For the record: I did not edit that video.)

Correct. I do look and act exactly like that guy. 100% (Also, using the description “that gay kid on Project Runway” is like saying “that small burrowing mammal on Meerkat Manor“.) Worst thing about that story is that David isn’t even the first person to tell me that. Nor the tenth. That was either the twelfth or thirteenth email I’ve received in the last three months notifying me of my “gay twin.”

Personally, I don’t see the resemblance at all. Some people tell me that the reason I don’t see the resemblance is because I choose not to see it. And that is entirely true. I choose not to see it. Because it’s kind of an insulting thing to tell to someone straight. I mean, I think John C. Reilly looks and acts just like Richard Simmons, but that’s totally different. Wait, no it’s not.

Friend: Oh my god, Joe, do you watch Project Runway? Because your looks and behaviors are eerily similar to those of this contestant named Christian, who is radioactively homosexual.
Me: Shut up. That’s not true at all. Shut up.
Friend: What’s wrong? Did I offend you just now?
Me: Yeah, kind of. A little bit.
Friend: How could you possibly be offended that you remind me of someone who acts like an evil gay villain on Batman: The Animated Series, terrorizing Gotham City with snide comments, fabulous hair, and witch doctor fabric shears?
Me: I don’t know. I guess I’m a little sensitive.
Friend: So is Christian Siriano! See what I mean?
Me: Stop it.

So in conclusion, what I’m saying is this: Even if you’re thinking it, just don’t tell me that I look like Christian Siriano. Please. Also, you should come see David’s band play this Sunday night at Totally JK. They are very very good.

So, last night I was named Emerging Comic of 2007 at the ECNY Awards at Comix Comedy Club. I did not expect to win at all, so it came as a complete and thoroughly pleasant surprise. (Of course, I suspect my dad probably pulled a Veruca Salt, making all the workers in his factory vote for me online over and over again for weeks on end.) Plus, the prize bag had a huge bottle of Macallan in it, which was tight.

By far, the best moment of the night–if not my life–was when the category for Emerging Comic was presented by the famous bloodied-nose rocker Andrew W.K. It was unreal. He gave a short, heart-felt speech about his love for comedy and and the entire comedy community as a whole. Then he opened the envelope and read my name. It will remain as one of my most special memories for as long as my brain still works.

As I do with all my special memories, I’ve turned it into an animated gif file. Enjoy.

Am I late on this? Is the new Snoop Dogg video for real?

Not to brag, or take credit for anything he does creatively, but I’d just like to show you guys a gchat I had with Snoop last month:

(click to enlarge)

If you don’t mind, I’d like to quickly go back to last week’s “Is Lil Wayne crazy?” debate, because more evidence has come to life (in the affirmative). If for some reason you weren’t satisfyingly convinced the first time around, I would like to submit this for your consideration. Apparently, Lil Wayne is collaborating with Zac Efron on the next High School Musical CD. Lil Wayne. Zac Efron. Disney’s High School Musical.

I highly recommend reading the entire article. But, for those of you who don’t want to read another entire Lil Wayne interview, how about I just turn it into an original one-act play? (Note: All things in BOLD are taken directly out of the interview.)

“Zac n’ Weezy: A Love Story”
By Joe Mande

Curtains open.

Lil Wayne sits upon a golden toilet, in a large, Scarface-inspired restroom, admiring the prominent nude sculpture of himself across the room. He lifts his pants up and walks towards the sink. A tuxedo-clad bathroom attendant flushes the toilet and scampers back just in time to pump soap in to outstretched hands of Lil Wayne.

LIL WAYNE: You like that sculpture over there?

ATTENDANT: Why, yes I do. What is it, exactly? A Jamaican gremlin?

LIL WAYNE: It’s a sculpture of me you penguin-lookin’ mothafucka.

ATTENDANT: My deepest apologies. I should have known. Would you like some Juicy Fruit gum, sir?

LIL WAYNE: That’s what I pay you for, you stupid ass bitch!

ATTENDANT: Ah, yes indeed. Here you are.

Lil Wayne opens his mouth, taking his Juicy Fruit like a communion wafer.

LIL WAYNE: Nice tuxedo. Suck my dick, penguin. No homo.

Lil Wayne makes his way to the recording studio, where he begins rolling a joint the size of an infant’s arm.

LIL WAYNE: I’m so glad I started making music for white people.

Zac Efron enters, gliding into the room on Heelys.

ZAC EFRON: What’s up my nigga?

Lil Wayne gets up and kisses Zac Efron on the mouth

LIL WAYNE: What’s crackin’, my brother from another mother?

ZAC EFRON: Brother from another mother? You said the same exact thing in San Fransisco, when you followed me into the bathroom at that comic book convention after party.

LIL WAYNE: Yo! You look cute, dawg. Hows about we go record more songs for this High School Musical bullshit.

ZAC EFRON: Sounds dope to me!

Zach Efron enters the booth and puts the headphones on. He begins singing, but Lil Wayne quickly cuts him off.

LIL WAYNE: The acoustics ain’t right. Take your pants off.

ZAC EFRON: If you say so, Weezy.

Zac Efron takes his pants off.

ZAC EFRON (singing): Everybody, all for one! A real summer has just begun! Let’s rock and roll and just let go! Feel the rhythm of the drums! We’re gonna have fun in the sun!

Lil Wayne enters the booth, naked and erect. He begins rapping.

LIL WAYNE (rapping): I’m a dog, you’re all a bunch of fleas on my dick. Driving a Jag, er, like my name was Mick. I’m so sour like cream with chives, and my sperm will make your face break out in hives.

A white screen descends upon the stage. Lil Wayne and Zac Efron make passionate gay love, their shadows projecting onto the screen like Chinese shadow theater. Lights down.

Lights up. The white screen is lifted. We find Lil Wayne and Zac Efron cuddling under a mink coat adorned with patches of all 30 NBA teams.

ZAC EFRON: Man, that was fun. Do you have anything else you’re working on.

LIL WAYNE: Oh, you know, I just did songs with Mannheim Steamroller, something for the new Raffi album, and 16 bars in Spanish on Ricky Martin’s new one.

ZAC EFRON: Wow. Don’t you ever get tired of your schedule?

LIL WAYNE: Hell, no! This is how I live! I get up in the morning, get my dick sucked four times, drink a Molson’s, and then hang out with you, Zac Efron.

ZAC EFRON: Word.

Curtains close. THE END.

…because Connie Chung looks terrible!!!

For the past few months, I’ve been getting free issues of Complex Magazine in the mail. I have no idea why or how they started showing up, but I know for a fact I’m not paying for them. So weird. The first time it came, I actually tried reading it while I was on the toilet. But I had to stop because it made me so stupid I forgot how to poop. Since then, I’ve promptly thrown the magazine in the garbage as soon as I took it out of my mailbox. The end.

…or is it?

When I got the December/January issue yesterday, something about the cover story intrigued me…

Hmmm…let’s see…is Lil’ Wayne crazy? I don’t know. But, considering your pull quote is “I’m a Martian, and if you understand me then you’re Jesus Christ,” I’m going to go ahead and say YES. Yes, Lil Wayne is crazy.

Want more proof? Read the following quotes from Lil’ Wayne’s retarded extensive interview with Complex Magazine (note: they’re unbelievable):

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